RUMPY 


ACE  HODGES  and  T.  WIGNEY  PERCYVAL 


SAMUEL  FRENCH,  25  West  45th  St.,  New  York 


GRUMPY 


A  Play  in   Four  Acts 


BY 

HORACE  HODGES 

AND 

T.   WIGNEY  PERCYVAL 


COPYRIGHT  1914  BY  CYRIL  MAUDE 
COPYRIGHT  1921  BY  SAMUEL  FRENCH 


ALL  RIGHTS  RESERVED 


CAUTION.  Professionals  and  amateurs  are  hereby  warned  that  "GRUMPY,* 
being  fully  protected  under  the  copyright  laws  of  the  United  'States  and  Great 
Britain,  is  subject  to  a  royalty,  and  any  one  presenting  the  play  without  the  consent 
of  the  authors  or  their  authorized  agents  will  be  liable  to  the  penalties  by  law  pro- 
vided. Applications  for  the  amateur  acting  rights  must  be  made  to  Samuel  French, 
25  West  45th  Street,  New  York.  Application  for  the  professional  acting  rights 
must  be  made  to  Miss  Alice  Kauscr,  1402  Broadway,  New  York. 


LONDON 
SAMUEL  FRE  ••    I,  LTD. 

26  SOUTHAMPTGX   STREET 

STRAND 


GRUMPY 
ALL    RIGHTS    RESERVED 


Especial  notice  should  be  taken  that  the  possession  of 
this  book  without  a  valid  contract  for  production  first 
having  been  obtained  from  the  publisher,  confers  no  right 
or  license  to  professionals  or  amateurs  to  produce  the  play 
publicly  or  in  private  for  gain  or  charity. 

In  its  present  form  this  play  is  dedicated  to  the  reading 
public  only,  and  no  performance,  representation,  produc- 
tion, recitation,  or  public  reading,  or  radio  broadcasting 
may  be  given  except  by  special  arrangement  with  Samuel 
French,  25  West  45th  Street,  New  York. 

This  play  may  be  presented  by  amateurs  upon  payment 
of  a  royalty  of  Twenty-Five  Dollars  for  each  perform- 
ance, payable  to  Samr.el  French,  25.  West  45th  Street, 
New  York,  one  week  before  the  date  when  the  play  is 
given. 

Whenever  the  play  is  produced  the  following  notice  must 
appear  on  all  programs,  printing  and  advertising  for  the 
play:  "Produced  by  special  arrangement  with  Samuel 
French  of  New  York." 

Attention  is  called  to  the  penalty  provided  by  law  for 
any  infringement  of  the  author's  rights,  as  follows. 

"SECTION  4966: — Any  person  publicly  performing  or  rep- 
resenting any  dramatic  or  musical  composition  for  which 
copyright  has  been  obtained,  without  the  consent  of  the 
proprietor  of  said  dramatic  or  musical  composition,  or  his 
heirs  and  assigns,  shall  be  liable  for  damages  thereof,  such 
damages,  in  all  cases  to  be  assessed  at  such  sum,  not  less 
than  one  hundred  dollars  for  the  first  and  fifty  dollars  for 
every  subsequent  performance,  as  to  the  court  shall  appear 
to  be  just.  If  the  unlawful  performance  and  representation 
be  wilful  and  for  profit,  such  person  or  persons  shall  be 
guilty  of  a  misdemeanor,  and  upon  conviction  shall  be  im- 
prisoned for  a  period  not  exceeding  one  year."— rU.  S. 
Revised  Statutes :  Title  60,  Chap..  3. 


CYRIL  MAUDE  AS  GRUMPY 


2115022 


GRUMPY 

Originally  produced  at  the  Theatre  Royal,  Glasgow,  on  September  19,  1913, 

and  afterwards  played  at  the  New  Theatre,  London,  on  May  13,  1914,  with  tha 
following  cast  of  characters  : — 

MB.  AKDBEW  BXTLLTVANT          ....  Mr.  CyrU  Maude. 

MB.  ERNEST  HERON  (his  grand-nephew)    .         .  Mr.  Edward  Combermert 

RTTDDOCK  (his  valet)  .         .         .         .  Mr.  John  Hanoood. 

MR.  JARTIS      .......  Mr.  Montague  Love. 

MB.  VALENTINE  WOLFE    .         .         •         •         •  Mr.  Lennox  Pawle. 

DB.  MACLABEN         ......  Mr.  Hunter  Nesbitt. 

KKBLK     ....•••.  Mr.  Arthur  Curtis. 

MEKRIDEW       .......  Mr.  James  Dale. 

DAWSOH Mr.  0.  Hylton. 

VIRGINIA    BULLIVANT    (Mr.    Bullivant's     grand- 
daughter)    Mist  Margery  Maude. 

MBS.  MACLABBN        ......  Miss  Margaret  Swaliot* 

SUSAN Mitt  Maud  Andrew. 

ACTS  1,  2  and  4. — The  Library  at  Mr.  Bullivanft. 
ACT  3. — Mr.  Jarvit't  Booms  in  London. 


THE    FOLLOWING  IS  A  COPY  OF  THE   PROGRAMME  OF  THE 
FIRST  PERFORMANCE  OF  "GRUMPY" 


WALLACK'S  THEATRE,  NEW  YORK 

NOVIEMBER    24,    1913 

• 

MESSRS.    LIEBLER  &   COMPANY 

PRESENT 

GRUMPY 

A  Play  in  Four  Acts  by  HORACE  HODGES  and 
T.   WIGNEY  PERCYVAL 

THE     CAST 

Mr.  Andrew  Bullivant  (Grumpy) Cyril  Maude 

Mr.  Ernest  Heron E dw.  Combermer: 

Ruddock John  Harwood 

Mr.  Jarvis Montagu  Love 

Mr.  Isaac  Wolfe Lennox  Pawle 

Dr.  Maclaren Hunter  Nesbitt 

Keble Arthur  Curtis 

Merridew James  Dale 

Dawson Percival  Young 

Virginia  Bullivant Margery  Maude 

Mrs.  Maclaren Lena,  Halliday 

Susan Maud  Andrew 

SYNOPSIS  OF  SCENES 

ACT.  I      The  Library  at  Mr.  Bullivant's. 

ACT.  II    The  Same  Room  as  at  the  End  of  Act  I. 

ACT.  Ill  Mr.  Jarvis's  Rooms  in  London. 

ACT.  IV  The  Same  as  Acts  I  and  IL 


GRUMPY 

ACT  I 

The  SCENE  is  the  library  at  MR.  BULLIV  ANT'S.  A  plan  of  the  room 
and  of  the  arrangement  of  the  furniture  is  given  at  the  end  of  the  play. 
The  furniture  consists  of  solid  early  Victorian  mahogany  pieces. 

^MBS.  MACLABEN  enters  B.,  and  goes  to  the  music-cabinet  below  fire-place 
down  L.  As  soon  as  she  gets  there  VIRGINIA  enters  B.  and  crosses  to 
table.  MBS.  MACLABEN  goes  up  to  table.) 

VIBOINIA.    Well,  have  you  found  it  ? 

MBS.  MACLAREN.    No,  last  week's,  wasn't  it? 

VIBGINIA.    I  think  he  said  so. 

MBS.  MACLABEN.  It  must  be  a  wonderful  article,  and  he's  such  a 
fascinating  man. 

VIBGINIA.  I'm  glad  you  like  him,  Mrs.  Maclaren — I'm  sure  it's 
among  these  somewhere.  (Going  down  to  music-cabinet  and  kneeling.) 

MBS.  MACLABEN  (moves  to  table  and  looks  at  papers).  I  don't  know 
when  I've  met  anyone  BO  interesting.  He's  been  everywhere,  done 
everything,  and  seems  to  know  every  one  worth  knowing. 

VIBOINTA.    Yes,  he  is  nice,  isn't  he  ? 

MBS.  MACLABEN.    Where  did  you  meet  him,  Virginia  1 

VIRGINIA.  At  Aunt  Sophie's.  (Takes  several  copies  of  "  Spectator  " 
out  of  music-cabinet.) 

MRS.  MACLAREN.  It's  wonderful  how  your  aunt  always  manages 
to  collect  interesting  people.  I've  quite  lost  my  heart  to  Mr.  Jarvis. 
He  somehow  makes  you  feel  that  you  are  attractive  and  interesting, 
and  that's  such  an  art,  my  dear.  .  .  .  Men  nowadays  are  so 
matter-of-fact.  They  expect  you  to  like  them  without  any  effort 
'on  their  part  to  make  themselves  agreeable. 

VIBGINIA.    Yes,  he  is  different,  isn't  he  ? 

MBS.  MACLABEN.  You  mustn't  let  him  make  himself  too  agree- 
•  able  to  you,  Virginia ;  what  would  Mr.  Heron  have  to  say  about  it  ? 
(Sitting  on  L.  end  of  table.) 

VIBGINIA.    Oh,  dear  old  Ernest,  why,  he's  a  sort  of  cousin. 

MBS.  MACLABEN.  Yes — about  forty  times  removed — and  he's 
very  fond  of  you,  you  know. 

VIBOINIA.  Yea,  in  his  matter-of-fact  way,  I  suppose  he  is,  but 
he  doei  rather  take  me  for  granted.  You'd  never  catch  Ernest 

7 


8  GRUMPY.  [Aor  L 

making  you  feel  that  you're  attractive  and  interesting.  (With  a 
little  laugh.)  There's  no  art  about  Ernest.  Tou  should  see  hu 
letters  from  South  Africa ! 

MBS.  MACLAREN.     Oh  !    Ginnie  1 

VIRGINIA..  You  might  just  as  wefl — they  certainly  aren't  love 
letters  I 

MRS.  MACLAREN.  No,  my  dear,  Ernest  isn't  that  sort,  but  he's  a 
very  good  sort  all  the  same. 

VIRGINIA.    Ah,  here  it  is.     "The  Psychology  of  the  Orient," 
J.  H.  Jarvis. 
i    MRS.  MACLAREN  (coming  to  VIRGINIA).    Isn't  he  clever  1 

(VIRGINIA  gives  her  the  paper  and  rises.) 

VIRGINIA.  You  won't  forget  to  let  me  have  it  back,  will  you  T 
(Putting  papers  back  in  music-edbinet.) 

MRS.  MACLAREN  (sits  L.C.,  below  table).  Oh  no,  I  know  what  your 
grandfather  is  about  his  weeklies. 

VIRGINIA  (going  to  MRS.  MACLAREN).  Yes,  if  he  happened  to 
want  that  particular  number,  and  it  wasn't  in  its  proper  place,  he'd 
make  no  end  oi  a  fuss — the  old  dear. 

(DR.  MACLAREN  enters  K.) 

DR.  MACLAREN  (comes  to  below  settee).  Ah  1  Well,  that  Mr.  Jarvis 
is  really  most  charming,  and  I  must  say  it  has  >een  a  delightful 
experience  to  meet  a  man  outside  of  our  profession  so  appreciative 
of  what  we  doctors  are  trying  to  do.  (To  MRS.  MACLAREN — taking 
out  his  watch.)  Now,  my  dear,  it's  nearly  midnight — we  have  a  long 
drive  home,  you  know. 

MRS.  MACLAREN.  Oh,  is  it  as  late  as  that  ?  I  must  go  and  put 
my  things  on  at  once.  (Moves  to  below  settee.) 

DR.  MACLABEN.    Yes,  come  along !    (Goes  and  opens  door.) 

MRS.  MACLAREN.  You  know,  Virginia,  I'm  very  disappointed  at 
riot  seeing  your  grandfather.  Give  him  my  love,  and  tell  him  that 
I  shall  drive  over  some  day  soon — in  the  afternoon,  when  I  shall  be 
sure  of  finding  him  about.  (Crosses  to  door.) 

VIRGINIA.    Oh  yes,  do. 

DR.  MACLAREN.  Oh,  Mr.  Bullivant  doesn't  want  to  be  bothered 
..with  women. 

MRS.  MACLABEN.  Oh,  but  he's  rather  fond  of  me — he's  always  so 
charming  whenever  we  meet. 

VIRGINIA.    I'm  quite  sure  he'd  be  charming  to  you,  Mrs.  Maclaren. 

MRS.  MACLABEN.  There — you  see,  James  1  (Turning  to  DR.  MAC- 
LAREN.) 

DR.  MACLAREN  (holding  door  open).  Take  care,  Miss  Virginia ; 
you'd  be  turning  my  wife's  head  and  make  her  think  me  even  more 
;  stupid  than  I  am  really. 

(Enter  KEBLE,  door  up  L,,  looking  lor  something.) 


ACT  L]  GRUMPY.  9 

MRS.  MACLAREN.  Oh,  I'm  sure  she  couldn't  do  that,  my  dear — I 
mean — • —  (Goes  out.) 

VIRGINIA.  Are  you  looking  for  something,  Keblet  (Turnt  to 
KEBLE.) 

KEBLE.    Mr.  Jarvis's  cap,  miss. 

VIRGINIA.  Oh  yes,  you're  going  ahead  of  Mr.  Jarvia  by  the 
last  train  to-night,  aren't  you  ? 

KEBLE.    Yes,  miss. 

MRS.  MACLAREN  (off).    Virginia  I ! 

VIRGINIA.     I'm  coming. 

(Exits  E.,  followed  by  Da.  MACLAREN,  who  closes  door.     Enter  SUSAN, 
up  L.    KEBLE  is  now  c.) 

SUSAN  (who  is  carrying  a  cap).    I  say,  this  is  Mr.  Jarvis's,  isn't  it  ? 

KEBLE.  Ah — there  it  IB,  that's  what  I  was  looking  for.  (He 
lakes  it  from  her  and  puts  it  down  on  settee  R.  when  he  speaks  to  her. 
SUSAN  goes  to  top  of  table  and  arranges  papers.)  Sue  ? 

SUSAN  (coming  down  c.).    What  do  you  want  ? 

KEBLE.  My  answer — answer  to  my  question.  I'm  takin'  the 
governor's  things  up  to  town  to-night — I  might  not  have  a  chance 
o'  seeing  you  again. 

SUSAN.     Oh,  we  haven't  known  each  other  very  long. 

KEBLE.     There  isn't  somebody  else  ? 

SUSAN.     I've  told  you  there  isn't 

KEBLE.     Ah,  but 

SUSAN.     I'm  fond  of  young  men  and  all  that 

KEBLE.  And  as  soon  as  my  back's  turned  I  s'pose  there  will 
be  some  one  else.  Come,  say  you  will. 

SUSAN  (L.  of  table).  Oh,  I  don't  mean  to  be  unkind,  William,  but 
I  must  think  of  things.  What  are  we  going  to  marry  on  ?  I  like 
you  well  enough,  you  know  that,  but  how  could  we  marry — yet, 
No,  I  won't  promise. 

(KEBLB  is  down  B.  of  table.) 

KEBLE  (loftily).    All  right — remember  I'm  going  to-night. 

SUSAN.  Make  a  little  more  money — enough  to  keep  us  comfoit- 
able — and  I  will.  (Offers  her  hands') 

KEBLE  (goes  to  her  and  takes  her  hands).  You  mean  it  ?  I'd  do 
anything  to  get  hold  of  you.  If  I  come  across  some  money.  .  .  . 
Here,  look  here,  Sue,  I'll  be  at  that  window  later. 

SUSAN.    No,  you  mustn't.     (Turns  away.) 

KEBLE.    Now,  look  here,  Sue  dear 

SUSAN.     Don't  call  me  dear. 

KEBLE.     There  is  some  one  elae. 

SUSAN.     Oh,  there's  plenty  of  nice  young  men  around. 

KEBLE.  Now  I  s'pose  you're  trying  to  make  me  jealous — well, 
you  can't. 


10  GRUMPY.  [Acr  1 

SUSAN.    Oh,  can't  I  ! 
KEBLB.     No,  and  don't  you  try  to. 
SUSAN.     Why,  what  would  you  do  if  I  did  ? 
KEBLB.    There's  no  knowing  what  I'd  do.    Come  on ;  say  "  yes." 
"  Yes,  soon." 

[Enter  DAWSON  B.,  showing  in  ERNEST.  KEBLB  goes  up  c.  ERNEST 
'  is  a  big,  roughish  Britisher — a  touch  of  the  Colonies ;  easy -going,  a 

trifle  noisy  ;  good-natured  and  perfectly  well-bred  ;  altogether  a  joUy 

sort  of  fellow,  in  a  well-worn  lounge  suit.) 

DAWSON  (standing  at  door).    I  will  inform  Mr.  Bullivant,  sir. 

ERNEST.    Thank  you. 

(DAWSON  goes  out  R.    KEBLE  goes  round  up  stage  and  works  down  to  H.) 

ERNEST  (joyfully).    Hallo,  Susan  ! 

SUSAN   (in  surprise — coming  to  ERNEST).    Mr.   Ernest  1    Why, 
wherever  have  you  sprung  from,  sir  ? 

(ERNEST,  taking  both  SUSAN'S  lands  enthusiastically  gazes  at  her  in 

admiration.) 

ERNEST.    Susan,  my  dear,  you're  better-looking  tb*n  ever  1 
(KEBLB  w  now  up  by  settee.) 

SUSAN.    But  where  have  you  come  from,  sir  ? 
ERNEST.    Never  mind  where  I've  come  from — I  hope  you're  half 
as  glad  to  see  me  as  I  am  to  see  you. 

(Exit  KEBLE,  down  R.) 

Susan,  you  are  a  picture.     I've  half  a  mind (Feigns  to  kiss  her. ) 

SUSAN.    Mr.  Ernest,  you're  worse  than  you  were  before  you  went 
uway. 

ERNEST.    The  older  I  grow,  Susan,  the  more  I  love  your  pretty 
face. 

SUSAN  (laughing).    Oh,  Mr.  Ernest !    (Backing  from  him.) 

ERNEST.     Upon  my  soul  I  do,  Susan  1     Anyone  stopping  here  ! 
How  are  they  all,  eh  ? 

SUSAN.    Only  Mr.  Jarvis,  sir.    Oh,  Dr.  Maclaren's  dining  here,  too. 

ERNEST.    Dr.     Maclaren — but,     Jarvis — Jarvis  ?     (Moving    R.) 
Don't  seem  to  remember  him. 

,  SUSAN  (L.C.).  Miss  Virginia  met  him  in  London  some  little  time 
igo ;  then  the  master  met  him,  and  then — well,  the  other  day  he  came 
down  here.  (Up  by  L.  of  table  c.) 

ERNEST  (c.).    Attracted  by  Miss  Virginia  ! 

(SusAN  does  not  reply,  and  turns  slightly  away.) 

Busan,  you've  got  into  a  bad  habit.    Ycu're  sly. 
•    SUSAN.    Mr.  Ernest,  I'm  not.    (Turning  sharply.) 


Ao*  L]  GRUMPY.  II 

ERNEST.  There's  something  going  on  at  the  back  of  your  brain^ 
and  you're  not  telling  me  what  it  is.  What  is  it  ? 

SUSAN.    Well,  you  won't  tell  anybody?     (Arranging  flowers.) 

ERNEST.    Not  a  soul. 

SUSAN.    Well,  Miss  Virginia — is  a  little  bit 

ERNEST.    Yes  ? 

SUSAN.    Attracted  by  him. 

ERNEST.  Jarvis,  Jarvis,  eh  I  What  does  Grumpy  thinl 
about  it  ? 

SUSAN.    He  doesn't  seem  to  notice  anything. 

ERNEST.  Oh,  don't  tell  me  a  clever  old  criminal  lawyer  like 
Grumpy — doesn't  notice  it.  (Moving  to  B.,  and  taking  coat  off.) 
That  must  be  stopped. 

SUSAN.  Perhaps  your  coming  back  will  do  it.  Well,  you've 
been  a  long  time  away,  and  after  all,  Miss  Virginia  is  very  young. 
(At.  mantelpiece  with  flowers.) 

ERNEST  (thoughtfully).  How  is  the  dear  old  man  ?  Bad-tempered 
as  ever  ?  (Throws  overcoat  on  settee.) 

SUSAN  (laughing — gets  L.C.).  Worse.  Everything  has  to  be  in 
apple-pie  order,  or  else — an  explosion  I 

ERNEST  (laughing,  goes  up  c.,  and  back  to  table).  By  George,  I'd 
like  to  make  hay  of  this  room  just  to  see  what  would  happen.  (Sits 
on  L.  end  of  table,  c.)  You  must  all  be  having  a  lively  time  down 
here.  (Takes  up  Bradshaw.) 

SUSAN.    We  don't  take  any  notice  of  it. 

ERNEST.    Ah,  his  heart's  in  the  right  place,  Susan.    Eh  1 

SUSAN  (coming  up  to  table  to  ERNEST).  There's  times,  when  he's 
firing  out  at  me,  when  I'd  just  like  to  take  him  in  my  arms  and  give 
him  a  good  kiss. 

ERNEST  (laughing  heartily).    Ha,  ha  I  why  don't  you  do  it,  Susan  ? 

SUSAN.     I  would  if  I  wasn't  afraid.     (Leans  on  chair  L.  of  table.} 

ERNEST  (after  laughing,  suddenly  suppressing  his  mirth).  Suppos- 
ing I  fired  out  at  you — would  you  be  afraid  of  me  1 

SUSAN.     I  should  box  your  ears,  Mr.  Ernest.     (Laughs.) 

ERNEST.  Would  you,  by  Jove  1  (Rises.)  Here,  I  say,  I  must 
tidy  up  a  bit.  I  suppose  they're  dressed  ? 

SUSAN.    Yes,  sir. 

ERNEST.  Dear,  dear  !  This  won't  do.  Give  me  a  brush  down, 
Susan. 

(SUSAN  brushes  ERNEST  with  for  hand  as  rte  turns  round.     H«  crosses 
her  to  fire  and  looks  in  glass  on  mantelpiece.) 

SUSAN.  Oh,  you're  not  so  dusty,  sir.  Well,  I  can't  brush  you 
if  you  don't  keep  still. 

ERNEST  (coming  dowrt  to  busAN).  Look  at  my  tie.  Be  a  good 
girl — tie  me  a  nice  bow. 

ties  his  necktie  for  him.) 


It  GRUMPY.  [Aor  i. 

(As  though  about  to  kiss  her.)    I've  a  jolly  good  mind  U 
(SUSAN  pushes  him  off — busy  with  the  tie ) 
SUSAN.    Don't  be  so  silly.    There  i    There's  a  nice  bow. 
(ERNEST  turns  to  fire-place  and  looks  in  glass  on  mantel.) 

ERNEST.  Now,  let  me  see.  Susan,  you're  an  artist — tie  all  right 
— clothes — (Looking  down  at  his  rough  clothes) — well,  pretty  right — 
boots  a  bit  dusty,  eh  ?  (Wipes  boots  on  trousers.) 

SUSAN.     Oh,  Mr.  Ernest,  you  are 

ERNEST  (goes  up  to  L.C.  Carelessly  picks  a  camelia  from  plant  on 
L.  of  windows).  I  say,  I  must  smarten  up  a  bit. 

SUSAN.     Oh,  Mr.  Ernest,  what  are  you  doing  ?     (Going  up  c.) 

ERNEST.    What's  the  matter  ? 

SUSAN.  That's  Mr.  Bullivant's  pet  plant.  My  goodness  I  You'll 
catch  it,  sir ! 

ERNEST.  Good  Lord  I  Is  it  ?  He'll  kick  up  a  deuce  of  a  row , 
it'll  do  me  good  to  hear  him  again  though,  Susan,  and  when  it's 
all  over  he'd  give  me  the  whole  tree  if  he  thought  I  wanted  it.  A 
little  bit  of  cotton  to  tie  it  up. 

SUSAN.  There  isn't  any  here,  Mr.  Ernest — but  I'll  fetch  some. 
(Crosses  L.  to  door  up  L.) 

ERNEST.  No,  no,  don't  bother  to  fetch  it ;  perhaps  I've  got  a 
bit  of  string  or  something. 

(Enter  KEBLE  R.    SUSAN  turns  and  sees  him.) 

SUSAN.  I  suppose  this  wouldn't  do,  would  it  ?  (Putting  out  a 
hair  and  glancing  at  KEBLE.) 

ERNEST.  Of  course  it  will,  Susan,  splendidly — a  hair — a  simple 
hair. 

(KEBLE  observes  ERNEST  and  SUSAN.     He  picks  up  cap.) 

We  will  dispense  with  the  cotton,  Susan,  and  we  will  tie  up  this 
camelia  with  a  silken  hair  from  your  beautiful  head. 

(KEBLE  goes  up  to  back  and  puts  cap  in  bag.    SUSAN  just  glances  at 
him,  unnot'iced  by  ERNEST,  and  laughs.) 

There,  now,  don't  giggle — do  what  I  tell  you.    Here's  the  leaf. 
(KEBLE  conies  down  B.,  bag  in  L.  hand.) 

SUSAN  (laughing).    Oh,  a  long  time  that  will  hold  together ! 

EBNEST  (busy  binding  tJie  hair  round  the  stem  of  the  flower).  Now 

be  very  careful (Holding  the  caindia  to  SUSAN.)  Now  tie  the 

i  knot. 

(They  are  now  both  very  intent  on  the  camelia.) 
SUSAS.    You  want  eyes  for  this  job — there ! 


ACT  L)  GRUMPY.  11 

(KEBLS  is  down  B.,  watching.) 

ERNEST.    Let  me  see  .  .  .  excellent,  Susan  I 
SUSAN.    I  don't  believe  it'll  come  undone. 

(EJEBLB  exits  down  B.) 

ERNEST.  No,  it'll  stay  there  for  ever  1  (Putting  fewer  carefully 
in  his  coat.) 

(As  KEBLE  goes,  SUSAN  glances  at  Mm  and  again  laughs  ;  crosses  a. 
to  front  of  settee.) 

What  are  yon  laughing  at  ! 

SUSAN.    I'd  like  to  know  what  somebody  would  say  to  afl  this. 
ERNEST.    Who  1     (Coming  down  R.  to  her.) 
SUSAN  (loftily).    Oh,  somebody  I  know.    (Getting  to  door.) 
EBNEST.    Really  ? 
SUSAN.    Why  not,  Mr.  Ernest! 
EBNEST.    Who  is  it,  Susan! 

(Ms.  BULLIVANT  is  heard  outside.) 
(BusAN  hears  MB.  BULLIVANT  and  exits  B.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (off).  How  many  times  am  I  to  speak  about 
this  ?  I  will  not  have  trays  placed  on  that  polished  table  1 

ERNEST.  Ah — Grumpy !  Good  old  Grumpy  I  God  bless  him ! 
(7s  down  B.) 

(MR.  BULLIVANT  enters  up  L.  He  it  a  very  fussy  old  gentleman.  A 
little  old-fashioned,  storming  at  everybody  one  moment,  all  heart  the 
next.  He  enters  grumbling  at  MRKRTDEW,  the  footman,  who  follows 
him  in.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Understand,  if  you  please,  I  will  have  my  orders 
carried  out.  (Seeing  EBNEST.)  Ah,  Ernest  1  What  on  earth 
brings  you  here  ?  I  didn't  even  know  you  were  in  England.  Merri- 
dew — Merridew  I  It  is  extraordinary  how  many  times  I  have  to 
speak  of  every  little  thing  I 

MERRIDEW.    Very  sorry,  sir! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Quiet,  quiet — don't  make  a  noise.  Where  are 
they!  In  the  drawing-room  1 

MERRIDEW.    Yes,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Quiet — quiet  I  I  don't  wish  them  to  know 
I'm  downstairs.  (To  MERRIDEW.)  Well,  Ernest,  what's  wrong! 
(To  EBNEST.)  You're  in  some  scrape  I  suppose !  (Dropping  down 
L.  a  little.)  Merridew,  who  is  responsible  for  having  my  chimney 
swept! 

MERRIDEW  (behind  table  c.).    Dawson,  sir.     (Crosses  to  B.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Well,  send  him  to  me.  My  study  is  unbearable 
—can't  sit  in 


14  GRUMPY.  [Ao*  I. 

MERRIDEW.    Well,  sir,  I've  spoken—— 
MR.  BULLIVANT.    Quiet  I    Quiet  I 

MERRIDEW.    I've  spoken  again 

M&.  BULLIVANT.  Quiet,  quiet,  quiet  1  That  will  do.  Be  rare 
nt  one  knows  I  am  downstairs. 

(MERRIDBW  goes  off  R.) 

Well,  well  f  Some  scrape,  I  suppose  ?  What  is  it  f  What  is  it  1 
(Going  to  fire-place,) 

ERNEST  (heartily,  moving  L.C.).    How  are  you,  sir  f 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  How  am  1 1  Why,  I'm  very  well.  How  do 
you  suppose  I  am  ?  Now,  then,  come  on,  what  is  it  1  Money  ? 
Money,  I  suppose !  You  wouldn't  come  here  in  the  middle  of  the 
night,  without  letting  anyone  know,  unless  you  were  in  some 
difficulty.  What  is  it  ? 

ERNEST  (seriously).    Perhaps,  sir,  I'd  better  be  frank  with  you 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (warming  hands  at  fire).  No,  thank  you.  No, 
thank  you.  (DAWSON  enters  R.)  I  always  distrust  people  who  tell 

me  they're  going  to  be  frank  with  me,  and (Suddenly  sees 

DAWSON.)  What  the  devil  are  you  doing  here  I  (Crosses  to  c.) 

DAWSON.    You  sent  for  me,  sir  ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    No,  I  didn't.  ...    Go  away  1    Go  away  1 1 

DAWSON.     I  beg  pardon,  sir.    I  thought 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (crossing  to  B.C.).  Well,  you  shouldn't  think.  Go 
away.  Go  away. 

(DAWSON  goes  to  door  B.) 
ERNEST  (touching  his  arm).    Chimney,  sir. 

(DAWSON  comes  lack  and  stands  below  B.  end  of  sofa.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Eh! 

ERNEST  (L.C.).    Chimney. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (remembering).  Oh  yes,  of  course.  I  sent  for 
you.  (To  DAWSON.)  Of  course  I  sent  for  you.  My  chimney — 
chimney  in  my  room  is  smoking 

DAWSON  (B.).    Really,  sir.    The  chimneys  were  all    •  • 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (u.c.j.  You're  about  to  tell  me  the  chimney  has 
just  been  swept! 

(DAWSON  is  silent.) 

Weren't  yon  ?    Gome — be  honest.    Weren't  you  ! 

DAWSON.    Yes,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Why  will  you  purposely  deceive  me  about  this 
chimney  ?  My  study  is  unbearable — can't  sit  in  it — can' t  come 
downstairs — house  full  of  people — obliged  to  go  to  bed.  Monstrous  I 
See  to  it. 

DAWSON.    Yes,  sir. 


Ac*  1]  GRUMPY.  1C 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Well,  go  along.    Don't  stand  staring  there. 

DAWSON.    Yes,  sir.    (Going.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Wait  a  minute.  Don't  mention  that  I  am 
downstairs. 

DAWSON.    No,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Well,  get  along — get  along !  What  the  devil 
are  you  standing  there  for  f 

(DAWSON  goes  B.  and  off  in  rather  a  frightened  manner.) 

(To  ERNEST.)  Now,  then — what  have  you  done  !  (Going  up  B. 
behind  table.) 

ERNEST.    The  firm  has  sent  me  home,    (o.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  I  knew  it  1  Well — a  firm  doesn't  send  a  young 
man  from  Africa  to  England  unless  he's  done  something  remarkable 
— what  is  it  ?  Money  ?  (Dropping  down  L.  from  behind  table.) 

ERNEST.    Something  to  do  with  money — yes. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Just  as  I  thought.  Well,  how  much  is  it,  and 
what  do  you  want  ?  It  can't  be  anything  fraudulent,  because, 
although  you  are  a  scoundrel,  you  are  not  a  dishonourable  scoundrel. 
What  have  you  done  ? 

ERNEST.  It  isn't  what  I  have  done.  It's  what  the  firm  have 
done. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    They've  discharged  you  t     (Sits  in  arm-chair.) 

ERNEST.    No  ;   they've  raised  my  salary. 

(MR.  BULLIVANT  looks  at  him  a  moment,  then  laughs  heartily.) 

I'm  not  joking.    (L.C.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    No,  but  they  must  be. 

ERNEST.    They're  not.    They've  raised  my  salary. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  What  for  ?  I  always  looked  upon  you  as  th* 
fool  of  the  firm. 

ERNEST.     I  think  that's  why  they've  raised  my  salary. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Will  you  be  good  enough  to  tell  me  why  you 
are  here,  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  without  any  warning,  and  why 
you  wanted  to  see  me  privately  ? 

(ERNEST  goes  B.  and  quietly  opens  and  closes  the  door,  looks  at  window. 
MR.  BULLIVANT  watches  him  attentively.) 

Where  are  you  going  1  Don't  go  while  I'm  talking  to  you.  Don't 
go,  I  say,  you're  very  mysterious,  ain't  you  ? 

ERNEST  (takes  chair  L.  of  table  and  moving  it  a  little  sits  L.C.). 
Just  as  well  to  be  careful.  The  firm  has  sent  me  home  on  a  little 
matter  of  business.  When  that  is  done,  they  raise  my  salary  and 
give  me  a  month's  holiday. 

MB.  BULLIV*NT  (after  a  pause).    What  business  I 


If  GRUMPY.  [Acr  L 

ERNEST  (carelessly).    Ever  heard  of  the  Lawson  diamond! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Lawson  diamond  !  Of  course  I  have.  Huge 
stone  discovered  by  you  some  time  back. 

ERNEST.    Discovered  in  our  mine. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Well,  I  mean  in  your  mine.  I  didn't  suppose 
for  a  moment  you  discovered  it.  Not  likely ! 

ERNEST.    What  do  you  know  about  it  ? 

MR.  EULLTVANT.  As  much  as  anyone  else,  I  suppose.  Long 
article  in  "  The  Times  "  some  months  back — describing  its  discovery — 
its  immense  value — ninety  thousand  pounds,  wasn't  it  I — something 
utterly  ridiculous  like  that — and  how  it  was  on  its  way  to  England 
under  an  escort. 

ERNEST.  Yes  ;  that's  what  we  wanted  them  to  think.  When  a 
diamond  of  much  value  is  being  taken  from  one  place  to  another 
it  is  usually  supposed  to  be  under  strong  escort. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Thank  you  very  much.  How  very  kind  of 
you.  Teach  your  grandmother  I  Do  you  take  me  for  a  damn  fool, 
or  what? 

ERNEST.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  however,  there  are  in  these  sort 
of  cases  two  diamonds — the  original  and  a  clever  imitation.  It  ii 
the  imitation  which  travels  with  the  escort. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  God  bless  my  soul  1  Then  what  becomes  of 
the  original  ? 

ERNEST.  Well,  the  firm  sends  for  one  of  its  clerks — possibly  the 
fool  of  the  firm.  To  him  they  hand  the  original.  He  puts  it  in 
his  pocket  and  receives  his  instructions.  He  is  to  proceed  in  a 
leisurely  fashion  by  some  ordinary  steamer  as  an  ordinary  passenger 
to  London.  Arrived  there,  he  goes  to  the  office — hands  the  original 
to  a  certain  person — gets  the  receipt,  and,  in  this  case,  a  rise  of  salary, 
and  a  month's  holiday  1 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Then  you 

ERNEST.    Yes,  fool  of  the  firm ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (in  surprise).    And  the  Lawson  diamond ? 

(ERNEST  smiling — pats  the  pocket  of  his  waistcoat.) 

My  dear  fellow,  I'm  delighted !  I'm  simply  delighted.  (Shaking 
ERNEST  heartily  by  both  hands,)  You  muet  be  a  very  clever  fellow 
for  them  to  trust  you  like  this.  By  George,  you  must  be  very  clever 
indeed  !  And  yet,  you  don't  look  it,  do  you  ? 

ERNEST.  Ah,  I've  been  one  too  many  for  you,  sir  !  The  fool  of 
the  firm  has  deceived  the  brilliant  old  criminal  lawyer.  By  Jove ! 
I  ought  to  have  a  year's  holiday  instead  of  a  month. 

(MR.  BULLIVANT  laughs.) 

Can  I  have  something  to  eat  f 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (rises).  Can  you  have  something  to  eat  ?  (Goes 
down  L.,  and  rings  electric  bell  below  fire-place.)  A  fellow  with  ninety 


Ao*  LI  aRUMPY.  iV 

thousand  pounds  in  his  pocket  asking  for  something  to  eat !  You 
can  have  every  mortal  thing  in  the  house  as  far  as  I'm  concerned. 
But  I  can't  understand  why  you  didn't  take  the  diamond  straight  to 
London.  (Below  fire-place.) 

ERNBST.  The  Chief  wired  me  to  Southampton  appointing  to- 
morrow morning,  and  I  preferred  to  come  here  to  knocking  about  in 
•orne  London  hotel. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Well,  of  course,  of  course.  That  would  have 
been  most  dangerous.  (Crossing  to  c.) 

ERNEST.     Besides 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Yes  ? 

ERNEST.     How's  Virginia  ? 

(MR.  BULLIVANT  chuckles  to  himself,  crosses  B.) 

What's  the  matter  ?  , 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (again  laughing).  Oh,  nothing,  nothing — (Laughs) 
— you'd  better  ask  her  yourself.  She'll  be  here  as  soon  as  she  knows 
you're  on  the  premises.  Haven't  you  dined  !  (Turning  to  ERNEST 
and  coming  above  table.) 

ERNEST.     No  ;  I  thought  I'd  come  straight  here. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Quite  right.  Very  sensible.  Very  sensible  of 
you  !  I  say,  Ernest — not  a  word  to  anyone  else. 

ERNEST  (seriously).    You  are  the  only  person,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Ah,  that's  right.  Ninety  thousand  pounds 
eh  ?  (Above  table.)  Wonderful ! 

ERNEST.    Yes. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Wonderful !  Wonderful !  I  And  in  yow 
pocket  too,  eh  ! — wonderful ! 

ERNEST.  Well,  you  see,  sir,  it  isn't  only  the  diamond — it's  what 
the  diamond  means. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Eh  ? 

ERNEST.    And  the  diamond  means — Virginia. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Ah  ! 

ERNEST.  The  better  I  stand  with  the  firm — the  nearer  I  am  to 
Virginia.  (Rises  and  puts  chair  back  below  table.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (behind  table).  I  can't  tell  you  how  glad  I  am  to 
hear  you  say  that. 

ERNEST.  She's  never  really  out  of  my  thoughts,  you  know.  In 
my  rooms  abroad  I've  a  perfect  gallery  of  her  photographs.  Do  you 
object  to  my  smoking  ?  (Going  to  fire  and  knocking  pipe  out  on  R. 
boot.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    No,  it's  a  most  objectionable  habit,  but  still,  I 

•oppose What  are  you  doing  making  that  mess  all  over  the 

hearthrug  ?     (Goes  to  fire  and  picks  up  brush — sweeps  tobacco-ash  up  in 
fire-place.) 

ERNEST.    You  take  snuff (Moving  to  o.    Going  to  tatfe  and 

opening  packet  of  tobacco.)    That's  worse 


II  GRUMPY.  [Aor  L 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Yea,  very  occasionally  I  do  take  snuff,  but  that, 
too,  is  an  objectionable  habit.  What  are  you  doing  ?  (Moving  to 
table,  c.,  and  clearing  up  tobacco.) 

ERNEST  (goes  to  smaU  table  R.C.).    Shocking ! 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Well,  yes,  but  it's  not  so  bad  as  smoking 

(ERNEST  squirts  syphon  on  floor.) 

(Up  L.  of  table).  What  are  you  doing  ?  God  bless  my  soul  I  You 
really  are  the  most  careless  fellow  I  ever  met  in  all  my  life  I 
(Moving  down  L.) 

ERNEST  (innocently — astonished}.    What,  sir  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (works  round  L.  to  above  table.  Very  eoccitedly — 
c.).  You  don't  know  it — you  don't  know  it,  of  course !  I  don't 
say  you  do  it  on  purpose — but  you  really  are  appallingly  untidy. 

ERNEST.    My  dear  sir  ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  It's  all  right — it's  all  right — please  don't  think 
I'm  complaining.  I'm  not  complaining.  I  merely  mention  it — I 
merely  mention  it. 

ERNEST.    I'd  no  idea 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (hysterically).  I  knew  you'd  no  idea ;  that's  the 
terrible  part  of  it. 

ERNEST.    But  what  have  I  done  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  What  have  you  done  ?  What  have  you  done  ! 
(Moving  below  table.)  Tobacco  ash — all  over  the  place — I  sweep  it 
up — I  say  nothing.  No  sooner  have  I  done  that — look  here — all 
over  the  table — meanwhile  you  flood  the  place  with  soda-water. 
You've  no  idea  what  you're  like.  (Going  up  L.  and  finishing  c.,  abow 
table.)  I  never  saw  such  a  man  1  You  really  should  break  yourself 
of  these  habits. 

(By  this  time  he  is  face  to  face  with  ERNEST  above  table.  During  the 
old  man's  outburst  ERNEST  has  apparently  been  blankly  astonisJied — 
now  a  broad  genial  smile  comes  over  his  face  and  at  last  he  laiighs 
heartily.) 

I'm  not  laughing.    (Almost  hysterically.) 
ERNEST.    Yes,  you  are. 
MR.  BULLIVANT.    No,  I'm  not. 

(He  is  turning  indignantly  away  when  ERNEST  stops  him,  places  his 
hands  firmly  on  the  old  man's  shoulders  and  turns  him  slowly  round 
till  they  are  once  more  face  to  face.) 

ERNEST  (R.O.,  still  smiling).  Yes,  you  are,  you  dear  old  man — 
can't  you  see  I  have  been  pulling  your  leg  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (c.,  severely).    I  won't  have  my  leg  pulled. 

ERNEST.  Susan  told  me  if  a  thing  was  out  of  place  in  this  room 
you  exploded. 

BULLIVANT.    How  dare  she  !    How  dare  she  I 


ERNEST 


ACT  L]  GRUMPY.       .  19 

ERNEST  (going  steadily  on).  I  had  to  see  you  explode — just  to 
remind  me  of  old  times. 

(For  a  moment  they  look  at  each  other  seriously,  then  ERNEST  begins  to 
tmile  slowly.  MR.  BULLIVANT  smiles,  and  gradually  they  both  break 
into  hearty  laughter.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Remind  you  of  old  times,  eh  ?  Old  times, 
when  you  were  a  little  boy,  a  little  curly-headed  beast  of  *  boy. 
(Turns  away — through  his  laughter.}  You  were  I 

(ERNEST  nods — laughing.) 
Watching  me  clear  it  up,  eh  ? 

(ERNEST  nods  ;  then  they  both  laugh  again.) 

Ha,  ha ! — I'm  bound  to  admit  it's  rather  amusing — you  scoundrel ! 
You  scoundrel !    You  young (Slaps  ERNEST  on  L.  side  of  face.) 

(MERRIDEW  enters  R.) 

What  the  devil  do  you  want  ?     (Moving  to  MERRIDEW.) 
MERRIDEW.    You  rang,  sir  ? 
MR.  BULLIVANT.    No,  I  didn't.    Go  away,  go  away. 

(MERRIDEW  w  going.) 

Oh  yes,  I  did  ring.    Mr.  Ernest  would  like  some  supper. 

MERRIDEW.    Yes,  sir.     (Going.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Wait  a  minute.  Do  you  think  I  can  get  to  the 
dining-room  without  being  seen  f 

MERRIDEW.     I  think  so,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Well,  don't  stand  staring  there.  Go  along  with 
you. 

(MERRIDEW  exits.) 

ERNEST  (who  is  on  L.  of  MB.  BULLIVANT).  By  the  way,  you'v* 
•ome  one  staying  here  ? 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    No,  no  I    Only — Mr.  Jarvis. 

ERNEST.    Who  is  he  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Oh,  I  don't  know.  Virginia  met  him  at  some 
house  in  town — then  I  met  him  a  little  later  at  a  public  dinner.  We 
both  of  us  liked  him,  and — er — we  asked  him  down.  (Now  at  door 

B.) 

ERNEST.    Dinner-party  on  this  evening  ? 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  No,  only  Mr.  Jarvis  and  Dr.  Maclaren  and  hi* 
wife — horrid  over-dressed  little  beast — I  hate  her,  and  Virginia. 

ERNEST.    Why  don't  you  join  them  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (turning  to  ERNEST,  who  w  R.C.).  Oh,  my  dear 
boy  1  I  am  much  too  old.  Besides,  my  health  won't  permit. 

ERNEST.    Why.  rubbish,  sir  1    You're  the  youngest  of  us  all 


20  GRUMPY.  [Aor  L 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Oh  no,  no,  no  !  Don't  be  foolish.  Besides,  I 
can't  stand  it  —  chatter,  chatter,  all  about  nothing  at  all  1  Virginia 
likes  it,  and  she  allows  me  to  hide  upstairs,  where  I  am  perfectly 
happy.  Oh  no,  my  dear  boy,  I  have  talked  conventional  rubbish  to 
uninteresting  visitors  for  more  than  half  a  century.  Now  I  am 
taking  a  holiday. 

(Voices  are  heard.) 

(In  much  agitation,  going  up  stage  behind  couch.)    Oh,  voices! 
Can't  you  stop  them  —  I  - 

(The  voices  grow  louder.    In  particular  MRS.   MACLAREN   is   heard 
off  R.    ERNEST  moves  to  L.C.) 

MRS.  MACLAREN  (off).    But  I  must  see  him.    This  room,  isn't  it  I 
MR.  BULLIVANT.    It's  Mrs.  Maclaren.    I'm  off  !   I'm  off  !   I'm  off  ! 

(MR.    BULLIVANT    moves    towards    his    bedroom.    The  door   opens 
and  MRS.  MACLAREN  enters.) 

MRS.  MACLAREN.  Aha  !  Here  you  are  ;  we  never  see  you.  It's 
my  belief  you  hide.  (Getting  to  R.C.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (coming  slightly  down  to  her  on  R.  side  of  table  and 
shaking  hands  —  c.).  No,  I  just  crept  downstairs  on  purpose  to  catch 
a  glimpse  of  you. 

MRS.  MACLAREN  (pleased).    I  don't  believe  you  did. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    I  did,  really. 

MRS.  MACLAREN.    How  are  you  ? 

.    MR.  BULLIVANT  (a  little  irritably).    I'm  not  at  all  well.    This 
weather,  you  know,  is  trying.     Oh,  you  know  my  nephew,  don't  you  ? 

(Enter  JARVIS  R.) 

i    MRS.  MACLAREN.    Oh  yes,  of  course,  how  do  you  do  ?     (Crossing 
to  ERNEST.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Ah,  and  here's  Mr.  Jarvis.  Mr.  Jarvis,  may  I 
Introduce  my  nephew  —  Mr.  Ernest  Heron  —  fresh  from  Africa  —  very 
fresh  from  Africa  1  (Tries  to  escape  by  door  L.) 

(ERNEST  crosses  to  JARVIS  below  R.  end  of  settee  and  shakes  hands.) 

MRS.  MACLAREN.  Oh,  Mr.  Bullivant,  I  just  wanted  to  say  - 
(Moves  up  round  and  above  table.) 

MR.  BULLTVANT.  Ah,  yea,  you  must  be  going  -  (Coming  down 
,L.  of  table.) 


and  ERNEST  go  up.) 

MRS.  MACLAREN.  I  could  stop  and  talk  to  you  for  hours. 
(Coming  down  B.  of  table.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Oh,  my  lord  —  I  mean  —  yes,  but  I  shouldn't  do 
it  j  you've  a  long  drive  home,  haven't  you  I 


ACT  LI  GRUMPY.  SI 

MRS.  MACLAREN.  Interesting  man,  Mr.  Jarvis.  (Crossing  with 
MB.  BULLIVANT.) 

(MB.  BULLIVANT  is  below  her  to  couch.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.     Yea,  ain't  he  !     Very  !     (Stopping  below  settee.) 
MRS.   MACLAREN.     Seemed  to  quite  understand  all  my  ideas. 
MR.  BULLIVANT.    Does  he — fancy  1    God  bless  my  soul. 
MRS.  MACLAREN.    Good  night. 
MB.  BULLIVANT.    Oh  no,  I'll  see  you  to  the  door. 

(She  opens  door.) 

Can't  think  why  you  want  to  go — but  I'm  glad  you're  going — I 
mean 

(Ma.  BULLIVANT  goes  off  with  MRS.  MACLABEN  B.,  and  closes  door.) 

ERNEST.    Funny  old  chap — she  always  did  get  on  his  nerves. 
JARVIS  (to  ERNEST).    Just  back  from  Africa,  I  hear  ? 

(Both  come  down  c. — JAB  vis  B.,  and  EBNEST  L.) 

ERNEST.    Yes. 

JARVIS.    Staying  here  long  ?     (Below  table,  c.) 

ERNEST.    I  am  due  in  London  to-morrow  morning. 

JARVIS.  Oh,  I'm  off  to-morrow,  too.  My  man's  taking  my 
vip  to-night.  Colonel  Wilcox  is  motoring  us  up  in  the  morning. 
Bullivant  is  going,  too. 

ERNEST.    Virginia  1    Going  to  London  f 

JARVIS.    Yes,  her  aunt  is  ill,  I  believe. 

ERNEST.    Oh  !    I'm  sorry  to  hear  the  old  lady  is  ill. 

JARVIS.    Why  not  come  in  the  car  with  us  ? 

ERNEST.    No,  I  must  leave  quite  early. 

(As  ERNEST  turns  away  JARVIS  looks  at  him.  He  goes  up  c.,  and 
moves  to  behind  sofa  and  takes  book  off  book-case.  VIRGINIA  comes 
in  with  a  rush  R.,  followed  by  MR.  BULLIVANT.  She  goes  to  ERNEST 
and  greets  him  with  much  enthusiasm.  She  holds  out  her  hands  and 
ERNEST  takes  them.) 

VIBGINIA.  Ernest,  Ernest,  where  are  you.  I  »m  glad  to  see  you 
— you  dear  old  thing — but  what  has  brought  you  back  ?  How  long 
are  you  staying  ?  You  are  looking  well.  When  did  you  land  ? 
Why  didn't  you  let  us  know  ? 

(Through  this  fire  of  questions  ERNEST,  holding  VIRGINIA'S  hands,  tries 
to  break  in  and  answer  her,  but  she  talks  so  fast  that  he  does  not  get  a 
chance.) 

MR.  BULLJVANT  (remonstrating).  My  dear  child,  how  can  the 
poor  boy  answer  all  these  questions.  (R.) 

VIRGINIA.     Rrnest  will  answer  any  questions  I  ask  him. 


ft*  GRUMPY.  [Aon  I 

MR.  BULIJVANT.    Well,  you  see.    (The  fid  man  laughs.) 
VIRGINIA.    You  wait.    What  has  brought  you  back,  Ernest  ? 

ERNEST  (hesitating — smiling).    Er — ahem — er — I 

VIRGINIA.    What  has  brought  you  back,  Ernest  I 
ERNEST.    Well,  dear,  I  can't  quite  tell  you. 
MR.  BULLIVANT.    There  you  are,  there  you  are.    (Laughs.)    Come 
to  grief  at  the  first  fence.    (R.) 
VIRGINIA  (to  MR.  BuLLrvAurr).    You  be  quiet. 

(MR.  BULLIVANT    laughs.      VIRGINIA  takes  ERNEST'S  right  arm 
affectionately  and  moves  L.  and  up  to  window.) 

Come  and  tell  me  all  about  yourself. 

(They  go  up  to  window  and  exeunt  through  it.  JARVIS — who  has  "been 
looking  at  book  up  R. — note  goes  towards  the  window,  and  is  going  to 
follow,  when  MR.  BDLLIVANT  whistles  and  stops  him.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (at  fire.  JARVIS  drops  down  to  MR.  BULLIVANT). 
Two's  company,  don't  you  think  ?  (Laughs.)  Pet  idea  of  mine 
—that— eh  ? 

JARVIS  (cautiously).    Yes — yes. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (by  fire-place).  Ah,  I'm  so  glad — you  agree  with 
me. 

(ERNEST  and  VIRGINIA  laugh  outside  window.) 

Don't  they  sound  happy  out  there,  eh  ?  (Looking  at  them  over  R. 
shoulder.) 

JARVIS.    Yes,  they  do  indeed. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  A  great  grief  to  me,  Mr.  Jarvis,  if  anything  were 
to  interfere  with  my  little  plan. 

JARVIS.    Oh,  I  can  quite  understand  that. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Ernest's  a  bit  of  a  slow  coach,  you  know.  Why, 
God  bless  my  soul,  in  the  old  days  they'd  have  been  half-way  to 
Gretna  Green  by  this  time. 

(MERRIDEW  enters  B.) 

MERRIDEW.    Mr.  Ernest's  supper  is  ready,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Ernest — supper  I  Tell  him  it's  ready,  Mr. 
Jarvis.  Give  him  a  good  shout.  (To  MERRIDEW).  Take  the 
whisky  and  soda  into  the  dining-room. 

(Goes  below  sofa  and  takes  tray  with  syphon,  etc.,  from  table  R.c.» 
and  exits  R.) 

JARVIS.  Mr.  Heron  I  Mr.  Heron,  your  supper's  ready  1  (Up  L. 
qf  window.) 

EBNEST   (coming   through   window   and  going   B.).    Oh — good ! 
(canine  after  him).    Shall  I  come  with  you ! 


ACT  LJ  GRUMPY.  21 

MR.  BULLIVANT.     No,  he  wouldn't  eat  anything  if  you  were 
chattering  there. 
ERNEST.    No — I  won't  be  five  minutes. 

(ERNEST  goes  off  door  down  R.,  taking  his  hat  and  coat  on  arm 
MB.  BULLIVANT  siis  in  arm-chair.) 

JAKVIS.  I  have  been  trying  to  persuade  him  to  motor  up  witt 
us  to-morrow.  (Is  on  L.  of  VIRGINIA.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Oh  yes.    Is  he  doing  so  ? 

JABVIS.    Well,  he  thinks  he  must  go  earlier. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Ah  yes,  of  course.  He  has  some  rather  import 
ant  business.  (JABVIS  is  up  c.) 

VIRGINIA.  Yes — what  is  the  business  ?  (Crosses  to  MR.  BULLI- 
VANT.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Wouldn't  you  like  to  know  1 

(Ma.    BULLIVANT   tings  "  The  Spider  and  the  Fly "  until  VIB- 
GINIA  says,  "  It's  very  mysterious.") 

VIRGINIA.  Hush  1  How  many  times  have  I  told  you  you  must 
not  sing  ?  What  is  the  business — it's  very  mysterious. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Mysterious  ?  Don't  be  silly,  there's  nothing 
whatever  mysterious  about  it.  (Irritably.) 

VIBGINIA  (laughing  at  MB.  BULLIVANT).  Cross-patch.  (Kneeling 
by  him  on  B.  of  easy  chair  and  putting  her  hands  on  arm  of  chair.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    I'm  not  cross.    (Turns  away  irritably.) 

VIRGINIA  (gently  pulls  him  round  till  he  faces  her).    Cross-patch  ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    I'm  not.    (Smiles.) 

VIRGINIA.    Ah,  that's  right.    So  Mrs.  Maclaren  caught  you  \ 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Yes,  very  unfortunate.  Nasty  over-dressed 
little  beast — I  hate  her! 

(JABVIS  comes  down  c.  a  little,  and  looks  at  them.) 

VIRGINIA.  You're  half  asleep,  you  know.  (She  kneels,  takes 
out  his  watch  and  proceeds  to  wind  it.  MR.  BULLIVANT  watches 
her  fondly — presently  he  catches  JABVIS  looking  at  them,  and  he 
laughs.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Yes,  I  am  rather  tired.  Ah,  Mr.  Jarvis,  yon 
must  think  us  a  strange  couple. 

JARVIS.    Oh,  I  think  it's  all  very  delightful.    (By  table  o.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Many  years  ago,  when  this  fine  young  lady 
was  a  little  girl — she  had  a  great  sorrow — her  dear  mother  died — 
(Patting  her  on  the  head — slight  pause) — and  that  evening,  in  order  to 
stop  her  tears,  she  was  permitted,  as  a  special  favour,  to  wind  up  my 
watch,  and  she's  been  winding  it  up  ever  einca.  Haven't  you,  m> 
darlinf  1 


Si  GRUMPY.  [A<n  L 

VIRGINIA  {putting  the  watch  lad).  And  very  nicely  I  do  it, 
don't  I  ? 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Oh,  very,  my  sweet — very.  Do  you  know,  Mr. 
Jarvis — in  all  those  years  I  don't  think  she's  broken  the  main-spring 
more  than  about  thirty-seven  times.  Ah,  I  caught  you  that  time, 
Mr.  Jarvis. 

JARVIS.    Tou  did,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVAKT.  I  caught  him  then.  I  must  try  that  on  the 
curate. 

VIRGINIA  (rising  up — severely).    It's  time  you  were  in  bed. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Yea,  I  am  rather  tired.  Oh  dear,  I  do  hope 
if  I  drop  ofi  to  sleep  in  this  chair  I  shan't  make  that  noise  you  call 
"  kittens."  I  call  it  bronchial  asthma,  Mr.  Jarvis,  but  she  calls  it 
"  kittens."  Oh  dear,  how  nice  it  is  to  have  our  dear  old  Ernest  with 
us  again.  (Laughing — in  o  drowsy  voice.}  I  can't  think — why  you 
two— don't  make  up  your  minds.  (Eyes  closed.) 

(VIRGINIA  is  now  above  chair  and  puts  her  hand  on  his  shoulder.) 

VIRGINIA  (reprovingly).    Mind — not  minda — my  mind. 
MR.  BULLIVANT  (half  asleep).    Well,  why  don't  you  make  up  your 
mind.    (He  fatts  asleep  and  wheezes  three  times.) 

(VIRGINIA  gives  the  old  man  a  look  to  see  if  he  is  asleep  and 
then  she  joins  JARVIS  c.) 

JARVIS  (softly).    Why  don't  you? 
VIRGINIA.    What  1    Ernest ! 
JARVIS.    Yea. 

(Pause.) 

VIRGINIA.    Well — er — for  one  thing 

JARVIS.    You  don't — er — care  enough  ! 

VIRGINIA  (pauses  and  looks  around).    I  like  him  awfully. 

JARVIS.    Poor  Ernest  1 

VIRGINIA.    To  be  liked  awfully  1 

JARVIS.    Yes. 

VIRGINIA  (crosses  to  sofa  and  sits).  He  doesn't  seem  to  mind. 
(Pauses  a  moment,  then  turns  to  him  playfully.)  Tell  me — if  you  were 
Ernest,  what  would  you  do  ? 

JARVIS  (crosses  B.  He  gives  MR.  BULLIVANT  a  look  to  see  if  he  is  still 
askep).  Well — er — I  should,  first  of  all,  give  Mr.  Liked- Awfully  the 
sack.  (Following  her  behind  sofa,  and  bending  over  on  L.  of  her.) 

VIRGINIA  (amused).    Well? 

,    JABVIS  (behind  sofa).    And  I  should  engage  the  services  of — er-T 
Mr.  Somebody  Else. 
1    VIRGINIA  (after  a  moment).    Love  ! 

JABVIS.    Wouldn't  you  1 
Like  ••  shot. 


A-»  LI  GRUMPY.  25 

(Pause.) 

JAAVTS  (dropping  down  B.  o/  for).    Dull  dog,  Mr.  Liked- Awfully. 

VLOGIN/A  (sZmcJt/).    And  Mr. ? 

JABVIS.    Love  ?     Oh,  he's  never  dull. 

(Pause.    VIRGINIA  rites  and  takes  a  step  L.) 

Ah!    That  makes  you  think,  doesn't  it! 

VIRGINIA  (slowly,  c.).  I  was  only  wondering — supposing  I  sacked 
Mr.  Liked- Awfully — what  I  should  feel  like  if  I  discovered  that,  after 
all,  he'd  really  been  the  right  man,  (After  a  moment  she  turns  to  him.) 
I  shall  miss  you,  you  know. 

JAR  vis  (B.C.).    Then  we  shall  miss  each  other. 

VIRGINIA.  You  have  only  been  here  four  days.  Do  you  realiie 
that! 

JARVIS.    Four  delightful  days. 

VIRGINIA.  And  to-morrow — a  few  hurried  miles  in  a  motor  full  of 
dusty  people — and  those  four  days — will  have  been  swallowed  up  in 
the  smoke  and  grime — of  London. 

JARVIS  (bending  to  her).    Why  should  they  be  1 

VIRGINIA  (cheerfully).  Because  everything  in  this  world  comes  to 
an  end,  and  the  nicer  it  is  the  sooner  the  end  I 

(RUDDOCK,  Ms.  BULLIV ANT'S  valet,  enters  door  up  L.) 

Ah,  here's  Ruddock,  come  to  take   Grumpy   to   bed.    Bedtime, 
Ruddock  ? 
RUDDOCK.    Very  late,  Miss. 

(Goes  to  MR.  BULLIVANT — takes  out  watch,  compares  it  with  clock  on 
mantelpiece,  taps  MB.  BULLIV  ANT  on  shoulder  twice.  MB.  BULLI- 
VANT  does  not  wake.  He  then  slaps  him  on  the  back  of  B.  hand, 
which  is  on  arm  of  chair.  MB.  BULLIV  ANT  grunts  each  time  he  is 
slapped.) 

JARVIS.    Then  our  four  delightful  days  have  come  to  an  end. 
(VIRGINIA  and  JARVIS  go  up  to  window.) 

MR.  BULLIV  ANT  (slowly  waking  up).  Eh  ?  Ah  1  Ruddock,  that 
you  ?  Come  to  take  me  to  bed  ?  What  time  is  it  1 

RUDDOCK.    Nearly  twelve,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIV  ANT.  Oh,  Lord !  oh,  Lord  1  I  ought  not  to  be  up  so 
late. 

RUDDOCK.    No,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIV  ANT.    Everybody  else  gone  to  bed! 

RUDDOCK.    No,  sir,  Mr.  Jarvis  and  Miss  Virginia  are  here. 

MR.  BULLIV  ANT.  Eh  ?  Oh — (Very  wearily) — Ruddock,  what  wai 
it  I  wanted  to  see  you  about  ?  Something  very  important. 

RUDDOCK  (persuasively).    In  the  morning,  sir. 


28  GRUMPY.  (An  L 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  No,  not  in  the  morning — now  1  Something  1 
wanted  to  tell  you  now  I  Help  me  on  to  my  feet-«— — 

(RUDDOCK  assists  him  to  rite  from  chair.) 

I  may  be  able  to  think  of  it.    Straighten  me  out.    Shove  me  in  the 
back. 

(RUDDOCK  does  so,  and  then  pats  him  on  the  shoulder.} 

No,  don't  pat  me.    What  the  devil  are  you  patting  me  for  !    Jinny  I 
Where's  my  Jinny  ? 

(MB.  BULLIVANT  and  RUDDOCK  go  up,  RUDDOCK  on   Aw  L,  tide. 
RUDDOCK  opens  door  L.) 

My  love,  what  was  it  I  wanted  to  tell  old   Ruddock  f 

VIRGINIA.     I  don't  know.     Take  you  to  bed,  I  should  think. 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (on  L.  of  VIRGINIA,  RUDDOCK  on  his  L.).  No,  no, 
it  was  something  very  important — very (Yawns.) 

VIRGINIA.    You're  dead  tired.    Go  to  bed,  darling. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Yes,  I  am  rather  tired.    Good  night,  Mr.  Jarvis. 

JARVIS.    Good  night,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  I  never  like  saying  good  night.  One  more  day 
gone.  I  oughtn't  to  be  up  BO  late,  ought  I,  Ruddock  ? 

RUDDOCK.    No,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Oh  no.  Early  to  bed — and  early  to  rise — makes 
a  man  healthy — wealthy  and 

(RUDDOCK  gives  arm.) 

(Suddenly  and  joyfully.)    Oh,  Ruddock,  I  know,  I  know  what  I 

wanted  to  tell  Ruddock.    The  chimney — chimney  in  my  room  in 

smoking. 

RUDDOCK.    Indeed,  sir  t    It's  been  swept  lately 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Well,  it  must  have  been  a  bird — bird  built  a 

nest.     I  wish  you'd  speak  about  it.    I  cannot  have  birds  building 

their  beastly  nests  in  my  chimney. 

(RUDDOCK    t's    leading   MR.   BULLIVANT.    By  this  time  they  are 

at  the  door.) 

(Stops.)  Waitl  Where's  Ernest? 
RUDDOCK.  Having  supper,  sir. 
MR.  BULLIVANT.  What,  still  ?  What  a  fellow  he  U  for  eating. 

(ERNEST  enters  R.) 

Aha — here  you  are !    Have  you  had  enough  to  eat  1 
ERNEST  (goes  up  c.  to  MR.  BULLIVANT).    Splendid,  dr. 
MR.  BULLIVANT.    That's  right.    Good  night  to  you.    (Shaking 

handt.)    So  glad  to  have  you  with  us  again.     Isn't  the  old  place 

looking  nice? 


Aon  L|  GRUMPY.  17 

ERNEST.    Lovely,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Did  you  see  the  rhododendrons,  eh ! 

ERNEST.     Rather  !     Aren't  they  ripping  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  No,  you  didn't ;  they're  not  in  bloom.  (General 
laugh.)  Caught  you  that  time.  I  must  try  that  on  the  curate. 
(Mysteriously.)  All  right,  eh  ?  (Tapping  his  waistcoat  pocket.) 

ERNEST.     Quite  all  right.    Don't  worry  about  that  1 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  No,  no,  no.  Good  night.  Good  night,  Mr. 
Jarvis. 

JARVIS.    Good  night,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    See  you  later,  Jinny  ? 

VIRGINIA  (blowing  a  kiss).    Yes,  darling. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  The  birds  oughtn't  to  do  it.  The  room  was  full 
of  smoke — (As  they  go  through  the  door)— you.  know — I  could  scarcely 
breathe. 

(Exeunt  MR.  BULLIVANT  and  RUDDOCK  L.) 
(ERNEST  closes  door  and  goes  to  fire-place.) 

JARVIS  (to  VIRGINIA).    Good  night. 

VIRGINIA.    Going  to  bed  ? 

JABVIS.  Yes.  I  have  a  few  letters  I  must  get  through.  (Crossing 
to  ERNEST  L.  shakes  hands.)  Good  night,  Mr.  Heron. 

ERNEST.    Good  night. 

JARVIS.    I  may  not  see  you  in  the  morning. 

ERNEST.    No ;   I  shall  be  off  early. 

JARVIS.    It's  good-bye,  then. 

ERNEST.  I  suppose  it  is.  I  look  forward  to  seeing  more  of  you 
the  next  time  we  meet,  Mr.  Jarvis. 

JARVIS  (crosses  R.).  Thank  you.  Good-bye.  (At  door.)  Good 
night,  Miss  Bullivant. 

VIRGINIA.    Good  night. 

(Exit  JARVIS   R.      VIRGINIA  watches  him;    then  turns  and  sees 
ERNEST  watching  her  with  a  smile.) 

ERNEST.    Another  victim  ? 

VIRGINIA.    Don't  be  horrid,  Ernest.    (Above  B.  end  of  table.) 
ERNEST.    How  serious  is  it,  this  time  ? 
VIRGINIA.    He's  very  interesting. 

ERNEST.    When  are  you  going  to  settle  down  ?     (Sits  c.) 
VIRGINIA.    Settle  down  ? 
ERNEST.    And  marry  me? 

VIRGINIA  (softly).  Do  you  want  me  to— so  much  ?  (Front  of 
table.) 

ERNEST.    No. 

VIRGINIA  (amazed).    Thank  you. 
ERNEST.    Not  while  you're  larking  around. 
VIRGINIA  (B.  side  of  table).    Larking  around ! 


M  GRUMPY.  I  ACT  I. 

EiuniST.    With  others. 

VIRGINIA.  Yon  are  horrid,  Ernest.  (She  leans  on  B.  end  of  table.) 
Girls  are  very  unfairly  handicapped.  Men  do  as  they  like  before 
they  marry — girls  have  no  chance  of  really  knowing  anything  about 
men ;  then  when  rumpusses  happen  after  they're  married  the 
experienced  man  is  pitied  and  the  fool  of  a  girl  gets  the  blame. 

ERNEST.  All  that,  my  dear,  is  just  an  excuse  for  your  little 
flirtations — /  know  you.  (Smiling  at  her.) 

VIRGINIA  (sits  on  table  at  back—-faci'ng  ERNEST).  Oh  no,  it  isn't. 
If  the  old  saying  is  true  that  a  reformed  rake  makes  the  best  husband 
— and  I'm  not  at  all  sure  that  it  isn't — then  why  shouldn't  a  reformed 
flirt  make  the  best  wife.  (She  is  fiddling  with  pencil,  which  she  puts 
through  ERNEST'S  hair.)  I  am  handicapped—Grumpy  is  the  only 
man  I  know — I  really  know — but  he's  so  fond  of  me,  bless  him — I  can 
do  that  with  him.  (Indicates  twisting  round  her  little  finger.)  But 
there  isn't  a  young  man  in  the  world  like  Grumpy. 

ERNEST.  What  About  me  !  (He  takes  her  by  the  B.  wrist.  She 
tries  to  get  away.)  Don't  wriggle — you  can't  get  away.  I'm  rough 
on  you  sometimes,  I  admit 

VIRGINIA.  Tou  are.  (Takes  hand  away,  examines  wrist  and  rubs 
it.) 

ERNEST.    Part  o'  my  game. 

VIRGINIA.    Your  game  ?    (Rising  and  coming  down  c.) 

ERNEST.  Let  you  go  your  own  sweet  way.  One  of  these  days 
you'll  get  into  a  scrape,  then  you'll  come  howling  to  me. 

VIRGINIA  (laughing).    Oh  no,  I  shan't. 

ERNEST.    Yes,  you  will.    /  know  you.     (Laughing.) 

VIRGINIA.    You  do  say  the  most  horrible  things,  Ernest  1 

ERNEST.    Yes,  I  know. 

VIRGINIA.    Why  do  you ! 

ERNEST.    My  game. 

VIRGINIA.  What  do  you  mean  ?  Your  game (A  step  to 

him.) 

ERNEST.  Most  fellows  say  all  the  pretty  things  before  marriage 
ind  kick  up  the  devil  after.  Now,  /  kick  up  the  devil  first — and  get 
that  done  with 

VIRGINIA.  But,  supposing — mind,  I  only  say  supposing — the  girl 
didn't  do  anything  to  kick  up  the  devil  about  ? 

ERNEST.    Then  she  wouldn't  be  in  my  line. 

VIRGINIA  (laughs).    Then  there's  some  hope  for  me  f 

ERNEST.    There's  every  hope  for  you.    (Smiling.) 

VIRGINIA.    And  when  you'd  done  kicking  up  the  devil  I 

ERNEST  (rises  and  goes  to  her).    We  should  get  married. 

VIRGINIA.    And  then — you'd  say  the  pretty  things  ? 

ERNEST.    Yes — then  I  should  say  the  pretty  things* 

VIRGINIA  (softly).    I  believe  you  would. 

KSNEST.    One  of  these  days  you'll  know  it. 


Ac*  L)  GRUMPY.  S9 

VIRGINIA  (laughing  and  turning  to  Mm).  Oh  1  Ton  mean  to 
many  me  ? 

ERNEST.    'Course  I  do. 

VIRGINIA  (pauses).    Good  night,  Ernest.     (Move*  B.) 
ERNEST.    Good  night. 

(VrBGDTLA.   goes   to   door;  she   it  just   going   out  when  EBNEST 

calls  her  bacL) 

Oh,  Jinny! 

VIRGINIA.    Yei. 

EBNEST.    You're  going  to  see  Aunt  Sophie  to-morrow,  aren't  you  ! 

VIRGINIA.    Yes,  poor  dear.     (Laughing.)    She's  so  ill  again. 

ERNEST.    She  wouldn't  be  happy  if  she  couldn't  be  ill  occasionally. 

VIRGINIA  (copying  his  tone  in  the  earlier  part  of  the  scene).  Part  of 
her  game. 

ERNEST.    Her  game  ! 

VIRGINIA.    To  get  me. 

ERNEST  (laughing).    Well,  she's  got  us  both  this  time. 

VIRGINIA.    Both  ? 

ERNEST.  I  wired  to  the  old  lady  when  we  were  nearing  South- 
ampton, saying  I'd  come  and  dine  with  her  to-morrow  evening 

VIRGINIA.    She's  very  fond  of  you,  Ernest. 

ERNEST.  Yes.  She  always  was  a  bit  eccentric,  wasn't  she  ? 
Give  her  my  love,  and  tell  her  I  shall  be  sure  to  turn  up. 

VIRGINIA.  Yes,  you'd  better.  If  she  knows  you  are  in  England 
and  you  don't  turn  up  then  we  should  have  her  really  ill.  (Opening 
door.) 

ERNEST.    I  expect,  when  we're  married,  she'll 

VIRGINIA.  Oh,  she'll  be  very,  very  old  then,  won't  she !  Good 
night,  Ernest.  (Exits  R.) 

ERNEST  (smiling).    Fascinating  little  wretch  I 

(Goes  to  cabinet  and  takes  up  magazine,  and  sees  SUSAN  as  she  enters  B. 
KEBLE  is  seen  outside  the  window.) 

Tell  them  to  call  me  at  seven,  will  you  !     (Goes  and  tits  in  arm-chair 

L.) 

SUSAN.    Yes,  sir. 

(SusAN  goes  to  window  to  draw  the  curtains — sees  KEBLE — glances  at 
ERNEST,  and  finding  that  ERNEST  is  not  looking — waves  to  KEBLE 
to  go  away — then  draws  the  curtains.) 

You'd  see  better  with  the  lamp,  sir 

ERNEST.    Eh  ?     Oh,  thank  you. 

(SusAN  goet  to  tible  lamp  and  tries  to  switch  it  on.) 

SUSAN.    Oh,  it's  not  on,  sir — just  a  minute,    (Goes  to  switches  a.) 
KBNKOT.    You  can  turn  the  other  lights  out.  Susan, 


80  GRUMPY.  [Ao*  L 

SUSAH.    Very  good,  sir.    (Switches  off  the  other  lights.)    Nothing 
more  you  require,  sir  ? 
ERNEST.    No,  thank  you. 
SUSAN.    Thank  you,  sir — good  night,  sir.    (Goes  off  B.) 

(A  clock  in  the  room  strikes  twelve — then  in  a  distant  part  of  the  houte 
another  clock  strikes  twelve  in  a  deep  tone.) 

(MB.  BULLIVANT  mysteriously  enters  L.  tn  dressing-gown,  with  a 

candle.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Ernest. 

ERNEST.    Hallo,  sir.    What  on  earth (Rising., 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Hush,  Ernest — I'm  exceedingly  anxious 

ERNEST.    What  about,  sir  ? 

(MB.  BULLIVANT  closes  door  carefully.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    About  that  diamond. 

ERNEST.    Oh !    (Laughing.)    Don't  worry  about  that,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (irritably).  But  I  do  worry — don't  be  foolish, 
Ernest.  I've  an  idea — I  can't  imagine  why  I  didn't  think  of  it 
before.  (He  goes  to  the  safe.)  Now,  my  boy,  give  me  the  diamond. 

ERNEST.    Eh — what  for,  sir  ?     (Crosses  to  B.  of  lamp.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    We'll  lock  it  securely  in  the  safe. 

EBNEST  (gravely  shaking  his  head).    No,  thank  you,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Now,  my  dear  boy,  permit  me  to  be  the  best 
judge  of  this.  In  this  safe  the  diamond  is  secure — in  your  pocket 

ERNEST.  And  supposing  there  should  be,  by  any  chance,  some- 
body after  this  stone,  where  do  you  imagine  they'd  look  for  it  t 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    In  your  pocket. 

ERNEST.    In  my  waistcoat  pocket — or  in  your  safe  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    In  your  pocket. 

ERNEST.  No,  sir.  The  diamond  has  been  in  my  waistcoat  pocket 
«ince  it  was  placed  in  my  care,  and  it  remains  in  my  waistcoat  pocket 
antil  I  reach  the  office  to-morrow  morning. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  All  right.  You're  an  obstinate  fellow,  Ernest ! 
Very  obstinate  indeed.  (Going.)  I  don't  believe  you've  got  the 
iainn  thing  at  all. 

(ERNEST  laughs.) 

Well,  come  on,  let's  have  a  look  at  it.    I've  never  seen  one  of  'em 

m  the  rough  state. 

(ERNEST  shows  him  the  diamond.) 

Is  that  it  1  Oh,  what  a  disappointment.  I  don't  think  much  of 
that.  Oh,  my  boy,  you've  been  done  in  the  eye.  Looks  like  * 
lump  of  soda — I've  seen  lots  like  this  on  Brighton  beach. 

EBNEST.  Well  there's  the  diamond,  sir;  now  you  go  to  bed 
*nd  don't  you  worry- 


ACT  Li  GRUMPY.  VI 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  No,  I  shan't  now.  Oh  no.  (Going.)  I  sup- 
pose, after  all,  there  isn't  much  risk  in  my  house,  eh  ?  But  I  got 
anxious,  you  know.  Ah  well,  good  night  I 

ERNEST.    You'd  better  go  up  quietly  or  Ruddock  will  catch  you. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (o  little  anxious).  Eh  ?  Oh,  don't  say  that — 
he'd  give  me  a  devil  of  a  talking  to — oh  no.  (Then  chuckling  and 
speaking  in  a  whisper.)  He's  gone  to  bed — everybody's  gone  to  bed. 
Will  you  have  some  whisky  or  brandy  ?  (At  door.) 

ERNEST.    No,  thank  you,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Ah,  that's  right,  I'm  glad  to  hear  you  say  that. 
Never  touch  alcohol  myself,  never  have,  never  shall.  Oh,  my  lord, 
these  stairs (Opens  door.) 

ERNEST.    Shall  I 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Oh  no,  that's  all  right,  see  you  in  the  morning ; 
breakfast  at  eight,  needn't  come  down  to  prayers  unless  you  want  to. 
Good  night,  Ernest  1  (Goes  off  L.) 

(ERNEST  goes  to  fire-place,  throws  cigar  away,  then,  after  a  glance  at 
the  door  and  the  window,  he  carefully  takes  a  small  leather  parcel 
from  his  waistcoat  pocket,  opens  it,  and  takes  out  a  very  large  dia- 
mond. For  a  moment  he  looks  at  it — sits,  his  body  turned  towards 
up  c.,  by  the  lamp — the  room  being  only  lighted  by  the  one  lamp — 
gives  a  cough,  which  is  the  cue  for  KEBLE  to  look  through  window. 
The  moonlight  is  suggested  through  the  casement  curtains.  As 
ERNEST  is  looking  at  the  diamond  a  shadow  comes  on  the  curtains 
— he  notices  this,  and  carefully  replaces  the  diamond  in  his  waistcoat 
pocket.  For  a  moment  he  sits  absolutely  still;  then  he  crosses  to 
door,  R.,  quickly,  switches  on  all  the  lights — and  quickly  goes  to  the 
window  and  draws  the  curtains — opens  the  window  and  looks  out, 
but  finds  no  one.  He  comes  in  again,  shuts  window  and  draws 
curtains  ;  as  he  is  drawing  second  curtain  the  door,  R.,  now  slowly 
opens,  and  an  arm  appears,  the  hand  feels  for  the  electric  switch 
and  turns  one  off — ERNEST  turns  at  this  and  sees  the  arm.) 

ERNEST  (addressing  the  arm).    Who's  there  t 

(Quickly  the  hand  turns  off  the  remaining  lights,  and  the  stage  is  dark. 
Nothing  is  seen  except  perhaps  two  very  indistinct  forms.  There 
are  one  or  two  muffled  exclamations,  a  stifled  cry— furniture  upset — 
a  crash  of  fire-irons — a  thud — a  groan  from  ERNEST  and  then  silence.) 

(The  CURTAIN  falls.) 

For  PICTURE  :  Red  Lime  on  ERNEST'S  face  by  fire-place  as  he  layt 
stretched  on  the  floor. 

This  ACT  plays  32  minutes. 


ACTH 

Sen**. — The  same  room  a*  at  the  end  of  ACT  I.    In  great 
RUDDOCK  w  up  c.,  and  MERRIDEW  w  standing  holding  R.  door  op«*. 

RUDDOCK.    No,  no.    No  one  to  be  admitted  without  Mi.  Bulli- 
vant's  permission.    Doctor  Maclaren  there  ! 
MERRIDEW.    Yea,  Mr.  Ruddock. 
RUDDOCK.    Mr.  Bullivant  will  see  him  first. 
MERRIDBW.    Right,  I'll  tell  him.    (Exit*  R.) 

(RUDDOCK  goes  to  door,  L.,  and  meets  MR.  BULLIVANT.) 
(MR.  BULLIVANT  enter s,  assisted  &y  VIRGINIA,  and  goes  B.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Why  didn't  you  come  before  ?  Expect  me  to 
come  downstairs  with  only  Miss  Virginia  to  help  me  ! 

RUDDOCK.    Sony,  sir,  been  very  busy  all  night,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (R.).  Busy  be  hanged  1  Well,  what  have  you 
done  I  Did  you  send  for  the  police  ! 

(VIRGINIA  looks  out  of  window.) 

RUDDOCK  (L.C.).    No,  I'm  sorry  to  say  I  didn't,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Sorry  1  I'm  very  glad  you  didn't.  That's  the 
only  sensible  thing  you've  done  for  the  last  three  months. 

RUDDOCK.  Everything  is  left  just  as  we  found  it — nothing  has 
been  touched. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Now  mind,  nobody  to  know  anything  about  this 
business  until  I  give  permission,  you  darling. 

RUDDOCK.    Very  good,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (who  has  crossed  to  fire-place).  Don't  be  a  fool, 
Ruddock,  I'm  not  calling  you  darling.  Here,  did  you  say  t  (Point- 
ing to  fire-place.) 

RUDDOCK.  Yes,  sir — just  there.  (Who  is  on  B.  of  him,  jtut 
between  the  two  tables.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (after  a  moment).    What  was  the  position  exactly  I 

RUDDOCK.    Hi*  head  was  against  the  fender.    (Goes  down  L.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Happened  at  midnight,  and  I'm  not  informed 
until  this  morning.  Tsch  1  Tsch  i  That's  all  I  can  say  now — 
tech  1  An  old  servant  like — why,  you  were  here  in  Aunt  Matilda's 
(Goes  to  table  and  fits  c.) 

n 


ACT  ILJ  GRTJMFT  W 

VIRGINIA.    Grumpy  t     (Eos  moved  to  H.  of  chair  above  table.) 
(No  reply.) 

Grumpy  f 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    What  is  it  1    What  is  it,  my  love  t 
VIRGINIA  (slowly).    You  don't  think  Ernest  is  in  any — danger, 

do  you  ? 
MB.  BULLIVANT.    Of  course  he's  in  danger — very  grave  danger 

(VIRGINIA  turns  away  and  sobs  softly.) 

Eh  t  Tears — again  ?  This  is  the  second  time  I've  seen  tears  this 
morning,  and  not  yet  eight  o'clock.  Not  like  my  Virginia  I 

VIRGINIA.  I'm  sorry — I  am  so  anxious.  (Fetches  a  cushion  from 
settee  R.,  and  comes  back  with  it  below  settee — is  placing  it  behind  the 
old  man.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    I  don't  want  a  cushion. 

VIRGINIA.  Of  course  you  do  1  You'll  be  much  more  comfort- 
able. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Oh  no,  I  shall  not  be  more  comfortable. 

VIRGINIA.    Yes,  you  will. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.     No,  I  shall  not  be  more  comfortable. 

VIRGINIA.    You  will  be  much  more  comfortable. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.     Oh  well,  perhaps  I  shall  be — perhaps  I  shall 

(MERRIDEW  enters  with  some  coffee  and  a  baked  apple  on ,-;  plate — he 
places  these  on  the  table  C.) 

Here  you  are.  Late  as  usual.  (Bus. :  With  tray — placing  it  R.  end 
of  table.) 

VIRGINIA.  Let's  see — you've  got  your  coffee  and  your  apple. 
Now,  what  else  can  I  do  ?  (Grosses  to  L.  of  MR.  BULLIVANT.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Nothing  else,  thank  you — nothing  else  !  Run 
away,  my  love.  I've  something  serious  to  attend  to.  I  don't  like 
the  look  of  the  apple  at  all,  Ruddock.  And  I  was  allowed  to  sleep 
on  !  The  moment  the  discovery  was  made,  I  should  have  been 
informed. 

VIRGINIA.    Cushion  all  right  ?    (On  L.  of  MR.  BULLIVANT.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Quite  all  right.  Now,  my  dear,  you'd  better 
prepare  for  your  journey  to  London. 

VIRGINIA.    Oh,  I  don't  thiixk  I  can  go  now. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Of  course  you'll  go.  Not  nice  to  be  here.  The 
house  in  its  present  condition — besides,  I  wish  you  to  go. 

VIRGINIA.    I  don't  want  to  leave  Ernest. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  My  darling  child,  Dr.  Maclaren  won't  allow  you 
or  anyone  else  to  see  Ernest.  Besides,  there's  your  aunt — Ernest 
promised  to  dine  with  her  to-day  at  her  house  in  Chesham  Place, 
and  if  you  don't  go,  and  if  no  one  turns  up  to  explain,  I  shudder 

C 


M  GRUMPY.  [Ao*  EL 

Co  think  of  the  consequences.  She,  poor  dear,  ill  with  neuritis  since 
Easter — besides,  I'm  quite  sure  Ernest  would  wish  you  to  go. 

VIRGINIA  (looks  at  him  a  moment  seriously,  then  says  to  RUDDOCK, 
without  talcing  her  eyes  off  the  old  man).  Do  you  think  I  ought  to  go, 
Ruddock  1 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (irritably).  What  the  devil's  it  got  to  do  with 
Ruddock  f  There,  run  away — run  away !  (Then  suddenly  nice 
again.)  Be  sure  you  wrap  up  well,  and  be  sure  you  come  in  to  say 
good-bye.  (Bus.  :  Kisses  both  her  hands.) 

VIRGINIA.    Of  course  I  shall  t    Quite  comfortable ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Yes,  quite. 

VIRGINIA.    Cushion  all  right! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Yes,  quite — quite— quite. 

(VIRGINIA  hesitates  a  moment,  then  goes  up,  stops  at  door,  then  comes 
quickly  back  and  throws  her  arms  around  GRUMPT'B  neck  and  kisses 
him.) 

What  is  it  now  ?  (As  she  kisses  him.)  My  little  darling,  you 
came  back  to  say  good-bye.  You  didn't  think  I  was  angry  about 
the  cushion  ? 

VIRGINIA.    No.    (She  shakes  her  head.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    You  understand  me,  don't  you  ? 

VIRGINIA  (at  door).    Course  I  do.    (Exits.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (to  RUDDOCK).  Course  you  do.  She  understands 
me,  Ruddock.  Doesn't  she  ? 

RUDDOCK.    Course  she  does,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    What  did  you  say! 

RUDDOCK.    Course  she  does,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (imitating  him).  Course  she  does.  Course  she 
does.  Ruddock,  hand  me  that  box.  (Fidgets  in  his  chair  with  the 
cushion.) 

(  RUDDOCK  hands  him  a  small  box,  which  he  carefully  places  in  front 
of  him  on  the  table.) 

Just  take  that  cushion  away  and — 

(RUDDOCK  removes  cushion.) 

— hide  it  somewhere,  in  case  the  dear  child  comes  back.  (Points  to 
underneath  sofa.) 

(RuDDOCK  places  cushion  out  of  the  way  under  settee.) 

(Dropping  spoon).  Oh  dear,  oh  dear,  this  spoon  is  all  over  apple. 
Well,  don't  stand  staring  there.  Haven't  you  got  a  napkin  01 
something  ? 

(RUDDOCK  dries  it  on  handkerchief.) 
*  Tries  to  stop  him.)    No,  not  on  your  dirty  pocket-handkerchief. 


ACT  IL]  GRUMPY.  M 

(RUDDOCK  wipe*  spoon.) 

KUDDOCK.     It's  quite  clean,  sir.    (Holding  pocket-handkerchief.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Well,  it  don't  look  clean — nasty,  dirty,  grubby- 
looking  thing.  Oh,  I  see,  it's  a  coloured  one.  Now  I  want  to  see 

Dr. — Dr. What  the  devil  do  you  want  to  put  pips  in  the 

apple  for.  (Bus. :  Supposed  to  have  a  pip  in  his  mouth  which  he 
removes.)  I  want  to  speak  to  Dr.  Thingamygum,  Dr. 

RUDDOCK.    Maclaren  you  mean,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Yes — Dr.  Maclaren  ! 

(RUDDOCK  yoe*  to  door  ».,  and  catts  DR.  MACLAREN  ;  CM  he  turnt  back 
MB.  BULLIVANT  says.) 

This  coffee  is  much  too  hot.  What  an  amazing  thing  it  ia,  I  can 
never  get  a  decent  cup  of  cofiee  in  my  own  house.  I  never  met  such 

a  lot  of  diddering (DB.  MACLABEN  enters  B.,  and  comes  to  below 

settee.  Sees  DB.  MACLABEN — manner  changes.)  Ah,  Doctor,  I  wanted 
to  see  you,  a  little  point  I  want  to  make  sure  about — the  wound  on 
Mr.  Heron's  head — could  it  have  been  caused  by  a  fall !  The  head 
striking ? 

DB.  MACLARBN.    Most  unlikely.    He  was  attacked. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    From  behind  ? 

DB.  MACLABEN.  No — from  the  front — the  bruise  is  here.  (Touches 
forehead  with  L.  hand.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Bruise !  It  was  a  bruise !  (To  RUDDOCK.) 
Why  the  devil  didn't  you  say  it  was  a  bruise  t  , 

DB.  MACLABEN.  Yes ;  he  was  stunned,  you  see.  I  incline  to  the 
opinion  that  some  yielding  weapon  was  used — such  as  a  sandbag. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Sandbag  ?  That  scarcely  sounds  like  a  burglar. 
How  is  the  patient  ? 

DB.  MACLABEN.  Well,  now,  he  has  a  wonderful  constitution — great 
hopes — great  hopes.  He 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Still  quite  unconscious,  I  fear  ?     (Coughs.) 

DB.  MACLABEN.  Yes  ;  but  he  may  come  round  at  any  moment. 
When  he  does  it's  absolute  quiet — nobody  must  see  him. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Ah  1  Now,  would  you  tell  Miss  Virginia  that. 
(Coughs.) 

DB.  MACLABEN.    She's  going  to  London,  isn't  she ! 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Yes. 

DB.  MACLABEN.    Ah,  that's  good — good 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Yes,  it  is  good.  She's  anrious.  (Coughs.) 
Still  got  it,  you  see.  Your  medicine's  no  damn  good.  If  you  can 
tell  her  there's  no  danger — pray  do  so. 

DB.  MACLABEN.    Yes,  I  will.    Nothing  more,  sir  I 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    At  present — no. 

DB.  MACLABEN.    Then  I'll  run  upstairs  again. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Yes,  please. 


16  GRUMPY.  [Aor  n. 

DR.  MACLAREW.  It's  a  curious  thing  nothing  appears  to  have 
been  stolen.  (Goes  to  door  K.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Get  rid  of  him,  Ruddock.    He's  inclined  to  talk. 

DR.  MACLAREN  (coming  back).  I  Bay,  it's  a  curious  thing  that 
nothing  appears  to  have  been  stolen. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Oh  yes — very. 

DR.  MACLAREN.    Yes,  it's  very  curious. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Yea,  I  said  it  was  curious.  (Be  signals  RUDDOCK 
to  get  DR.  MACLAKEN  away.) 

RUDDOCK.    Nothing  else  you  wish  to  ask  the  doctor,  sir  ! 

MR.  BuLLivAirr.    No — nothing,  thank  you. 

DR.  MACLAREN.  Oh,  very  well.  I'll  get  along  upstairs.  (Is 
going,  but  stops  at  door.)  Oh,  by  the  way 

MR.  BULLTVANT  (muttering).    Oh,  my  lord,  here  he  is  back  again 

DR.  MACLAREN  (coming  back).  If  you  could  just  spare  me  a  few 
minutes  I  should  like  to  tell  you  of  a  case  I  had — a  dear  old  lady — a 
Mrs.  Wagstafi. 

RUDDOCK.    Nothing  more  you  wish  to  ask  the  doctor,  sir  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Nothing  more.  I  wish  to  ask  the  doctor 
nothing  more. 

DR.  MACLAREN  (going).  Then  I'll  run  upstairs.  (Pauses  at 
door — bus.:  and  off.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  What  a  dreadful  man !  Got  such  a  habit  ol 
going  to  the  door  and  then  coming  back  again.  (The  old  man  is 
lost  in  thought — he  takes  the  camelia  from  the  box.)  This  camelia, 
found  in  Mr.  Heron's  hand,  puzzles  me.  Where  did  he  get  this 
camelia  from  ?  (Wheezes.)  And  why  should  he  be  holding  it  in 
his  hand?  (Wheezes.)  Could  he  have  been  trying  to  prevent 
somebody  getting  it?  (Wheezes.)  Who  would  want  it?  Some- 
body jealous  of  his  having  it — but  who — and  because  of  whom. 

(He  commences  to  eat  again.) 

RUDDOCK.  Might  it  have  got  there  by  accident,  sir  ?  (On  L 
of  table  and  above.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (rises t  down  and  round  table  to  L.).  Don't  ask 
ridiculous  questions.  How  could  it  get  there  by  accident  ?  You 
might  as  well  ask  if  it  sprouted  there.  I  wonder  if  he  had  it  in  his 
coat  when  he  arrived — or  could  he  have  snatched  it  from  somebody 
else's  coat — the  ruffian  who  evidently  had  a  struggle  with  him  here  ? 
(By  fire.) 

RUDDOCK  (R.).  Yes,  sir,  but  would  a  burglar  be  wearing  a  camelia, 
sir? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  I  didn't  say  it  was  a  burglar — but  if  it  was  he 
might  have  been  wearing  a  camelia — (Crosses  up  to  back  of  table) — 
or  he  might  have  been  wearing  a  nasturtium — or  he  might  have  been 
wearing  nothing  at  all.  In  falling,  of  course,  he  might  easily  have 
grasped  at  something,  but  what  could  he (At  table — his  eyefattt 


ACT  EL J  GRUMPY.  17 

I 

on  the  camelia  plant.  He  goes  to  it  and  counts  the  blossoms.)  Ah  I 
Here  !  Here  !  One,  two,  three,  four — there  were  five  blooms  last 
night,  Ruddock  1  And  one  of  them  freshly  broken  of!  1 

RUDDOCK  (goes  up  R.  of  plant  and  looks  at  it).  Yes,  sir ;  but  if  Mr. 
Ernest  had  clutched  at  it  in  falling  wouldn't  he  have  pulled  it  over  ? 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Oh  no.  The  stand  is  quite  firm.  Ruddock,  in 
all  probability  that  flower  came  from  here ;  in  which  case  we  are 
— where  we  were.  Who  saw  Mr.  Heron  when  he  first  arrived  last 
night  1  (Comes  back  to  table  and  sits.) 

RUDDOCK.    Miss  Virginia's  maid,  sir — Susan. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Master  Ernest  is  rather  fond  of  the  fair  sex — a 
buttonhole  suggests  the  fair  sez.  Is  it  possible  he  has  been  in  any 
scrape  ?  Is  it  possible  this  was  some  form  of  revenge  ?  I  wonder 
if  he  had  this  flower  when  he  arrived  ?  Your  suggestion  that  the 
camelia  came  from  that  plant  may  be  all  wrong,  in  which  case 

RUDDOCK.    Well,  it's  just  possible,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Then  why  the  devil  did  you  suggest  it  ?  Send 
the  maid  Susan  to  me. 

RUDDOCK.  Susan.  (Goes  up  to  door  L.,  and  calls  off.)  Susan 
Medley  1 

(Ms.  BULLIVANT  abstractedly  resumes  his  baked  apple.    SUSAN  enter* 
L.  and  comes  nervously  down  L.  of  table.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Is  she  there  ? 

RUDDOCK.    She's  here,  sir.    (Coming  down  B.  of  table.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    I  said  is  she  there  I 

RUDDOCK.    She's  here,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  What  the  devil  do  you  mean  by  saving  she's 
here  when  I  ask  if  she's  there  I  Such  a  silly  thing  to  do — idiotic ! 
You  want  to  quarrel  with  me,  don't  you  ?  Want  to  have  a  row  t 

I've  noticed  once  or  twice (Turning  and  seeing  SUSAN.)  Ah, 

there  you  are !  Ah  1  Now  will  you  be  good  enough  to  listen  to 
me,  and  bring  your  mind,  so  far  as  is  possible,  on  what  I  have  to  say. 

SUSAN.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (to  RUDDOCK).  Shut  the  window,  please,  and 
bring  my  shawl — there's  a  draught. 

(RUDDOCK  does  so.) 

I  understand  that  you  were  the  first  to  see  Mr.  Heron  when  he 
arrived  last  evening  ?  (To  SUSAN.) 

SUSAN.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Very  good.  Did  you  have  any  conversation 
with  him  ? 

SUSAN.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Did  he  talk  to  you  ! 

SUSAN.    Well,  sir — et (She  is  nervously  fingering  her  apron.) 


U  GRUMPY.  [Ao*  IL 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Please  don't  fidget  with  your  apron  ;  it  worries 
me  ;  it  upsets  me.  He  talked  to  you  1 

SUSAN.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (impatiently).    Well,  what  did  he  talk  about ! 

SUSAN.    Er — well — at  first,  sir 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  He  must  have  said  something!  Well,  welL 
Did  he  talk  about  the  weather  or  what  ? 

SUSAN.    He  asked  first  of  all  who  was  here,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  There  you  are.  Why  didn't  you  say  so  before. 
Well,  what  then  ?  Did  he  ask  you  anything  else  ? 

(Pause.    SUSAN,  more  nervous  than  ever,  cannot  reply.) 

Please,  please — you're  a  very  poor  witness — she's  a  rotten  witness. 
Ruddock.    Did  he  ask  you  anything  else  ? 

SUSAN  (very  frightened}.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Well,  what  was  it  ?    What  was  it  1 

SUSAN.    He  asked  me  to  kiss  him,  sir. 

(RUDDOCK  laughs  suddenly.    MB.  BULLIVANT  turns  to  tee  what 
RUDDOCK  is  doing.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  What  the  devil's  the  matter  with  you ;  aren't 
you — well  ?  (Bus.:  Of  looking  at  RUDDOCK  and  finding  him  laugh- 
ing, then  he  turns  and  contemplates  SUSAN.)  Oh,  he  asked  you  to 
kiss  him  ?  And,  did  you  comply  with  his  request  ? 

SUSAN  (very  nervous).    Did  I—did  I  what,  sir  ? 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (exasperated).    Did  you  kiss  him  I 

SUSAN  (very  frigfaened).    No,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Oh,  you  didn't  kiss  him !  Well  then,  what 
happened  ?  I  suppose  he  kissed  you  ? 

SUSAN.    No,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Oh,  he  didn't  kiss  you.    What  did  he  do  then  1 

SUSAN  (very  nervously).    He  told  me  I  was  a  very  pretty  girl,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    And  what  did  you  say  to  that  ? 

SUSAN.     I  said,  "  Oh,  go  on,  Mr.  Ernest !  " 

(RUDDOCK  laughs  silently.    MB.  BULLIVANT  turns  and  sect  him— 
bangs  table.    RUDDOCK  controls  himself.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    "  Go  on  "  calling  you  a  pretty  girl  ? 

SUSAN.    No,  sir ;    I  meant  him  to  stop. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    You  meant  him  to  what! 

SUSAN.    I  meant  him  to  stop,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  You  meant  him  to  stop  and  you  said  "  Go  on  !  " 
He  called  you  a  pretty  girl  and  wanted  to  kiss  you ;  he  didn't,  and 
you  wouldn't,  and  it's  all  very  extraordinary. 

(During  this  RUDDOCK  has  to  turn  away  con,vulsed  with  suppressed 
1     laughter.    Mr.  BULLIVANT  again  catches  him.    Same  business  at 
before.) 


ACT  II.]  GRUMPY.  19 

SUSAN.  I  hope  you  won't  forget,  sir — Mr.  Ernest  has  known  me 
since  I  was  a  child. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Yes,  I  gathered  that  the  acquaintance  had  been 
of  some  duration. 

(SusAN  again  fidgets  with  her  apron.) 

You've  got  a  very  bad  habit  of  fidgeting  with  your  apron.  You  fidget 
with  your  apron,  fidget  with  your  skirt,  you'll  fidget  with  your  boots 
next  I  imagine.  You  should  really  endeavour  to  break  yourself  of 
those  habits.  Tell  me — when  Mr.  Ernest  arrived,  was  he  wearing 
any  kind  of  posy  ? 

SUSAN.    No,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Not  a  camelia  f  (Looking  at  RUDDOCK  and 
eating  his  apple.) 

SUSAN.    No,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    You're  sure  of  that  1 

SUSAN.     Quite  sure,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    What  makes  you  so  sure  of  that  ? 

SUSAN.    Because  he  picked  the  flower  after. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Oh,  he  plucked  the  flower  after  I  Ah — was  it 
4  camelia  ?  (Turning  to  SUSAN.) 

SUSAN.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Ah — um !  (Picking  up  camelia.)  You  know 
this  camelia  was  found  clenched  in  Mr.  Ernest's  hand  this  morning. 
(Puts  canielia  on  L.  end  of  table.) 

SUSAN  (with  a  glance  at  the  camelia  tree  up  L.C.).  Yes,  sir.  (1$ 
very  interested  in  the  camelia,  and  gets  nearer  and  nearer  to  it — ner- 
vously.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (has  turned  away  from  her,  and  is  speaking  to 
RUDDOCK).  Ah  !  He  took  the  flower  himself.  Ah — um — I  hoped 
this  flower  might  have  led  us  somewhere.  Disappointing — dis- 
appointing !  (Suddenly  he  catches  SUSAN  about  to  touch  the  camelia, 
and  he  is  most  indignant.)  What  are  you  doing  ?  You've  no  right 
to  touch  that  flower.  You  must  be  clutching  at  something !  II 
it  isn't  your  apron — 

(SusAN — who  has  again  been  fidgeting  with  her  apron — drops  it  in 

disgust.) 

—it's  the  camelia — and  if  it  isn't  the  camelia,  it's  something  else. 
You  must  really  try  and  break  yourself  of  these  habits.  You 

must Hallo  !    Hallo  1    What's  the  matter  ?     What  are  you 

sniffing  like  that  for  ? 

(SusAN  is  a  little  upset — almost  inclined  to  cry.) 
What  is  it  ?     Have  you  got  a  cold  ?     Whv  don't  you  use  yout 


40  GRUMPY.  [ACT  DL 

pocket-handkerchief  !  Why  don't  you  blow  your  nose  ?  What 
is  it  !  What  is  it  ?  (Banging  tabk.) 

RUDDOCK  (gently — remonstrating).  Pardon  me,  sir — a  little- 
unkind,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Unkind  I    Unkind! 

RUDDOCK.    She's  crying,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  What!  Crying!  God  bless  my  soul!  Oh, 
everybody's  crying  this  morning !  Unkind !  I  wasn't  unkind. 
Was  I  unkind  ?  Was  I  unkind  ?  Here,  here  I  Here,  here's  half  a 
sovereign.  (Giving  a  coin,  which  he  takes  from  waistcoat  pocket.) 
Buy  a  bit  o*  ribbon — or  a  nice  hat — you  can  buy  a  hat  for  seven  and 
six,  can't  you  !  Unkind !  I  wasn't  unkind !  (Turning  to  RUDDOCK.) 
What  the  devil  do  you  mean  by  saying  I  was  unkind  ?  Now 
be  good  enough  to  tell  me — what  did  you  want  this  flower  for  I 

SUSAN.    Well,  I — I  wanted  to  look  at  it. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Well,  I  didn't  think  you  wanted  to  eat  it. 
Why  did  you  wish  to  look  at  it  ? 

SUSAN.  Because  I  wasn't  sure  it  was  the  one  Mr.  Ernest  wore 
last  night. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (regards  her  very  attentively — then  looks  at  RUD- 
DOCK). What  makes  you  think  that  ?  (Eats.) 

SUSAN  (hesitating).    Might  I  just  see  it  a  moment,  sir  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Of  course,  of  course — if  you've  any  sound 
reason.  (Eyeglass  here.) 

(SUSAN  takes  camelia  and  looks  at  it.) 

SUSAN  (firmly).    No,  sir ;   this  is  not  Mr.  Ernest's. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (again  he  looks  at  RUDDOCK).  What  makes  you 
think  that  ? 

SUSAN.    I  don't  think  it,  sir — I  know  it. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Oh,  but  come,  come !  Oamelias  are  all  very 
much  alike.  How  do  you  know  it? 

SUSAN.  Because  the  one  Mr.  Ernest  wore  had  a  hair  tied  round 
the  stem. 

(MR.  BULLIVANT,  eating  apple,  turns  round — choking  bus.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  A  hair  tied  round  the — you're  sure  of  that! 
(Turning  to  SUSAN  in  astonishment.) 

SUSAN.    Quite  sure,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    What  makes  you  so  sure  t 

SUSAN.     I  tied  the  hair  on  it  myself. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  What  a  silly  thing  to  do.  Why  didn't  you 
use  cotton  or  wire  ? 

SUSAN.    There  wasn't  any  in  the  room,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Rather  clever  of  Mr.  Ernest. 

SUSAN.    Mr.  Ernest  didn't  think  of  it,  sir. 

KB.  BULLIVANT.    Oh,  it  was  your  idea,  was  itt 


ACT  IL]  GRUMPY.  41 

SUSAN.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    What  made  you  think  of  it  ? 

(SusAN  turns  away  and  hangs  her  head  embarrassed.) 

Now,  don't  look  away — look  at  me.    What  made  you  think  of  it  I 

SUSAN.    I  thought  it  would  make  Mr.  Keble  jealous. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Oh  !   Keble  was  there,  was  he  ! 

SUSAN.  Yes,  sir,  he  came  into  the  room  for  a  moment — to  look 
for  Mr.  Jarvis's  cap  to  pack. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  And  did  your  little  plan  succeed  in  making  the 
man  Keble  jealous  1 

SUSAN.    I — I  think  it  did,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    What  makes  you  think  so  I 

SUSAN.    He  made  such  an  awful  face ! 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Made  such  a  what ! 

SUSAN.    He  made  such  an  awful  face. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    I  didn't  like  his  face  before.    (To  RUDDOCK.) 

RUDDOCK.    No,  sir. 

MB.  BULLTVANT.    Nasty  face, 

RUDDOCK.    Very  nasty,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Nasty  sloppy  face. 

RUDDOCK.    Very  sloppy  indeed,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  I'm  surprised  at  your  having  anything  to  do  with 
a  sloppy- faced  man  !  (He  turns  away  from  SUSAN  towards  the  tablo 
and  looks  again  at  the  flower.)  But,  after  all,  hair  might  have  come 
off  the  camelia,  so  I  don't  see 

SUSAN.  I  don't  think  so,  sir.  There  was  a  sort  of  bud  on  the 
stem. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  What  do  you  mean  by  a  sort  of  a  bud ;  either 
it  was  a  bud  or  not  a  bud. 

SUSAN.     It  was  a  little  tiny  bud. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  It  was  a  little  tiny  bud :  sounds  like  Wordo- 
worth. 

SUSAN.  And  we  tied  the  hair  above  that,  and  Mr.  Ernest  laugn- 
ingly  said  it  would  stop  on  for  ever. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Show  me  exactly  what  you  did. 

SUSAN.    With  the  hair,  sir  ? 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Yes. 

SUSAN.    Will  you  hold  the  camelia,  sir  I 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Like  that  ?     (Holding  up  camelia.) 

SUSAN.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Or — like  that  ?    (Turning  it  round.) 

SUSAN.    That'll  do,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  I  don't  care  a  hang  which  way  I  hold  it  as  long 
as  you  say  which  way. 

SUSAN.    Just  as  you  are  holding  it  now. 

(SUSAN  pulls  out  a  hair  as  in  ACT  H 


42  GRUMPY.  [Acr  IL  < 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Oh,  I  heard  the  click.  Did  you  hear  the 
click,  Ruddock  ? 

RUDDOCK.    No,  sir.    I  never  heard  the  click. 
MB.  BULLIVANT.    Your  hearing's  not  what  it  was. 

(SusAN  begins  to  tie  up  the  camelia.) 

(Holding  the  flower.)    I  can  see  the  hair   with  my  naked  eye ! 
Come  here,  Ruddock  1     See  if  you  can  see  it. 

RUDDOCK.    No,  sir.    I  can't  see  it. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Your  sight  is  going,  too.  You're  cracking 
up,  my  boy. 

SUSAN.  There,  sir — it  was  just  like  that — and  that  won't  come 
off. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Wait  a  bit.  (Looks  through  glass — takes  tfa 
flower  and  examines  it  very  closely — he  tries  to  move  the  hair  in  vain.) 
You're  perfectly  right — it  won't  come  off.  It  won't  come  off 
(Looks  at  RUDDOCK  and  sniffs.)  I  think,  Susan,  you  may  go. 

(SusAN  is  going  up.) 

Wait,  Susan !    Was  that  the  last  you  saw  of  Mr.  Ernest  last  night  ? 

SUSAN.  No,  sir,  he  was  in  here  when  I  came  in  to  turn  out  the 
lights  before  going  to  bed. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Was  there  anyone  else  here  I 

SUSAN.    Not  in  the  room,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  What  do  you  mean  by  "  not  in  the  room  ?  " 
How  could  anyone  be  here  and  not  in  the  room ! 

SUSAN.    He  was  at  the  window,  Bir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (his  attention  arrested).  Oh — oh— outside  the 
window  ? 

SUSAN.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    What  was  he  doing  ! 

SUSAN.    Looking  in,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    What  at! 

SUSAN.    At  me,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    And  who  was  it! 

SUSAN.    Mr.  Keble,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  There  you  are.  (To  RUDDOCK.)  The  man 
with  the  face  looking  through  the  window.  All  this  is  most  repre- 
•  hensible.  You  will  be  good  enough  to  say  nothing  of  this  to  anyone. 

SUSAN.    No,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  It  is  most  important  that  you  should  say 
nothing. 

SUSAN.    I  hope  you  don't  think  I  would  say  anything,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  If  I  thought  you  would,  I  should  take  you  to 
your  room — I  should  lock  you  in — and  not  let  you  out  until  this 
(mystery  was  cleared  up. 

(SUSAN  if  going.) 


GRUMPY  AND   SUSAN 


ACT  H.]  GRUMPY.  43 

I  don't  at  all  approve  of  this  philandering  with  Mr.  Ernest — though 
I  blame  him  a  great  deal  more  than  I  blame  you.  Be  off  with  you. 

(SuSAN  goes  off  quickly.) 

(The  old  man  regards  her  attentively  as  she  goes  up  ;  when  she  is  gone 
he  says  to  RUDDOCK.)  I  never  noticed  before,  Ruddock,  what  a 
charming  figure  that  girl's  got. 

RUDDOCK.     What  do  you  think,  air  ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.     What  about  ? 

RUDDOCK.     What  do  you  think  of  what  she  has  told  you,  sir  1 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  The  hair  round  the  camelia  ?  If  Mr.  Ernest 
•hould  go  under,  that  hair  round  that  camelia  may  develop  into  a 
rope  round  somebody's  neck. 

RUDDOCK.     You  think  it's  as  bad  as  that,  sir  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  I  think  you  may  remove  the  hair  from  this 
camelia.  (Giving  RUDDOCK  flower.) 

(RUDDOCK  removes  the  hair.) 

Who  locked  up  last  night  ? 

RUDDOCK.     Merridew,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Send  him  to  me. 

RUDDOCK  (opens  door  and  calls).    Merridew ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (after  sipping  the  coffee).  Oh  dear  !  This  coffee  is 
absolutely  cold  I  Ruddock  1 1 

(RUDDOCK  goes  round  above  table  to  L.  of  MR.  BULLIVANT.) 
What  an  extraordinary  thing  it  is  1^ 

(MERRIDEW  enters  B.) 

— never  can  get  a  decent  cup  of  coffee  in  my  own  house.  I  nev«r 
saw  such  a  lot  of  diddering,  doddering  fools  !  (Noticing  MERRIDEW, 
who  is  standing  at  attention.)  Oh  ! — er — you  locked  up  last  night  ? 

MEBRIDEW.  Yes,  sir.  (Coughs — L.  hand  to  mouth.)  Everywhere 
but  here.  Susan  told  me  Mr.  Ernest — (Cough) — was  in  this  room 
when  I  went  to  bed.  (Coughs.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    What's  the  matter  ?     Got  a  cold  ? 

MERRIDEW.    No,  sir. 

MR.  BULLTVANT.  Then  please  don't  cough  over  my  apple.  You 
noticed  nothing  wrong  last  night  when  you  were  wandering  round 
in  your  peregrinations. 

MERRIDEW.     I  never  wear  them,  sir. 


(RUDDOCK  bursts  out  laughing.    MB.  BULLIVANT  joins  in.) 

STT  (rises).    Ah  1     We'll  have  a  look  a 
idow. 

(MERRIDEW  helps  the  old  mar,  up.) 


MR.  BULLIVANT  (rises).    Ah  1     We'll  have  a  look  at  the  footmark* 
outside  the  window. 


44  GRUMPY.  [Ao«  H. 

Don't  tickle  me.  (To  RUDDOCK.)  Put  that  camelia  carefully  away 
!n  that  box. 

(RUDDOCK  places  the  camelia  in  "box  on  L.  end  of  table,  and  foes 
off  L.  for  hat  and  coat.) 

(To  MERRIDEW.)    Is  it  cold  ? 

MERRIDEW.    Oh  no,  sir.  , 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (irritably).    Oh  no,  sir.     I  mean  outside.     How 

can  you  possibly  tell  in  here  if  it's  cold  outside  ?     I  never  met  such  a 

lot  of  diddering 

(MERRIDEW  hastily  goes  through  window.     RUDDOCK  has  fetched  a 

cloak  and  hat.) 

(Suddenly  swinging  round  on  RUDDOCK).  Shut  the  door — shu\ 
that  door  I  Draught  enough  to  blow  me  off  my  legs  I  (He  goes  up 
to  L.O.  To  MERRIDEW.)  Now,  is  it  cold  ? 

(MERRIDEW  re-enters.) 

MERRIDEW.    It  is  a  bit  chilly,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Of  course  it's  a  bit  chilly — telling  me  it  wasn't 
thilly  when  I  knew  perfectly  well  that  it  was. 

(RUDDOCK  puts  his  hat  on  sideways,  first  removing  shawl.) 

Don't  put  my  hat  on  sideways — think  I  want  to  look  like  a  Toreador  ! 
What's  this  dirty  old  thing  ?  That's  not  my  coat. 

RUDDOCK.    This  is  your  coat,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    That's  not  my  coat. 

RUDDOCK.    It  is  your  coat,  sir ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  It  is  my  coat !  No !  No !  Don't  put  my 
'hand  in  the  pocket — put  it  in  the  sleeve.  I  never  saw  such  a  lot  of 
diddering,  doddering  fools  as  I've  got  round  me. 

(Etc.  etc.,  titt  he  is  through  the  window  and  out  of  hearing.) 

(VIRGINIA  now  enters,  L.,  quickly,  and  puts  bag  on  table  c.     She 
is  dressed  for  going  out.) 

VIRGINIA.    Where  is  Mr.  Bullivant  ? 

RUDDOCK.    Just  gone  into  the  garden,  Miss.     (Exits  c.,  carrying 
shawl.) 

(VIRGINIA  remains  at  the  window  watching  him.) 

(JABVIS  enters  quietly  at  door  B.,  and  for  a  moment  watches  her.  He  M 
still  in  evening  dress,  but  wears  a  heavy  motor-coat  over  it,  and  stili 
wears  the  camelia  of  ACT  I.  There  is  rather  an  up-att-nigJu  air 
about  him.) 

JABVIS.    What's  he  doing? 


Ac*  n.J  GRUMPY.  46 

i 

VIRGINIA  (startled).    How  quietly  you  came  in! 

JABVIS.     What's  he  doing  ? 

VIRGINIA.    Grumpy  1    Looking  for  traces  of  burglars  f 

JABVIS  (down  B.C.).    Oh,  I  see. 

VIRGINIA.    Why  haven't  you  changed ! 

JARVIS.  Well,  there's  been  a  good  deal  to  do.  Doctor*  to  fetch 
— and  one  thing  and  another,  I  simply  haven't  had  a  minute. 

VIRGINIA.     You've  been  wonderful !    We're  awfully  grateful ! 

JARVIS  (smiling).  Be  carefull  I  may  ask  you  to  prove  your 
gratitude. 

VIRGINIA.    I'd  love  to  I 

JARVIS.     Would  you  ? 

VIRGINIA  (going  down  to  him).    Try  me  I 

JARVIS.     When  you  reach  London,  what  will  you  do? 

VIRGINIA.  Usually,  on  these  occasions,  I  offer  to  do  anything  I 
can  for  my  aunt.  She  generally  informs  me  I  can  do  nothing.  I 
kick  my  heels  about  for  two  or  three  days ;  then  she  says  she's 
better,  and  packs  me  off  here  again. 

JARVIS.    Will  you  kick  your  heels  about  this  afternoon  f 

VIRGINIA.    Possibly.    Why  ? 

JARVIS  (smiling).    Now,  then,  for  the  gratitude. 

VIRGINIA  (smiling).    Go  on. 

JARVIS.     Kick  your  heels  about — with  me. 

VIRGINIA.    Meet  you  ? 

JARVIS.    I'm  only  five  minutes'  from  your  aunt's. 

VIRGINIA.    Well  ? 

JARVIS.    Come  round  about  teatime. 

VIRGINIA.    I  couldn't.    (Turns  away.) 

JARVIS.    You  could. 

VIRGINIA.    You  know  I  ought  not  to  do  it.    (A  step  L.) 

JARVIS.    Do  ! 

VIRGINIA  (turns  to  JARVIS).  After  all,  there  wouldn't  be  any  harm 
In  it,  would  there  ?  I'm  not  wanted  here ;  they  won't  even  let  me 
see  Ernest. 

JARVIS.    You  see,  I  may  be  going  abroad  this  evening. 

VIRGINIA.     Going  abroad  ? 

JARVIS.     Then  we  shan't  see  each  other  for  some  time. 

VIRGINIA.    You  never  told  me — (Stops  at  chair  and  looks  round  — 
you  were  going  abroad.     (Goes  up  c.  to  R.  of  camelia  tree.) 

JARVIS  (looking  over  R.  shoulder).  Half- Moon  Street — about  five  I 
(Vp  to  her.) 

VIRGINIA  (after  a  moment).    It  would  be  interesting. 

JARVIS.    About  five. 

VIRGINIA.    You  promise  you  won't  keep  me  long  f 

JARVIS.     I  won't  promise  anything. 

VIRGINIA.     Oh,  but  you  must. 

JABVIS.    You  shall  go  whenever  you  like 


44  GRUMPY.  [Ad  IL 

(VIRGINIA    breaks   •    camelia    from    the    plant   in   the   room — and 
goes  with  it  to  JARVIS.) 

For  me  f 

VIRGINIA  (removing  the  faded  flower  in  JARVIS'S  coat  and  putting/ 
fresh  one  in  his  buttonhole.)  This  poor  dear's  nearly  dead. 

JARVIS.  That  is  sweet  of  you.  Now  we've  both  got  a  camelia. 
Isn't  there  some  sort  of  a  game — where  two  people  get  hold  of — er — 
two  things  alike — two  kernels  in  one  nutshell  ? 

VIRGINIA.    Oh,  you  mean  Philippine. 

JARVIS.    Yes — what  is  it  ! 

VIRGINIA.  Well,  you  each  keep  one.  And  the  next  time  you 
meet — not  the  same  day,  of  course — it's  generally  to-morrow — the 
one  who  says  Philippine  first — wins. 

JARVIS.  Oh  yes,  of  course — that's  it — I  remember.  And  the 
winner  receives  some  little  prize — doesn't  she  ?  Well,  now,  you  look 
out  to-morrow — Philippine — I  shall  win. 

VIRGINIA.    You  won't.    (Is  above  table,  L.C.) 

JARVIS.    I  will  I 

VIRGINIA.  We'll  see.  (Drops  camelia  in  her  bag,  which  is  on  L. 
end  of  table.) 

j  JARVIS  (pats  his  camelia  in  his  coat).  It  can't  be  the  same  day, 
lyou  say.  (Down  to  back  of  chair  beliind  table.) 

VIRGINIA.    Oh  no ! 

JARVIS.  Because  I  was  thinking  of  when  you  come  round  this 
afternoon. 

VIRGINIA.    But  I'm  not  sure  that  I  am  coming  round. 

JARVIS.    Oh,  I  think  you  an. 

VIRGINIA.    Am  I  ? 

JARVIS.    /  think  you  are. 

VIRGINIA.    We  shall  see. 

JARVIS.    About  five. 

(MR.  BULLIVANT  returns  with  RUDDOCK.  The  old  man  comes  fussily 
in,  talking  all  the  time.  RUDDOCK  takes  MR.  BULLIV ANT'S  coat  and 
hat.  VIRGINIA  goes  up  and  meets  them.) 

\  MR.  BULLIVANT.  It's  perfectly  useless !  If  a  pack  of  people  are 
wandering  about  the  grounds,  all  traces  are  bound  to  be  obliterated. 
I  really  don'tr— —  (Sees  VIRGINIA.) 

(JARVIS  goes  up  L.) 

(Notices  her  dress).    What's  this  hat — hat — what  for — hat  ? 
VIRGINIA.     Put  it  on  for  the  motor  ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Eh  ?     Oh  yes,  to  be  sure — of  course,  you're 
to  London.     Has  the  Colonel  arrived  ? 

VIRGINIA.    Not  yet.     He'll  be  here  at  any  moment 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Silly  old  idiot,  he's  always  late  !    Give  him  my 


ACT  II.]  GRUMPY.  47 

compliments.  Of  course — too  occupied  to  see  anyone.  Er — 
(Suddenly) — I  don't  much  like  your  going,  you  know 

(JARVIS  is  up  by  door  L.) 
VIRGINIA.    Well,  then,  I  won't  go ! 

(JARVIS  turns  at  this,  listening.) 
MR.  BULLIVANT  (sits).    Of  course  you'll  go — — 
(JABVIS  goes  out.) 

Not  nice  for  you  here — not  nice — besides,  I  suppose  I  wish  you  to 
go (By  this  time  he  is  in  his  chair  again.) 

VIRGINIA.    Why,  where's  your  cushion  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.     Eh  ?     Oh,  my  lord,  what  is  she  saying  now. 

VIRGINIA.  Where's  the  cushion  I  put  for  you  ?  (Searching 
settee.) 

(Ma.    BULLIVANT    w   now   unnaturally    busy    looking   for  a  pen. 
Then  innocently  he  says.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    You  asked  me  something  ! 

VIRGINIA.    Where's  the  cushion  ?     (Crossing  to  L.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Oh,  the  cushion  ? 

VIRGINIA.  I  put  a  nice  cushion  here — what  have  you  don« 
with  it? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Oh  yes,  a  dear  little  cushion  I  (In  desperation.) 
It's  that  old  idiot  Ruddock,  my  love.  He's  got  into  the  habit  of 
hiding  things.  (Busy  with  papers.) 

VIRGINIA  (goes  up  to  RUDDOCK  B.).    Why  did  you ? 

RUDDOCK  (R.  above  settee — aside  to  her).  Old  gentleman's  orders, 
Miss — didn't  want  you  to  know. 

(VIRGINIA  looks  at  the  old  man  and  laughs.  She  then  goes  to  him,  putt 
her  arms  round  his  neck  impulsively,  rubbing  her  face  against  his 
arm,  on  her  knees  by  the  old  man.) 

(Exit  RUDDOCK  o.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    What  is  it?    You  want  something? 
VIRGINIA  (coaxingly).    I  don't  want  to  go. 
MR.  BULLIVANT.    But  I  wish  you  to  go. 
VIRGINIA  (R.  of  him).    Yes,  I  know — you're  always  wishing  me  to 
do  things  I  don't  want  to. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Your  life  is  a  perpetual  self-sacrifice. 
VIRGINIA.    I  hate  you  when  you  talk  like  that  1 
MR.  BULLIVANT  (chuckles).     Oh  no,  you  don't. 
VIRGINIA.    You  may  laugh,  but  you'd  hate  it  if  I  went  away. 
MR.  BULLIVANT  (pleasantly).    Should  I  ? 
VIRGINIA.    You  know  you  would  1    Supposing  I  died  1 


48  GRUMPY.  [Aor  IL 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (seriously).    Hush,  my  dear ! 

VIRGINIA.  I  might — lots  of  young  girls  die.  (Going  round  back  of 
chair  to  L.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Hush,  my  dear — you  must  never  joke  about 
death. 

'VIRGINIA  looks  at  MR.  BULLIVANT  and  kisses  him  on  forehead.) 

VIRGINIA  (taking  the  box  in  which  is  the  camelia).    What's  in  this  T 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (quickly).    Nothing.     (Attempting  to  take  it.) 

VIRGINIA  (L.  of  MR.  BULLIVANT).  Then  why  do  you  want  it  I 
May  I  see ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    No,  my  dear. 

VIRGINIA.    "  My  dear  I  "    Something  serious  in  this  box. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Why  do  you  say  that  ? 

VIRGINIA.  It's  always  something  serious  when  you  call  me  "  my 
dear." 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Give  it  to  ma. 

VIRGINIA.    Do  let  me  see. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    No. 

VIRGINIA.    Oh,  do. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    No. 

(VIRGINIA,  going  B.,  gives  it  to  him.) 

VIRGINIA.  Take  your  old  box  I  (She  goes  up  and  then  passes  to 
the  right-hand  side  of  him,  and  in  a  wheedling  voice  says.)  Darling 
Grumpy — dear  thing.  (Whispers.)  Let  me  see  what's  in  the  box  1 
(Grabbing  at  it.) 

Ma.  BULLIVANT.    No.    (He  covers  her  hand  with  his.) 

(Pause.) 

VIRGINIA    (very    deliberately).    No    wonder    I    christened    yon 
Grumpy  I 
MR.  BULLIVANT.     Oh,  you  didn't  mean  that,  did  you  f     (Smiles.) 

(RUDDOCK  enters  c.) 

VIRGINIA.    Good-bye,  Grumpy  1 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (holding  her  close).    Good-bye. 

VIRGINIA.    You  think  Ernest  will  be  all  right ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Yes — the  doctor  says 

VIRGINIA.    Yes,  I  know — the  doctor  told  me. 

(RUDDOCK  comes  down  and  opens  door  and  stands  holding  it  ope*.) 
MB.  BULLJVANT.    Come — a  smile !    (Takes  VIRGINIA'S  hands.) 

(She  smiles  at  him.) 
An,  there's   my   Jinny (Kisses   her.)    God   bless   you — God 


ACT  IL]  GRUMPY.  4f; 

bless  you,  my  darling.  Send  me  a  wire  when  you  get  there.  Give 
my  love  to  your  Aunt  and  tell  her 

(RUDDOCK — who  is  showing  her  out — shuts  door.) 
Don't  shut  the  door  when  I'm  talking  to  her! 
(RUDDOCK  opens  door.) 

No,  it's  too  late  now  1  She's  gone  round  the  corner.  I  never  saw  such 

a  lot  of  diddering,  doddering  fools (7s  still  for  a  moment.)  I 

don't  like  that  child  going  away,  Ruddock.  I  haven't  many  years, 
and  I'm  never  really  happy  when  she's  out  o'  my  sight. 

RUDDOCK  (coming  to  c.  below  settee).    You're  looking  very  worn,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.     Yes,  I  feel  very  worn,  too. 

RUDDOCK.     Hadn't  you  better  postpone  the  inquiry  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (indignant  suddenly).  Postpone  the  inquiry  I 
Don't  be  a  ridiculous  ass  I  How  can  I  possibly  postpone  the 
inquiry  1 

RUDDOCK.  Very  good,  sir.  May  I  suggest,  sir,  if  you  wish  to  see 
Mr.  Jarvis,  it  would  be  as  well  to  see  him  now  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Yes,  I  do  wish  to  see  Mr.  Jarvis. 

RUDDOCK.     Mr.  Jarvis.     (Calls  off  door  B.) 

(RUDDOCK  comes  down.) 

(MR.    BULLIVANT    has   taken   the   camelia    from   tfo    box  and  is 
looking  at  it  thought 'futty .) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  We've  made  one  discovery,  and  it's  an 
important  one,  Ruddock.  We  know  the  camelia  we  have  is  not  the 
camelia  we  want. 

RUDDOCK  (c.).    Ah,  but  where  is  the  camelia  we  want,  sir  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  We  want  every  camelia  we  can  find  until  we  get 
the  right  one. 

MEREIDEW.    Mr.  Jarvis  I 

(JARVIS  enters  B.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Ah,  Mr.  Jarvis,  I  owe  you  so  much  already — I 
am  almost  ashamed  to  further  trespass  on  your  kindness. 

JABVIS.     Oh,  it's  nothing  ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Nothing.  I  hear  you've  done  wonders. 
Getting  poor  Ernest  up  to  his  room  on  the  second  flooz  and  rushing 
for  the  doctor — then  rushing  for  another 

JARVIS  (down  B.C.).  Yes,  that's  why  I'm  like  this.  (AUuding  to 
evening  dress,  which  he  still  wears  beneath  a  heavy  motor-coat.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  What  I  Not  even  time  to  change  ?  (Rises.) 
Dear,  dear  !  I  really  am  most  grateful  1 

JABVIS.    Oh  nol 


M  GRUMPY.  [ACT  II. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Now,  I  won't  detain  you  a  moment.  You  were 
the  first  to  find  Mr.  Heron  ?  Did  you  notice  anything  last  night 
which  might  give  us  any  idea  as  to  the  sort  of  person  who  could  have 
jommitted  this  outrage  ? 

JARVIS.    No,  no,  no  !     (Pause  between  each  "  No.") 

ME.  BULLIVANT.    Nothing  lying  about — on  the  floor  or  anywhere  ? 

JARVIS.    I  didn't  notice  anything. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (at  R.  of  table).  Now,  will  you  tell  me  how 
you  found  him  ?  He  was,  I  understand,  on  the  hearthrug 

JABVIS  (crossing  to  the  fire-place  L.).    Yes — just  here. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Ah  !    Now  what  exactly  was  the  position 1 

JARVIS.    Well,  his  head  was — er — close  to  the  fender 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Ah  1  Yes,  Ruddock  told  me,  and  his  arms — 
were  they — outstretched  ? 

JARVIS.  Yes — er — the  simplest  way  will  be  for  me  to  show  you. 
(Quickly  taking  off  overcoat.)  I'll  take  the  position  myself.  (Is  about 
to  lit  down,  puts  overcoat  over  left  shoulder.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Eh  ?  Oh,  well — it's  very  kind — oh,  but  no,  no  ! 
T  couldn't  think  of  it— (Sudden  thought) — er— Ruddock,  you  saw  Mr. 
Heron 

RUDDOCK.    Yes,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Why  don't  you  take  up  the  position.  Please — 
please. 

(RUDDOCK  rather  elaborately  proceeds  to  lie  on  the  hearth-rug.  MR. 
BULLIVANT  and  JARVIS  watching  attentively.  In  reclining  RUDDOCK 
hits  his  head  against  the  fender,  sits  hurriedly  up  and  rubs  his  head. 
Lies  down  again,  hitting  his  head.) 

What  are  you  rolling  about  for  !    Have  you  settled  down  now  ?    la 
that  the  position  ? 

JARVIS.    Yes,  that's  just  about  it.    (Rests  on  table.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (closely  examining  RUDDOCK — crossing  L.).  His 
head  is  touching  the  fender. 

JARVIS.    Yes— Mr.  Heron's  head  was  touching  the  fender. 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (crosses  to  RUDDOCK).  Oh,  it  was  1  This  is  im- 
portant. Your  head  is Here,  here,  you're  not  asleep,  are  you  ? 

RUDDOCK.    No,  sir. 

?     MR.  BULLIVANT.    Your  head  is  touching  the  fender— isn't  it, 
Ruddock  ? 
;    RUDDOCK.    Yes,  sir.    My  head  struck  the  fender. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Oh,  his  h*ad  struck  the  fender,  Jarvis !  That's 
all  right,  then. 

JARVIS.  Couldn't  the  blow  have  been  caused  by  the  head  striking 
the  fender  ?  (Puts  coat  on  arm-chair.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Oh  no— the  doctor's  disposed  of  that.  (Crossing 
tack  K»C.) 

comes  to  o.) 


GRUMPY  AND   VIRGINIA 


AOT  IL1  GRUMPY.  M 

The  attack  was  from  the  front,  the  blow  was  evidently  from  th« 
front.     The  fellow  raised   his   weapon— or  whatever   it  was— and 
brought   it   down— and   brought    it    down,     (/n    illustrating    his 
meaning  he  is  face  to  face  with  JARVIS,  and  for  the  first  time  sees  the 
lower  in  JARVIS'S  coat — his  arm  remains  in  mid-air,  and  he  gazes 
speechlessly  at  the  camelia — there  is  a  moment's  pause.) 
RUDDOCK  (on  floor).    Beg  pardon,  sir— may  I  get  up  ! 
Ma.  BULLIVANT  (unable  to  take  his  eyes  off  the  camelia).    Eh  ?  ... 
Oh  1     Oh  yes,  get  up,  get  up ! 

JARVIS  helps  RUDDOCK  up.  MR.  BULLIVANT  turns  as  he  crosses, 
still  gazing  at  the  camelia.  RUDDOCK  also  now  sees  flower.  As 
JARVIS  helps  him  up  he  stares  at  the  camelia,  so  that  at  that  moment 
both  MR.  BULLIVANT  and  RUDDOCK  are  almost  spellbound.) 

JARVIS  (going  up  to  window  c.).    Did  you  notice,  sir,  if  the  window 
aas  been  tampered  with  ?     (Examines  the  window  at  back.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT  mysteriously  beckons  RUDDOCK,  with  one  eye  on 
JARVIS.  In  pantomime  he  indicates  to  RUDDOCK  the  camelia  in 
JARVIS'S  coat.  RUDDOCK  nods,  understanding.  MR.  BULLIVANT 
is  fearfutty  excited.  He  takes  the  camelia  box  and  places  it  on  the 
edge  of  the  table.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Can't  quite  make  out  the  blow,  Jarvis. 
JARVIS  (comes  down  R.C.).    I'm  inclined  to  the  fender-- —  (R.  of 
MR.  BULLIVANT  below  table.) 
MR.  BULLIVANT.    Oh  no,  no,  no  !    Now,  let  us  get  this  right. 

Now,  a  moment—you  are  Heron— and^I  am  the  burglar (Placing 

JARVIS  in  front  of  him.)  Now  then— if  I  attack  you  so (Grasp- 
ing JARVIS  with  both  hands.)  Oh,  pardon  me— I've  pulled  your  tie 
out.  I'm  sorry.  (Goesroundtobackof  JARVIS— bus. :  W ith  RUDDOCK 
—finger  on  lips.)  Now,  let  us  try  again.  Supposing  I  bring  my  arm 

round  this  way (Grasping  JARVIS  round  the  waist.)    Oh,  I'm 

sorry,  I've  torn  your  waistcoat,  haven't  I  ? 
JARVIS.    No  ;   it's  all  right,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.     Oh,  I  thought  I  heard  the  lining  go.     (Passing 
at  the  back  of  JARVIS  again  he,  knowingly,  signals  to  RUDDOCK  to  look 

vat.)     No,  it  must  have  been  this  way (Again  grasping  JARVIS 

with  both  hands,  one  hand  coming  down  on  the  camelia.)     Oh,  I  shall 
wush  this  flower.    I  think  I  had  better  remove  it. 
JARVIS.     Oh  no  ;    don't  bother  1 
MR.  EULLIVANT.    Eh  ?     Oh,  but  it'll  get  crushed. 
JARVIS.    Oh,  very  well. 

(MR.    BULLIVANT    takes    the    flower    out    and    places    it    on    table 
behind  him— then   he  turns  to  JARVIS  again.    RUDDOCK  eagerly 
watching  L.) 
MR.  BULLIVANT.    Now,  let's  get  this  quite  right.    The  lights  are 


•I  GRUMPY.  (Acr  II 

probably  out — I,  the  burglar — ah,  but  you  wouldn't  be  there.  You'd 
be  over  by  the  fire.  (He  turns  JAEVIS  round  so  that  JARVIS'S  back  is> 
now  to  the  table — the  moment  this  happens,  with  a  hand  beliind  his  back 
he  changes  the  camelia — takes  the  one  out  of  the  box  and  puts  JARVIS'S 
into  box  in  its  place.)  Seeing  me  about  to  attack  you,  you'd  prob- 
ably step  back,  down  comes  my  weapon,  and  crash,  you  are  on  the 
floor  )  Clear  as  daylight  1 

(Enter  MERRIDEW  a.) 

MERRIDEW.     The  car  is  waiting,  sir — if  Mr.  Jarvia  is  ready. 
MR.  BULLIVANT.     Is  Miss  Virginia  in  the  car  ?     (Going  over  to  door 

B.) 

MERRIDEW.    Yes,  sir. 

(RUDDOCK  gives  JARVIS  his  coat.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.     Oh,  well,  she  mustn't  be  kept  in  the  cold — 

JARVIS.    Nothing  more  I  can  do  ?     (Crosses  R.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.     Oh  no,  nothing — nothing,  I  thank  you. 

JARVIS.     Well,  good-bye,  sir.     Thanks  for  a  most  charming  visit 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Good-bye — good-bye. 

JARVIS.     Oh — er — my  flower. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Oh,  pardon  me,  yes,  of  course — of  course. 
Your  flower ;  will  you  please  fetch  it  ? 

JARVIS  (crosses  to  table  and  fetches  camelia).  Thank  you — good 
bye. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Good-bye — good-bye  I 

(JARVIS  goes  off  B.) 

(The  moment  the  door  closes,  MR.  BULLIVANT  and  RUDDOCK  swing 
round  on  to  the  camelia  in  the  box.    They  remove  and  examine  it.) 

The  magnifying  glass,  Ruddock,  the  magnifying  glass  1 

(RUDDOCK  hands  him  the  glass  and  camelia.     He  is  as  kee-.i.) 

(After  a  moment.)  The  hair  is  not  here.  (Handing  flower  to  I  UD- 
DOCK.) 

RUDDOCK.    Not  a  sign  of  it,  sir  !     (Puts  flower  and  glass  on  tabl-e.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (sinking  on  to  settee).  This  detective  business  is 
really  very  trying,  Ruddock.  After  all,  the  man  was  my  guest — I  »r  < 
glad  the  hair  is  not  here. 

RUDDOCK.    Yes,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  He  must  have  thought  it  very  extraordinary  o 
me ;  do  you  think  he  thought  me  rude  ? 

RUDDOCK.    No,  sir — perhaps — er — a  little  eccentric,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Eccentric  !  Eccentric  be  damned ;  he  couldn't 
have  thought  me  eccentric  !  I  must  go  and  apologize  to  him — 

(The  motor  horn  is  heard.) 


ACT  ILJ  GRUMPY.  60 

RUDDOCK.    Just  going,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.     What's  that.     The  car  ?     Shall  I  be  in  time  ? 

RUDDOCK.  I  think  so,  sir.  (Going  up  to  window.)  There  they 
we,  passing  the  Lodge. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (at  window).    Can  she  see  me  ? 

RUDDOCK.    Yes,  sir,  she's  waving,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Ah,  good-bye,  my  darling.  Good-bye.  (8ig 
nailing  with  bandana.) 

(Enter  SUSAN.) 

SUSAN.     If  you  please,  sir 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Good-bye — good (Turns  and  sees  SUSAN — 

at  once  irritable  and  rather  chokey  as  well.)  What  is  it  ? — what  is  it  ? 

SUSAS.     If  you  please,  sir,  can  I  speak  to  you  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    No,  no.     Go  away !    What  is  it  ? 

SUSAN.    If  you  please,  sir — if  you  please,  sir — I've  seen  it. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (stiU  angry).    Seen  what  ? 

SUSAN.  The  camelia,  sir.  The  camelia  with  the  hair  round  the 
stem. 

'This  fixes  the  old  man  ;   he  simply  stares  at  her.     No  one  moves.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (very  quietly).    Ruddock !    (Motions  to  RUDDOCK 
to  close  windows  and  door  R.) 
RUDDOCK.    All  right,  sir. 

/RUDDOCK   closes   the    door   carefully.     MB.    BULLIVANT    beckons 
SUSAN  and  goes  to  his  chair  c.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Now,  tell  me — where  did  you  see  it  ? 

SUSAN.     I  was  packing,  and  it  fell  out  of  Miss  Virginia's  bag. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Miss  Virginia  !    How  did  she  get  it  ? 

SUSAN.    I  don't  know,  sir ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Mr.  Ernest  must  have  given  it  to  her. 

SUSAN.     He  couldn't  have,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Why  not  ? 

SUSAN.  Because  when  I  came  in  to  turn  out  the  lights  last  night 
he  still  had  it  in  his  buttonhole.  Miss  Virginia  had  gone  to  bed, 
and  she  hasn't  seen  him  since. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.     Where  is  it  now  ? 

SUSAN.  Miss  Virginia  has  taken  it  to  London  with  her.  I  wa* 
i^oing  to  throw  it  away  when  she  said  she  wished  to  keep  it. 

(Pause.     The  old  man  is  in  deep  thought.) 
MR.  BULLIVANT.    That  will  do. 

(SusAN  goes  L.) 

Ruddock,  give  me  the  railway  time-table,  the — oh  dear,  I  shall  forge! 
my  own  name  next — the  Bradshaw. 

,'RuDDOCK  hand*  it  to  him.) 


54  GRUMPY.  I  ACT  IL 

No,  no,  this  is  the  Continental  Bradshaw. 

(RUDDOCK  opens  it  at  the  Index.) 

Oh  no,  it  is  the  right  Bradshaw.  Oh  dear,  give  me  the  magnifying 
glass.  Why  the  devil  do  they  want  to  print  it  so  small.  I  can't 
see  this  Index. 

(Tkinks  hard,  tapping  his  forehead,  and  uttering  ihefolloiring  words  at 
intervals — meanwhile  trying  to  find  a  train.  RUDDOCK  quietly 
watching  him.) 

Ernest  last  night  was  wearing  a  camelia  with  a  hair  round  the  stem, 
but  when  he  was  discovered  this  morning  a  camelia  was  found 
clutched  in  his  hand,  but  it  had  no  hair  round  the  stem.  Virginia 
is  now  in  possession  of  the  camelia  with  the  hair  round  the  stem — 
seems  anxious  to  keep  it.  ...  Why  ?  Why  do  young  women 
want  to  keep  faded  flowers  ?  See  page  four  hundred  and  thirteen. 
.  .  .  Some  man ! — Ernest  ?  No.  Ernest  was  wearing  it  after 
she  went  to  bed.  .  .  .  Not  Ernest.  Well,  there's  no  one  else — 
except  Jarvis — Jarvis  ?  No,  not  Jarvis.  .  .  .  Refer  to  page — 
five  hundred  and  forty-nine.  Oh,  what  a  book !  What  a  rotten 
book  !  (Remembering — slotcly.)  Jarvis  has  been  paying  Virginia  a 
good  deal  of  attention,  I've  noticed  that.  I  wonder  if  he  gave  her  the 
camelia  ?  Oh  no.  Jarvis  was  the  first  to  find  Ernest  last  night. 

(Pause.) 

He  said  he  saw  nothing  about  the  room — I  wonder  if  he  picked  up 
the  camelia  without  attaching  any  importance  to  it — he  might  have 
— and  he  might  have  given  it  to  Virginia.  I'd  better  see  Virginia, 
and  if  her  evidence  should  throw  no  light  on  the  subject  it  would  be 
rather  interesting  to  call  on  Mr.  Jarvis — and — Keble — the  man  with 
the  face.  Ruddock,  order  the  brougham  to  catch  the  next  train  to 
London. 

RUDDOCK.    Which  train,  sir  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Wait  a  moment  and  I'll  tell  you.  The  one  that 
goes  at — no,  that's  Monday's  only — the  one  that  goes  at — dammit 
that's  Tuesday's  only.  Ah,  here  it  is,  the  one  that  starts  at — 

Stop  !    Ah — no — here  it  is.    The  one  that  starts Why,  that 

never  starts  at  all.     Oh,  here,  you  find  it,  Ruddock. 

RUDDOCK.    I  don't  understand  it,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  No  more  do  I — no  more  do  I,  and  if  I  had  the 
compiler  of  this  volume  here,  this  Mr.  Bradshaw — I'd— I'd  wring  hi* 
neck.  He  never  could  write  a  book,  and  never  will  be  able  to  write  a 
book  M  long  as  he  lives.  (Kicking  Bradshaw.) 

(RUDDOCK  looking  on— laughing.) 

(The  CURTAIN  falls.) 
The  ACT  flays  37  minutes. 


Acrm 

The  SCENS  is  MB.  JARVIS'S  rooms  in  London.  Everything  in  the 
very  best  taste  ;  evidence  of  wealth  and  refinement.  Everything 
quite  artistic  and  up  to  date,  in  contrast  with  the  solid  early  Victorian 
mahogany  furniture  of  the  previous  ACTS. 

(JABVIS  enters  up  a.,  followed  by  KEBLB.    jARVisjust  having  changed.) 

KEBLE.    Feeling  better,  sir  ? 

JABVIS.  Yes  ;  I've  had  forty  winks  —  I  feel  a  bit  fresher.  I  was 
up  all  night. 

KEBLE.    Indeed,  sir  !    Not  ill,  I  hope  ? 

JABVIS.    Er  —  a  lady  —  er  —  what  time  is  it! 

KEBLE.    About  five  o'clock,  sir. 

JABVIS  (going  B.).  Miss  Bullivant  will  call.  Bring  her  up.  Oh  ! 
—  you'll  find  a  flower  in  my  dress  coat  —  just  get  it.  (Sits  on  settee  B.) 

KEBLE.    Yes,  sir.    (Goes  off  B.) 

(JABVIS  arranges  some  flowers  which  were  on  small  table  R.o. 
KEBLE  returns  with  the  camelia  ;  hands  it  to  JABVIS,  who  puts  it 
in  his  coat.) 

{Alluding  to  flowers  on  table  B.C.).    Shall  I  arrange  the  flowers,  sir  ! 
JABVIS.    No  ;    I'll  do  that  myself.    Be  sure  she  comes  up. 
KEBLB.    Yes,  sir. 
JABVIS.     Oh,  and  put  the  bowl  on  that  table. 


(KEBLE  /eteAes  bowl  from  up  stage  B.,  and  puts  it  on  lower  end,  of  table* 
JABVIS  commences  to  arrange  the  flowers.) 

No,  I  was  not  ill.  (Pause.)  Had  a  burglary  after  you  left  last 
night. 

KEBLE  (c.,  on  B.  of  table).    Really,  sir  ? 

JABVIS.  Attempted  one,  anyhow.  Mr.  Heron  was  rather  badly 
handled. 

KEBLB.    Injured,  sir  ? 

JABVIS.  Yes  ;  I'm  afraid  so.  Unconscious  when  I  left.  I  think 
he'll  pull  through,  from  what  the  doctor  says.  I  was  the  first  to  find 
him.  Heard  a  noise  when  I  was  going  to  bed,  went  —  (Crosses  to  L.) 
—  down  and  found  the  library  all  upset,  and  Mr.  Heron  unconscious 

55 


06  GRUMPY.  [Aor  HL 

on  the  floor.   Then,  of  course,  there  was  no  going  back  to  bed,   (Sits.) 
Give  me  the  water. 

(KEBLE  brings  water  from  taUe  at  back,  B.) 

I  called  Ruddock,  the  valet,  and  between  us  we  got  him  upstairs  to 
bed,  then  I  went  off  for  the  doctor 

KEBLE.    Anything  stolen,  sir  ? 

JABVIS.    Apparently  not.    Evidently  Mr.  Heron  disturbed  them. 

KTBT».BT    No  clue  at  all,  sir,  as  to  who ? 

JARVIS.    Nothing.    (Starts  putting  flowers  in  bowl.) 

KEBLB.    Must  have  upset  the  old  gentleman  a  good  deal,  sir. 

JABVIS.  Yes.  He  seems  to  be  more  annoyed  than  anything  else 
at  not  being  called.  They  decided  to  keep  it  from  him  till  this 
morning. 

KEBLB.    I  suppose  he  would  be  annoyed. 

JARVIS.  Yes.  He  was  hard  at  work  investigating  when  I  left. 
Wonderful  old  gentleman,  Keble. 

KEBLE.     Remarkable,  sirl     Does  he  suspect  anyone— not  any 

of  us,  I  hope,  sir 

1    JABVIS.    Us  ? 

KEBLB.    Any  of  the  servants,  sir. 

JABVIS.    No.    No,  I  don't  think  so. 

KEBLE.  Excuse  me  asking,  sir,  but  did  Miss  Bullivant's  maid, 
Susan,  sir — did  she  seem  to  be  particularly  upset  about  Mr.  Heron 
oeing  hurt  ? 

JABVIS  (without  talcing  any  special  interest).  Why  she,  more  than 
anyone  else  ?  Have  you  a  special  interest  in  Susan,  Keble  ? 

KEBLE.    Well — yes  I  have,  sir. 

JABVIS.    Oh — indeed. 

KEBLE.    Yes,  sir.    I  have  hopes  in  that  quarter,  sir. 

JABVIS.    Really. 

KEBLB.  She  seemed  to  be  on  pretty  good  terms  with  Mr.  Heron, 
sir — and  §he  was  encouraging  him  to  make  himself  uncommon 
pleasant  to  her,  sir.  Oh  1  I  think  to  make  me  jealous,  sir.  At 
feast,  I  hope  it  was  that.  She  was  in  the  room  with  him  last  night 
just  before  I  went  to  catch  my  train,  sir.  I  wanted  to  see  her  to 
say  good-bye,  and  I  saw  her  through  the  window. 

JABVIS  (smiling).    You  surely  don't  suppose 

KEBLE.  I  don't  suppose  anything,  except  her  wanting  to  tease 
me :  just  as  she  did  when  she  offered  to  tie  up  a  flower  for  Mr. 
Xrnest  with  a  hair  from  her  head,  sir. 

JABVIS  {becoming  interested).  What  was  that  ? 
1  KEBLE.  Well,  I  happened  to  come  into  the  room  soon  after  Mr. 
Heron  arrived,  and  he  had  a  flower  in  his  hand  for  his  coat ;  he 
wanted  a  bit  of  cotton  to  tie  it  up — and  Susan  hadn't  any  cotton — 
and  then  she  saw  me,  and  just  to  tease  me  she  pulled  a  hair  out  ol 
her  head,  and  together  they  tied  up  the  camelia  with  that. 


ACT  HI.)  GRUMPY.  W 

(JAEVIS  rises  and  pours  out  water.     KEBLB  picks  up  paper  from 
flowers  and  puts  it  in  waste-paper  basket,  c.,  by  table  L.) 

JARVIS  (after  a  moment).    What  became  of  that  flower  ? 

KEBLE.  Oh,  he  put  it  in  his  coat.  Excuse  me,  sir,  the  bowl's  full  — 
the  water's  runnin'  over. 

JARVIS  (pulling  himself  together).  Oh!  Yes  —  silly  of  me  !  Bring 
a  cloth. 

(KEBLE  goes  a.  as  if  to  fetch   duster,   comes   back  and  wipes  up 

ike  water.) 

KEBLE.     Anything  else  you  want,  sir  ? 

(JARVIS  does  not  notice  him  and,  after  a  moment,  KEBLB  goes  out  R. 
JARVIS  is  lott  in  thought.  He  sinks  into  chair  by  table  L.,  and  is  for 
the  a  time  quite  still,  thinking.) 

(Pause.) 

JARVIS.  Awkward.  Damned  awkward.  (Rises  and  goes  up  to 
back  of  stage  lost  in  thought  —  he  then  calls.)  Keble  !  Keble  1 

KEBLE  (off  R.).     Yes,  sir  !     (Enters  R.) 

JARVIS.  Keble,  I  think  if  I  were  you  —  it  isn't  likely  you'll  be 
questioned  about  this  business  at  all  —  but  if  you  are,  I  don't  think 
I'd  mention  what  you've  told  me.  After  all,  it  was  a  trifling  thing, 
and  —  er  —  Mr.  Heron  had  probably  known  her  for  years  —  and  it 
might  place  the  girl  in  an  awkward  position. 

KEBLE.    Yes,  sir. 

JARVIS.     You  see  my  meaning,  don't  you  ? 

KEBLE.     Oh  yes,  sir  !     I  shan't  say  a  word,  sir. 

JARVIS.    I  think  it  will  be  better  to  say  nothing. 

(Bell.    A  sudden  sharp  ring  below.    JARVIS  almost  start*.) 
Who's  that  ? 

(KEBLB  looks  out  of  window.) 

KEBLE.    Miss  Bullivant,  sir.    (Goes  towards  door  L.) 
JARVIS.     Remember  —  up  here. 
KEBLE.    Yes,  sir.    (Exits.) 


is  left  alone.  He  stands  for  a  moment  in  deep  thought.  Then 
a  sudden  thought  comes  to  him,  and  he  removes  the  camelia  from  his 
coat  ;  quickly  goes  to  the  fire  and  very  carefully  places  the  flower  in 
fire  with  poker  and  pokes  it  down.  KEBLE  re-enters.) 

(Announcing).    Miss  Bullivant  ! 

i 
(VIRGINIA  enters.    JARVIS  leaves  the  fire  to  meet  her.    VxBonfiA 

comes  very  cautiously  in,  a  timid,  child-like  creature.    She  waits 

iiU  KEBLE  exits.) 


M  GRUMPY.  [Aor  IIL 

VIRGINIA.    What  a  charming  room !    (Crossing  B.C.) 

JARVIS.     What  a  charming  frock  !     (Taking  her  sunshade.) 

VIRGINIA.  [  knew  you'd  like  it.  (Still  very  subdued.)  This 
feels  like  Bluebeard's  chamber.  (Sits  on  settee  R.) 

JARVIS.    Am  I  Bluebeard  ? 

VIRGINIA.  I  was  thinking  of  Grumpy.  How  furious  he  would 
be !  But  I  did  want  to  come.  What  is  it  about  you.  You  seem 
to  draw  me  on  in  spite  of  myself.  I  feel  somehow— nothing— when 
I  am  with  you.  Yet  I  like  being  with  you.  Why  should  I  want  to 
see  you  ? 

JARVIS  (caressingly).  It's  because  I've  been  thinking  so  much 
about  you — because  I've  been  wanting  so  much  to  see  you.  (Arrang 
ing  a  cushion  for  her,  taking  it  from  L.  of  settee.) 

VIRGINIA.  Don't  make  me  too  comfortable.  I  mustn't  stay  a 
minute.  I'm  a  little  afraid  of  you ;  and  the  worst  of  it  is  I  like  the 
feeling.  (Putting  her  hand  in  front  of  JARVIS'S  eyes.)  Don't  look 
at  me  like  that !  You  seem  to  look  right  through  me.  I  wonder 
what  is  going  on  behind  that  big  forehead  of  yours. 

JARVIS.  At  present  there's  a  good  deal  of  confusion  going  on— 
the  one  thing  that  is  clear  is  that  you  are  here. 

VIRGINIA.  I  know  nothing  whatever  about  you  really,  you  know. 
I  don't  even  know  what  you  are  !  What  are  you  ? 

JARVIS.  Well— I— er— tell  me— what  about  the  aunt  ?  (Sits 
by  her.) 

VIRGINIA  (laughing).  Oh,  aunt  is  very  ill.  Her  doctor  told  her 
there  was  nothing  the  matter  with  her.  She  called  him  a  fool, 
and  threatened  to  send  for  some  one  else ;  whereupon  he  aaid  she 
had  a  nervous  breakdown,  and  ordered  her  off  to  bed.  At  first  she 
simply  refused  to  go — but  when  I  explained  that  Ernest  wouldn't 
be  able  to  come,  she  was  very  cross,  and  said  she  should  go  to  bed 
and  stay  there  till  he  did  come,  and  off  she  went.  Now  she  won't 
see  anyone — not  even  me. 

JARVIS.    Very  well,  then.    Now  I  want  you  to  come  and  see  me  off 

VIRGINIA.    See  you  off  ? 

JARVIS.    Yes. 

VIRGINIA.    You  are  goiug  away,  then  ? 

JARVIS.     Yes — to-night.    Will  you  come  and  see  me  off  f 

VIRGINIA.     Victoria  or  Charing  Cross  ? 

JARVIS.     Dover. 

VIRGINIA.    Dover  !    (In  an  awed  tone.) 

JARVIS  (imitating  her  tone).    Dover  !    Why  not  ? 

VIRGINIA.  I'd  love  it !  The  excitement  of  it !  I  have  so  little 
excitement.  Grumpy — I  love  Grumpy  better  than  anyone  else  io 
the  world — but  Grumpy  does  seem  so — so  old — sometimes.  (Pause ,) 
What  time  should  I  be  back  ? 

JAB  vis.    Oh,  you  won't  be  late. 

(Pause.} 


&OT  IIL]  GRUMPY.  W 

VIRGINIA.  I'm  sorry  you're  going  away.  (Turning  her  head 
away.) 

JABVIS.     Will  you  miss  me  when  I  go  I 

VIRGINIA.     Of  course  I  shall. 

JARVIS.  Will  you  ?  (Drawing  closer  and  closer  to  her.)  I  love 
you.  You  know  it.  (Pause.)  Don't  you  ? 

(JARVIS  now  gently  attempts  to  caress  her.) 

VIRGINIA    (rises).    Don't !    Don't !    (She  moves  to  fire-place.) 

JARVIS  (rises).  The  train  leaves  Victoria  at  6.50.  Can  you 
remember  ? 

VIRGINIA.    Yes. 

JAHVIS.    We'd  better  meet  at  the  train. 

VIRGINIA  (crossing  L.).  I'm  only  thinking — supposing  when  I  go 
back  now  there  is  anything  which  might  prevent  my  coming  1 
[Stands  with  lack  to  him.) 

JARVIS.     I'd  thought  of  that. 

VIRGINIA.    I'll  wire  yoa.    (Turns  to  JABVIS.) 

JARVIS  (very  deliberately).  No,  don't  wire.  Anyone  might  fine* 
you — writing  it. 

VIRGINIA.    I  hate  all  that! 

JABVIS.  I've  a  much  better  idea — much  safer,  and  really  rathei 
romantic.  (Smiling.) 

VIRGINIA.    What  is  it  1 

JARVIS.    How  old  are  you  ! 

VIRGINIA.     Twenty. 

JABVIS.    Do  you  know  how  old  I  am  ? 

(VIRGINIA  shakes  her  head.) 

Forty- two.    Ah  !    That  makes  you  open  your  eyes,  doesn't  iv 

VIRGINIA.    Oh,  I  never  think  of  those  things. 

JARVIS.  Do  you  think  old  forty-two  has  any  right  to  b 
romantic  ! 

VIRGINIA.    How  do  you  mean  ? 

JARVIS  (after  a  short  pause).  I  was  very  unhappy  soon  after  we 
reached  town.  (Goes  to  fire  and  leans  on  mantel,  back  to  her.) 

VIRGINIA.    Why  ? 

JARVIS.    Do  you  remember  giving  me  a  flower  this  morning  ? 

VIRGINIA.    The  Philippine  ? 

JARVIS.    Yes. 

VIRGINIA  (laughing).    Oh,  you've  lost  it. 


(JABVIS  nods.) 


You  want  another  ! 
Yes. 


60  GRUMPY.  [Ao*  m. 

VIRGINIA  (alluding  to  the  flowers  on  the  table  L.).    One  of  these  ? 

JARVIS.    I  don't  want  a  flower  from  a  florist.    I  want  one 

VIRGINIA.    From  me  ?     I  haven't  got  one. 

JARVIS.    You  had  one  this  morning. 

VIRGINIA.    The  one  I  took  from  you  t 

JARVIS.    Yes.    The  one  I  wore  last  night.    Have  you  got  that 

stun 

VIRGINIA.    No  ;    I  gave  it  away. 

JARVIS  (excitedly).    You  didn't. 

VIRGINIA  (quickly,  in  mock  terror).  No,  no,  no!  I  didn't — I 
didn't — don't  be  so  excited;  and  don't  be  so  bad-tempered. 

JARVIS.  You  kept  it  ?  (Very  relieved.)  It  was  sweet  of  you ! 
Send  me  that. 

VIRGINIA.    It  belonged  to  you  first. 

JARVIS.    Then  it  belonged  to  you. 

VIRGINIA.    And  now  you  want  it  to  belong  to  you  again  ! 

JARVIS.    Yes,  please. 

VIRGINIA.    It  has  quite  a  little  history,  hasn't  it  ? 

JARVIS.  Yes.  Put  it  in  a  little  box — send  it  by  a  special  messen- 
ger. Then  I  shall  know  nothing  will  prevent  your  coming  with  me 
to  Dover.  Will  you  promise  this  t 

VIRGINIA.    Yes. 

JARVIS.    Sure  ? 

VIRGINIA.    How  serious  you  are  1    Do  you  want  it  so  much 

JARVIS.  Yes.  I  shall  feel  happier  if  I  have  it  with  me  when 
I  go  away.  (Takes  her  hands.)  And— and  I  want  you,  Virginia, 
I  love  you.  I  never  thought  I  should  really  love  anyone 

The  door  handle  turns  and  KEBLE  enters.    VIRGINIA  gets  away  and 
goes  up  o.  a  little.) 

KEBLE.    Mr. 

JARVIS  (who  has  gone  B.  a  little,  quickly).    Some  one  to  see  me  ? 
KEBLE.    Yes. 

(VIRGINIA,  tn  alarm,  makes  a  dash  for  her  sunshade.) 

VIRGINIA.    Some   one  to   see  you  1    Will   he  see   me  f    Oh  1 
supposing  he  sees  me  !    (Goes  to  settee  and  gets  sunshade.) 
JARVIS.    He  won't  eat  you.    6.50,  Victoria. 
VIRGINIA.    Yes,  yes.    Good-bye.    (Going.) 
JARVIS.    Don't  forget  the  flower. 

(Both  o.) 
VIRGINIA.    No,  no.    Good-bye.    (Goes  to  door.) 

.  VALENTINE  WOLFE  enters.  A  benevolent  old  Jew  ;  exceedingly 
well  and  quietly  dressed.  He  discreetly  bows  as  VIRGINIA  passe* 
A»m.  She  does  not  acknowkdge  him  in  her  anxiety  to  get  away.) 


A.OT  HL]  GRUMPY.  61 

WOLFE.     How  do  you  do,  Mr.  Jarvis  ? 

JABVIS  (to  WOLFE).  How  are  you  ?  Excuse  me  a  moment. 
(Going  off  with  VIRGINIA.)  Let  me  see  you  down.  So  very  kind  of 
you  to  bring  the  message  yourself.  (Etc.,  as  VIRGINIA  and  JABVIS 
go  off  L.) 

(WoLFE  watches  them  off,  then  he  goes  up  to  the  window,  and  half- 
concealing  himself  behind  the  curtain,  watches,  following  VIRGINIA, 
as  it  were,  up  the  street.  Then  he  leaves  the  window,  shaking  his 
head  solemnly  and  conies  to  above  settee  B.) 

WOLFE.  If  that  young  woman  isn't  very  careful  —  ah  1  Well, 
it's  no  business  of  mine. 


re-enters  L.) 

(7n  an  unpleasant  tone.)    I  expected  to  find  you  alone.    Who  is  th« 
baby  ?     (Coming  down  c.) 

JARVIS.    That'll  do,  Wolfe,  drop  it. 

WOLFE  (surprised  at  his  tone).  Oh,  oh.  Not  serious,  I  hope  — 
when  a  man  of  your  sort  gets  serious  about  female  flummery  it's 
usually  dangerous. 

JARVIS.  Don't  jump  to  conclusions,  Wolfe.  You  ought  to  know 
me  better  than  to  think  I  shall  lose  my  head.  In  this  case  she  may 
help  to  avoid  danger.  But  we'll  come  to  that  later  on.  (Grossing 
to  fire-place  R.) 

WOLFE  (watching  him).    Got  it  ?     (Quite  casually  —  sits  B.C.) 

(JARVIS  takes  diamond  from  pocket  and  hands  it  to  WOLFE.  WOLFB 

examines  the  stone  with  the  air  of  one  quite  accustomed  to  prec- 

ious  stones.    He  adjusts  his  glasses  and  makes  quite  a  business 
of  the  examination.) 

Rummy  shape  !     Beautiful  thing,  ain't  it  f 

(JABVIS  simply  stands  watching  him,  taking  a  cigarette  out,  as  interested, 
apparently,  in  the  cigarette  as  in  the  diamond.) 

JARVIS.    Faultless  ! 

WOLFE.    Clever  fellow!    (Laughing.) 

JABVIS.     Oh,  it  was  interesting  1 

WOLFE.    How  did  you  manage  it  f 

JARVIS  (sits  on  sofa).  1  knew  my  best  chance  would  be  during 
ita  journey  between  Southampton  and  London.  Mr.  Bullivant 
lives  between  Southampton  and  London.  I  cultivated  the  Bulli- 
vants  and  was  asked  there  to  stay.  When  the  boat  arrived  at 
Southampton,  fortunately  for  us  late  at  night,  Mr.  Heron  was  met 
by  a  telegram  from  the  head  of  the  firm  at  this  end  —  sent  by  me  — 

(WoLFE  chuckles.) 
—  making  an  appointment  for  early  this  morabi*. 


62  GRUMPY.  [ACT  III. 

WOLFE.    So  Heron  was  delayed  for  the  night  ? 

JARVIS.  It  resolved  itself  into  an  hotel  or  his  uncle's  house.  His 
uncle's  house  contained  his  uncle's  granddaughter 

WOLFE.    Yes — we're  coming  to  her  later  on. 

JARVIS.  And,  as  I  anticipated,  when  we  all  went  to  bed  laat 
night,  his  uncle's  house  contained  the  diamond  as  well. 

WOLFE.    Clever  feller  !     (Chuckling.)    Clever  feller  ! 

JABVIS.     It  required  thinking  out — that's  all.    (Grossing  to  L.c.) 

WOLFE.  Ah !  But  it  required  getting,  too.  Did  you  have 
much  trouble  ? 

(JARVIS  does  not  answer.    WOLFE  is  still  busy  with  the  stone.) 

JARVIS.    I've  seen  nothing  finer  than  that  stone. 

WOLFE.  No ;  there's  only  three  or  four  better  than  this  on 
top  of  the  earth.  Yes — it's  all  right ;  I'll  give  you  the  price.  Shall 
I  take  it  with  me  ? 

JARVIS.    If  you  like — yes. 

WOLFE.  Call  on  me  to-morrow.  We  can  settle  up.  (Carefully 
putting  diamond  in  his  pocket.) 

JARVIS.  Well,  I'm  thinking  of  going  abroad  for  a  day  or  two. 
I'll  call  when  I  return.  (Sits  on  seat  L.) 

WOLFE  (suddenly  interested).  Going  abroad,  eh  ?  (Pause.)  Did 
you  have  much  trouble  ?  Did  you  have  much  trouble  ? 

JARVIS  (thoughtfully).    Well — yes — I — I  did  ! 

(  WOLFE  looks  at  him  quickly  for  a  moment,  but  thinks  nothing  of  it.) 

WOLFE.  Well,  a  stone  like  that  represents  a  blessed  lot  o'  money, 
and  you  can't  make  a  blessed  lot  o'  money  without  a  blessed  lot  of 
trouble.  Nothing  serious,  I  hope  ! 

JAHVIS  (slowly).    No — I  don't  think  BO. 

(WOLFE  regards  JARVIS  with  much  attention.) 

WOLFE  (rises  and  goes  L.C.  to  him).  I  don't  altogether  like  your 
cone.  What  do  you  mean  by  saving  you  don't  think  so  ?  Surely 
you  haven't  been  and  made  any  mistake  ?  (Tries  to  see  JARVIS'S 
face.) 

(JARVIS  turn*  in  his  seat  and  does  not  reply.    He  is  thinking  deeply.) 

I  believe  you  have  I  And  yet,  it's  not  at  all  like  you  to  do  anything 
silly. 

JARVIS.  In  a  sudden  emergency  one  may  sometimes  act  without 
thinking. 

WOLFE  (slowly  comes  to  c.,  and  then  faces  him  quickly).  You  'ave 
made  some  mistake,  my  friend. 

JARVIS.    I  may,  this  time,  have  made — a  slight  mistake. 

ITiis  is  enough  for  WOLFE.    He  attentively  reaards  JARVIS  for  a 


ACT  III.]  GRUMPY.  «3 

moment  ;  takes  a  step  R.,  then  he  very  deliberately  takes  the  diamond 
from  his  waistcoat  pocket,  hands  it  back  to  JARVIS,  putting  it  in  his 
R.  hand  and  closing  the  fingers  on  it  i  he  then  moves  away  R.,  sliaking 
Me  hands  as  if  he  wanted  to  put  the  whole  affair  away  from  him.) 

What  does  this  mean  ? 

WOLFE.  My  dear  young  feller,  my  lad,  I've  got  a  beautiful  houso 
on  Clapham  Common,  full  of  beautiful  furniture  and  surrounded 
by  a  beautiful  garden.  And  that  beautiful  house  and  beautiful 
furniture  and  beautiful  garden  isn't  kept  together  by  slight  mistakes. 
What  was  it  ?  (Sitting.) 

JARVIS  (slowly).    Well,  there  was  a  struggle,  do  you  see  ? 

WOLFE  (amazed  and  horrified.     Up).    Struggle — struggle  ! 

JARVIS.    Yes,  I  had  to  lay  him  out. 

WOLFE.    Lay  him  out — not  badly  ? 

JARVIS.    Yes,  I'm  afraid  so. 

WOLFE.    You  fool.    (Comes  c.) 

JARVIS.  Well,  I  couldn't  help  it.  And  afterwards  I  missed  a 
flower  I  had  been  wearing — a  camelia.  He  must  have  clawed  it 
out  of  my  coat  when  he  grabbed  hold  of  me.  Then  I  saw  one  on 
the  floor.  I  picked  it  up  and  put  it  in  my  coat. 

WOLFE.    Go  on. 

JARVIS.  It  now  appears  that  Heron  was  wearing  a  camelia,  and 
I'm  wondering  whether  the  one  I  picked  up  might  have  been  his 

WOLFE.    Well,  one  camelia  is  just  like  another 

JARVIS.  Yes  ;  but  it  so  happens  that  the  one  Heron  wore  could 
if  it  got  into  the  right  hands,  be  identified. 

WOLFE.    How  ? 

JARVIS.    It's  got  a  hair  tied  round  the  stem. 

WOLFE.    A  hair — a  hair  !     What's  become  of  it  ? 

JARVIS.    Miss  Bullivant  has  it. 

WOLFB.    You  must  get  it — -you  must  get  it  at  any  coat ! 

JARVIS.  I've  got  the  diamond,  I'm  inclined  to  skip  across  the 
water,  camelia  or  not. 

WOLFE.    Well,  it's  your  affair — not  mine.     (Going  up  c.) 

JARVIS.     Don't  beat  about  the  bush,  what  do  you  mean  ? 

WOLFE  (turning  to  JARVIS).  I  mean,  with  that  camelia  in  your 
possession  you  can  laugh  at  them  all — without  it,  there  isn't  a  back 
street  in  Europe  where  you  can  hide  your  head,  and  I  know  'em  all. 
(Moving  c.  to  above  settee.)  Nobody  knows  anything  about  this 
business,  eh  ? 

JARVIS.    Nobody. 

WOLFE.    What  about  Keble  ?    Eeble,  eh ! 

JARVIS.  Keble  knows  only  what  I  wish  him  to  kno^.  H^ 
knows  nothing  whatever  about  the  diamond. 

(The  bell  rings.) 


84  GRUMPY.  [A<n  EIL 

Who  the  devil's  that  ?  (Goes  to  window ;  looks  cautiously  out, 
suddenly  drawing  back  into  the  room.)  Damn  ! 

WOLFE  (anxiously}.    Who  is  it  ?     Who  is  it ! 

JAB  vis.    Bullivant.    (Down  to  c.) 

WOLFE.     What's  he  doing  up  here  ? 

JARVIS.  I  don't  know.  I  left  him  busy  investigating  in  the 
country. 

WOLFE.    Better  stop  him  coming  up. 

JARVTS.  That's  all  right.  Keble  knows.  What  the  devil  brings 
him  up  here  ? 

WOLFB  (c.).     Investigating,  eh  ? 

( WOLFE  whistles  meaningly.) 

JARVIS.  What  do  you  mean  ?  What  the  devil's  the  matter 
with  you  ?  (Coming  to  L.C.  and  meeting  WOLFE.) 

WOLFE.  That  very  clever  old  gentleman  is  looking  for  a  diamond 
in  the  country.  The  diamond  comes  to  London.  A  little  while 
after  that  very  clever  old  gentleman  comes  to  London 

JARVIS.    You  think ? 

WOLFE.  I  think  that  in  looking  for  that  diamond  in  the  country 
that  very  clever  old  gentleman  has  discovered  the  slight  mistake ! 
(Pause.)  Get  that  camelia — get  that  camelia ! 

JARVIS.     What  do  you  advise  ? 

WOLFE  (firmly).  I  advise  you  not  to  meet  that  very  clever  old 
gentleman.  Don't  forget  he  had  the  reputation  of  being  the  cleverest 
criminal  lawyer  of  his  day — and  I  advise  you  to  get  across  the 
water  as  soon  as  you  can,  and  have  that  stone  cut  up  into  tiny 
little  pieces.  You're  in  a  tight  corner.  If  you're  not  careful, 
you'll  find  yourself  checkmated. 

JARVIS  (pause).    I  might  prevent  that  by  taking  his  queen. 

WOLFE.    What  do  you  mean  ? 

(They  are  now  facing  each  other.) 

JARVIS.    That  girl  just  now. 

WOLFE.    Oh,  oh !    We've  come  to  her  at  last,  'ave  we ! 

JARVIS.  I  have  for  some  considerable  time  carefully  cultivated 
her — shall  I  say — friendship  ?  She's  difficult — but  she's  interesting. 
She's  very  young — she  likes  me — she  likes  me  very  much.  She'e 
going  to  see  me  off  at  Dover. 

WOLFE.    Dover  1    Good  old  Dover. 

JARVIS.  Yes,  and  I  hope  to  persuade  her  to  go  even  farther 
She's  all  the  world  to  old  Bullivant ;  he'd  do  any  mortal  thing- 
make  any  sacrifice  rather 

WOLFB,     Rather  than  she  should  be  compromised,  eh ! 

JARVIS.    I'm  hopeful,  Wolfe,  I'm  hopeful. 

WOLFB.     You're  colossal.    (Digging  him  in  ribs.) 

(KiBUB  entert  L.     WOLFB  goes  up  c.) 


ACT  IIL]  GRUMPY.  M 

KEBLE.     Mr.  Bullivant,  sir. 

JARVIS.    But  surely  you  sent  him  away  ?     (Going  L.  to  KEBLE.) 

KEBLE.  No,  sir,  I  tried  to  do  so,  but  he  insisted  on  waiting.  What 
•hall  I  do  ? 

JAB  vis  (deliberately).  Keble,  a  message  will  arrive  for  me.  It  is 
jf  the  utmost  importance — vital,  you  understand,  and  remember 
I'm  not  in  the  house. 

KEBLE.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (downstairs).  Is  this  the  way  I  Please — please— 
aome  one 

(JABVIS  waves  KEBLE  off.    KEBLB  goes  back  to  MR.  BULLIVAKT.) 

WOLFE  (hurriedly).  Don't  meet  him  !  Don't  meet  that  old  devil ! 
He'll  worm  your  very  soul  out  of  you.  (Hurries  JARVIS  off  B.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (outside).    These  stairs  are  very  trying. 

WOLFE  (points  to  door  up  R.).  Lie  low.  Get  out  as  soon  as  you 
can,  find  Miss  Bullivant,  get  the  camelia,  it's  your  only  chance 

(JABVIS  quickly  exits  into  the  room  B.  WOLFE  quickly  goes  to  arm-chairt 
B.C.,  whips  up  a  newspaper  and  reads.  MR.  BULLIVANT  enters, 
wearing  his  hat  and  coat.  KEBLE  enters  with  him,  following  him  c.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  I  am  perfectly  sure  Mr.  Jarvis  will  not  mind  my 
waiting  here.  I  feel  somewhat  fatigued.  A  little  rest  will  do  me 
good.  (Goes  B.,  and  takes  off  hat  and  puts  it  beside  him  on  sofa.) 

KEBLE.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    It  is  uncertain  when  he  will  return  1 

KEBLE.  Very  uncertain,  sir.  Indeed,  he  might  not  return  till 
to-morrow. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Ah !  Oh,  really !  Not  till  to-morrow !  Is 
Ohis  gentleman  waiting  here,  too  ?  (Sinks  into  settee  in  front  of  fire.) 

KEBLE.     Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Oh  dear,  dear,  fancy  that,  not  till  to-morrow. 
Thank  you.  That  will  do. 

(KEBLE  is  going  when  Wolfe  stops  him.) 

WOLFE.  I  beg  your  pardon — did  I  understand  you  to  say  Mr. 
Jarvis  might  not  return  till  to-morrow  ? 

KEBLE.    Yes,  sir. 

WOLFE.  You  should  'a  told  me  that  before.  It's  no  good  my 
wasting  my  precious  time  here  if  he  isn't  coming  back  till  to-morrow. 

(This  is  intended  for  MB.  BULLIVANT,  but  that  old  gentleman  only 
makes  himself  very  comfortable  in  settee.  He  sit»  with  his  eyes 
closed — sleeps  on  settee  and  wheezes.) 

My  lord  !     What's  that  ? 

KEBLE.  It's  the  old  gentleman,  sir ;  he  always  does  that  when 
he's  sleeping. 


56  GRUMPY.  [Aor  IIL 

(WOLFE  dismisses  KEBLE — who  exits — and  going  to  MR.  SULLIVAN* 
tpeaks  affably.) 

WOLFE.  I  say,  it's  not  much  good  our  waiting  ly  ;  Mi. 

Jarvis  isn't  coming  back  till  to-morrow. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  No,  not  till  to-morrow.  (Opening  Us  eyes,  but 
not  moving.)  Eh  ?  Oh,  no,  no  !  not  much  good.  (Making  himMlJ 
more  comfortable  and  again  closing  his  eyes.) 

a  moment  or  two,  uncertain  what  to  do,  then,  suddenly 
flapping  his  hand  on  his  leg.) 

WOLFB.  Why,  to  be  sure  ! — of  course — the  club  !  Why  didn't 
I  think  of  the  club  ?  (Going  over  to  Jire-place.)  Do  you  know,  sir, 
an  idea's  just  struck  me. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Oh,  fancy. 

WOLFE.    He'll  be  at  his  club. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (waking  up).    Eh  ? 

WOLFE.    Almost  sure  to  be  there.    Yea,  that's  the  place, 
go—  (crosses  to  c.)— down  there— I'll  go  down  to  the  club— that's 
where  he'll  be.    (Walks  to  door,  but  finds  MR.  BULLIVANT  has  n«t 
followed  him— returns  to  c.)    Ah!    Excuse  me,   sir.    Ei^- you're 
anxious  to  see  Mr.  Jarvis,  ain't  you  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Eh?  Oh,  yes— yes,  I  am  rather  anxious. 
(Half  asleep.) 

WOLFE.    Well,  he'll  be  at  his  club— I'm  going  down  there. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    That  will  be  nice  for  you,  won't  it  I 

WOLFE.    Allow  me,  sir,  to  drive  you  down  there. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Drive  me  down  where  ? 

WOLFE  (scarcely  concealing  his  irritation).  To  his  club.  He'll  be 
there — we  shall  catch  him  there. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Catch  who — where! 

WOLFE.    Mr.  Jarvis ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Oh  !  Oh  yes— but,  you  know,  I'm  very  com- 
Portable  in  front  o'  the  fire  here. 

WOLFE  (back  of  settee  R.C.).  Er— yes,  yes— I  know,  but  I  think 
we  shall  find  Mr.  Jarvis  at  his  club. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Oh,  well,  if  you  do,  tell  him  I'm  waiting  for  him 

here.  .  . 

WOLFE  (suppressing  his  indignation).    Certainly—certainly,  sir. 

(Crosses  to  door,  L.)    You  nasty  old  blighter ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    What  did  you  say  ? 

WOLFE.    Have  you  got  a  lighter.    (At  door.)    Good  da>,  sir, 
good  day. 
(At  he  w  backing  to  door,  L.,  he  bumps  into  KUDDOCK— who  enters.) 

(Orotses  L.,  at  door.)    How  do  you  do !     (Exits  L.,  backing  out  <j 
door.)    We  have  had  such  a  nice  little  talk,  haven't  we  t 


GRUMPY  AND  WOLF 


A<w  III.]  GRUMPY.  W 

§ir,  good  day    to    you,    sir.     Pleased    to    have   met  you — em- 
yea. 

(Exits.) 

(MB.  BULLIVANT  immediately  wakes  up.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Nice  polite  gentleman,  Ruddock. 

RUDDOCK.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Wouldn't  think  to  look  at  him  he  was  the 
greatest  liar  in  London.  And  one  of  the  cleverest  men.  His  name 
is  Wolfe — Valentine  Wolfe — known  among  his  intimates  as  Hanky 
Panky  Wolfe.  He  is  a  dealer  in  antiques — uncharitable  persons 
even  whisper  that  he  is  a  double-dealer  iu  antiques.  Why  should 
this  double-dealer  want  to  see  Mr.  Jarvis  1  And  why  should  he 
want  me  out  of  the  way  ?  Um  !  Ruddock,  where  is  Miss  Virginia  ? 
Why  was  she  not  at  her  aunt's !  Don't  like  it,  Ruddock ;  don't 
like  it ! 

RUDDOCK  (c.).    The  man's  manner  was  odd,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Keble  ?    Yes,  I  noticed  that. 

RUDDOCK.    He  didn't  wish  you  to  remain,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  No.  Nobody  wishes  me  to  remain — and  a» 
everybody  seems  anxious  for  me  to  go,  I'd  better  stay  where  I  am. 

(The  bett  rings  below.    MB.  BULLIVANT  indicates  the  window.    RUD- 
DOCK goes  up  and  looks  out.) 

What's  that  bell,  Ruddock  1    Just  go  and  see,  will  you  I 

RUDDOCK.    A  special  messenger,  lir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Ah  1    Letter  ! 

RUDDOCK.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Um — special  messenger  I  Er — just  go  downj 
stairs,  Ruddock,  and  contrive  by  accident  to  see  what  becomes  oi 
that  letter. 

RUDDOCK.    Yes,  sir.    (Goes  off  L.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT  is  left  alone.  He  wander*  down  the  stage  L.,  and 
listens  at  the  door.  Hears  KEBLE  on  the  stairs.  He  goes  and  sinks 
back  into  chair  as  though  fast  asleep,  and  wheezes.  KEBLE  enters. 
He  at  once  notices  the  old  man  is  nodding,  so  he  very  cautiously 
proceeds  to  cross  to  the  bedroom  with  a  letter  in  his  hand.  MB. 
BULLIVANT  hears  him  and  quickly  shows  that  he  suspects  something. 
Out  of  the  corner  of  his  eye  he  watches  KEBLE.  Just  as  KEBLE  u 
near  the  door,  he  speaks.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Oh — er — I  beg  your  pardon — er — could  you — 
what  is  your  name  ? 

KBBLE  (up  B.,  placing  the  letter  behind  him}.    Keble,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Of  course — of  course — Keble.  You  were  stop- 
ping at  my  place  in  the  country,  weren't  vou  I 

KEBL*.    Yes,  air 


•8  GRUMPY.  [Ac*  JO. 

MR.  BULLIVAKT.    Yes,  I  remember  your  face.     (Rising.)    Er — 
could  you — er — are  you  in  a  hurry  ? 
KEBLB.    No,  sir.    (A  little  anxious  about  his  letter.) 

(Ma.  BULLIVANT  M  now  watching  him  intently  and  trying  to  get  a 
glimpse  of  the  letter.) 

MB,  BULLIVANT.  I  see  you  have  a  letter  there.  I  thought 
perhaps  you  might  be  wanting  to  take  it  to  somebody. 

KEBLE.    Er — no,  sir — it's  not  important. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Ah  !  Well,  then,  that's  all  right.  Er— could 
you — would  you  be  so  good  as  to  help  me  off  with  this  coat  ?  I 
feel  the  room  a  little  warm. 

KEBLE.  Certainly,  sir.  (Proceeds  to  help  the  old  man,  with  the 
letter  in  kit  R.  hand.) 

(MR.  BULLIVANT  keeps  his  eye  on  the  letter,  which,  as  KEBLE  help» 
him  get  his  coat  off,  comes  almost  over  the  old  man's  shoulder.  He 
tries  to  look  at  it.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Thank  yon.  I'm  afraid  I'm  a  great  nuisance, 
but  the  room  is  warm.  Bad  thing  to  keep  a  coat  on  in  the  house — 
er — this — this  letter — appears  to  be  in  the  way.  (Trying  to  take 
it.)  Allow  me 

KEBLE  (anxious).    Oh  no,  sir ! 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Allow  me.  (Takes  the  letter  as  soon  a*  he  get* 
L.  arm  out  of  sleeve.) 

(KEBLE  a  little  taken  unawares.) 

That's  better.  Now  we  can  get  on  better,  can't  we  ?  (The  coat  is 
off  now.)  Ah,  that's  better  !  (He  hurries  away  round  'ille  L.c.  put- 
sued  by  KEBLE,  who  is  trying  to  regain  possession  of  the  letter.) 

(Ma.  BULLIVANT  wanders  to  fire-place  with  the  letter.) 

KEBLE  (who  has  put  the  coat  down  on  chair  B.C.).     The  letter,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Eh  ? 

KEBLE.    The  letter,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Oh  yes,  to  be  sure.  How  silly  of  me !  The 
letter  1  (Looking  at  it.)  For  Mr.  Jarvis,  I  see — and  in  my  grand- 
daughter's handwriting. 

KEBLE.    Indeed,  sir ! 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  I  wonder  why;  Why  should  my  granddaughter 
be  writing  a  letter  to  Mr.  Jarvis  ? 

KEBLE.  I  don't  know,  sir.  I  must  ask  you  for  the  letter,  sir. 
(Trying  to  take  it.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Don't  be  in  a  hurry,  Keble.  Don't  be  in  a 
hurry.  I'm  rather  interested  in  this  letter.  (Suddenly.)  What'* 
Inside  it  f 

KBBLE  (a  little  rudely).    I  don't  know.  sir. 


HI.]  GRUMPY.  W 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Ah,  that's  a  pity!  Er— because  I  should 
rather  like  to  know.  (He  is  now  fumbling  wiih  the  letter.) 

KEBLE.    You're  trying  to  open  it,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Eh  ? 

KEBLE  (firmly).    You're  going  to  open  that  letter. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Yes. 

KEBLB.    You've  no  right,  six,  to  open  that  letter. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (sternly).  I'm  a  foolish,  feeble  old  man,  but  I've 
got  the  devil's  own  will,  and  I  mean  to  see  what's  inside  this  letter. 
(Opening  letter.) 

KEBLE.    You  won't. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    I  win. 

KEBLE.    Give  me  that  letter. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    I  shall  do  nothing  of  the  kind. 

KEBLE.    Then  I  shall  take  it  from  you. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    You  will  do  nothing  of  the  kind. 

KEBLE.    Oh,  don't  talk  nonsense,  sir.    Give  me  that  letter. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    You  impudent  scoundrel  I 

KEBLB.    Oh,  come  here  1    (Seizing  the  old  man.)    Give  it  nr>e ! 

fHe  swings  him  violently  round.  MB.  BULLIVANT  staggers  andfattt 
back  into  the  chair,  holding  the  letter.  There  is  a  struggk,  and 
though  the  old  man  retains  the  letter  he  is  almost  overcome  by  tht 
rough  treatment  from  KEBLE,  who  it  now  furious.  KEBLB  release* 
the  old  man  and  stands  with  hit  back  to  MR.  BULLIVANT,  hiding 
him  from  view  of  RUDDOCK,  who  enters.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  I  want  to  see  what's  in  this  letter.  (Dropping 
letter  on  floor  R.  of  chair.) 

KEBLB  (roughly).     You  must  do  nothing  of  the  sort. 

RUDDOCK.    Who  says  so  ?    (Moving  L.C.  towards  KEBLE.) 

KEBLE  (blustering).    I  say  BO. 

RUDDOCK  (gets  c.).  Then  say  it  downstairs — to — the  black- 
beetles. 

KEBLB.  What!  Yon (He  aims  blow  at  RUDDOCK,  v>ko 

dodges  it  and  simultaneously  ejects  KEBLE  from  room.) 

RUDDOCK  (firmly).    Downstairs  !  I 

(RUDDOCK,  after  watching  KEBLB  off,  turns  to  MR.  BULLIVANT.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (shows  sudden  feebleness).    Ruddock,  the  fellow 
nearly  choked  me. 
RUDDOCK.    What,  six  I 

(MR.  BULLIVANT  leaning  back  and  closing  his  eyes.    RUDDOCK  very 
anxiously  watching  him.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (getting  rapidly  more  feeble).  Not  so  good  with 
my  fists  as  I  used  to  be.  (Becomes  almost  unconscious.) 


TD  GRUMPY.  [ACT  in, 

(RuDDOCK  it  now  divided  between  two  emotions — his  interest  and 
intense  affection  for  kis  master  and  his  wild  curiosity  about  the  Utter. 
He  w  anxiously  watching  the  old  man.) 

RUDDOCK.    Pull  yourself  together,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Can't  you  get  me  something?  What  do  I 
generally  hare  when  I'm  ill,  Ruddock  ?  Something  stimulating. 
A  little — barley  water. 

RUDDOCK  (is  alarmed  at  the  old  man's  condition).  Brandy — drop 
o'  brandy— that's  what  you  want. 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (a  touch  of  the  old  irritability).  No — no  alcohol — 
never  touch  it ! 

(RUDDOCK  gets  brandy  from  up  stage  ;  returns  with  the  brandy.    He 
rouses  the  old  man  and  puts  the  glass  to  his  lips.) 

No— no — not  brandy.    No,  no  !  ^  ,/ , 

RUDDOCK.    Take  a  little  of  this  brandy,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    No,  no  ! 

RUDDOCK  (very  sternly).    You've  got  to  drink  this  brandy,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Oh,  Ruddock,  you're  unkind !  No,  I'd  rather 

not !  No (The  brandy  is  forced  upon  him.  He  drinks  and 

chokes.) 

RUDDOCK.    Don't  drink  too  much,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (at  last  sinks  back  into  his  chair,  panting  and 
coughing.  The  spirit  has  its  effect,  and  life  begins  to  return.  The 
old  man's  vigour  from  this  moment  gradually  increases  until  the  end- 
of  the  ACT.  He  comes  back  to  his  senses  first  of  all  by  a  long,  feeble 
sort  of  laugh).  Ah — ha,  ha  !  I  don't  know  what  the  devil  you've 
given  me,  Ruddock,  but  I  feel  a  wonderful  deal  better. 

RUDDOCK.    'Course  you  do,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    I  feel  happy,  Ruddock,  very,  very  happy. 

RUDDOCK.    'Course  you  do,  sir — done  you  good. 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (gradually  getting  happy).  Of  course  I  ought  not 
to  have  had  brandy,  Ruddock ;  you  know  I  make  it  a  rule  never  to 
touch  alcohol. 

RUDDOCK.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  It's  eztra — it's — extraordinary  the  in — invigor- 
ating effect  alcohol  has  upon  the  system,  Ruddock. 

RUDDOCK.    Ahem !    Yes,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (loudly).   I  feel  I  could  walk  forty  miles,  Ruddock ! 

RUDDOCK.    Yes,  sir — er — what  was  in  the  letter,  sir  ? 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (rises).  Nothing  like  exercise.  (Tottering.) 
Keeps  you  young.  I  suppose  I'm  too  advanced  in  years  to  ride  a 
bicycle  ?  (Going  to  fire-place.) 

RUDDOCK.    Yes,  sir.    What  have  you  done  with  tile  letter,  six  t 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (vaguely).    The  letter  ?     What  letter  ? 

RUDDOCK.    The  letter  to  Mr.  Jarvia. 


•  OT  1IL]  GRUMPY.  fl 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  I  got  it  from  the  valet.  The  scoundrel  nearly 
choked  me  !  Well,  well,  Ruddock,  where  is  it  ? 

RUDDOCK.     Haven't  you  got  it,  sir  ? 

Mn.  BULLIVANT.  Don't  be  foolish;  if  I  had  got  it,  should  I  ask 
you  ?  Where  is  it !  Where  is  it  T 

RUDDOCK.     It  was  in  your  hand,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    When  ? 

RUDDOCK.  When  I  went  for  the  brandy,  sir.  (Looking  on  floor 
for  Utter.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    I've  no  recollection 

RUDDOCK  (seeing  letter).    Here  it  is,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Ah  I  (Taking  it.)  Open — open — I  don't 
remember (Staggers.) 

(RUDDOCK  catches  him.) 

All  right.  I'm  all  right.  (Reading.)  "  I  have  changed  my  mind 
— I  am  not  going  with  you  to  Dover  " — going  with  him  to  Dover  1 — 
"  I  am  going  home.  About  the  camelia — I  now  notice  there  ifl  a 
hair  round  the  stem.  Whose  hair  ?  Is  that  why  you  were  so 
anxious  to  have  it  back  t  If  you  want  it  you  can  fetch  it." 

RUDDOCK.     The  hair ! 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Eh  ?     (Beginning  to  be  quite  himself  again.) 

RUDDOCK.    The  hair  round  the  camelia  ! 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Yes — it's  still  there,  Ruddock — it's  still  there. 
But  what  does  she  mean  about  going  with  him  to  Dover  ?  My  God  ! 
What  does  she  mean  by  that  ? 

RUDDOCK.    I  don't  like  the  look  of  it,  sir.    (Takes  letter.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Let  me  look  at  it  again.  Let  me  look  at  it 
again,  Ruddock.  (Reads.)  "  I  have  changed  my  mind." 

(JABVIS  comes  quietly  out  of  his  room  during  this,  and  is  crossing 
stealthily  past  window  at  back.  MR.  BULLIVANT  pauses,  his  expres- 
sion changes,  his  eyes  gleam.) 

"  I  am  not  going  with  you  to — Dover."  You're  in  the  light,  Rud- 
dock 1  How  can  I  see  to  read  with  your  shadow  on  the  letter  ? 

(At  ike  same  time  JABVIS,  realizing  his  mistake,  stoops  below  the  level 
of  the  window,  and  glides  out  of  the  room  ;  he  holds  the  door  so  that 
it  is  closed  all  but  a  few  inches.) 

(Continues  reading.)  "  I  am  going  home.  About  the  camelia — I 
now  notice  that  there  is  a  hair  round  the  stem.  Whose  hair  ?  It 
that  why  you  were  so  anxious  to  have  it  back  ?  If  you  want  it  yon 
can  fetch  it." 

RUDDOCK.    What  are  we  to  do  now,  sir  t 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  We  stay  in  London  to  be  sure.  I  must  see  Mr. 
Jarvis  before  I  go  back.  (Emphatically.)  We  shall  stay  in  London 
till  I  find 


ft  GRUMPY.  [Aor  HL 

RWDDOCK.    But,  sir 

MB.  BULLIVANT.     I  shall  not  go  home  until  I've  found  Mr.  Jarvis. 

(JABVIS  silently  closes  the  door  L.) 

RUDDOCK.    But,  sir,  I  don't  understand 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (clutching  RUDDOCK'S  arm).    Don't  be  foolish 

duddock  1 

(To  the  amazement  of  RUDDOCK — who  begins  to  fear  he  has  given  him 
too  much  brandy — MB.  BULLIVANT  begins  to  hum  the  air  of  "  The 
Spider  and  the  Fly."  Suddenly  he  breaks  off  in  the  middle  of  the 
tune.) 

Don't  be  a  fool,  Ruddock  !  Look  out  of  the  window  and  see  which 
way  he's  gone.  (Goes  to  settee  and  picks  up  hat.) 

RUDDOCK.    Who,  sir  ? 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Look  out  of  the  window  and  see 

RUDDOCK  (goes  to  window.  As  one  who  gives  unexpected  informa- 
tion). Mr.  Jarvis ! 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (as  he  does  so).    You're  in  the  light,  Ruddock. 

(RUDDOCK  stares  blankly  at  the  old  man.) 

When  I  told  you  you  were  a — just  now,  you  couldn't  have  been — 
now  could  you  I  (Bus. :  Putting  on  coat.) 

RUDDOCK.    I  thought  not  at  the  time,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Somebody  was. 

RUDDOCK  (staring  out  of  the  window).    Jarvis  !    Now  he's  gone 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    I  wanted  him  to  go. 

RUDDOCK.  Yes,  but  he  knows  Miss  Virginia  has  got  the  camelia 
he  knows  she  has  taken  it  home.  He'll  go  after  it  I  He'll  go  there, 
too. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  That's  where  I  wanted  him  to  go.  With  me 
searching  for  him  in  here,  he's  perfectly  safe  in  going  there.  Mr. 
Jarvis  is  no  good  to  me  without  the  camelia ;  the  camelia  is  no  good 
to  me  without  Mr.  Jarvis.  If  I  get  them  together 

RUDDOCK.    You  get  the  diamond  I 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Ruddock,  you're  brilliant!  (Sings.)  "  Will 
you  walk  into  my  parlour,  said  the  Spider  to  the  Fly."  (Business.} 

(The  CUBTAIN  falls.) 
(ACT  plays  30  minutes.) 


ACT  IV 

The  SCENE  is  the  tame  as  ACTS  I  and  II. 

(It  it  niglit  time.  When  the  curtain  rises  the  stage  is  empty,  then  MERRI- 
DEW,  the  servant,  enters,  holding  door  open,  and  VIRGINIA  enter*, 
having  just  arrived  from  London.) 

MEKRIDEW.    We  didn't  expect  you  back  to-night,  Miss. 

VIRGINIA.  How  is  Mr.  Ernest  ?  (Goes  to  below  R.  end  of  table  and 
puts  bag,  hat  and  gloves  on  it.) 

MERRIDEW.    Well,  he's  better,  Miss,  and — er — he  isn't  better. 

VIRGINIA.    What  do  you  mean  ? 

MERRIDEW.  Well,  Miss — he's — he's Well,  soon  after  you 

left  this  morning,  Miss — he — soon  after  the  master  left 

VIRGINIA.    Mr.  Bullivant  went  to  London  ? 

MERRIDEW.    Yes,  Miss  ;    didn't  you  know  ? 

VIRGINIA.    No.    Go  on,  tell  me  of  Mr.  Ernest. 

MERRIDEW.  Well,  soon  after  the  master  left — Mr.  Ernest  sud- 
denly got  very  much  better 

VIRGINIA.     Very  much  better.  .  .  .    Did  he  speak  ? 

MERRIDEW.    Well — er — yes,  Miss,  he  did. 

VIRGINIA.    What  did  he  say  ? 

MERRIDEW.    He  seemed  to  have  something  on  his  mind. 

VIRGINIA.    Something  on  his  mind  ? 

MERRIDEW.    And  if  I  may  say  so,  Miss,  he  used  dreadful  language, 

VIRGINIA.    Swore  ? 

MERRIDEW.    Something  shocking,  Miss. 

VIRGINIA.    Just  like  his  old  self,  Merridew  t 

MERRIDEW.     Yes,  Miss. 

VIRGINIA.    Something  on  his  mind,  you  say ! 

(A  crash  is  heard  off.     Loud  voices — then  ERNEST'S  voice  it  heard 

above  all.) 

ERNEST  (off).    Clear  out  of  this  damned  room. 

(ERNEST  enters,  his  head  bandaged  and  a  generally  wild  appearance. 
He  is  violently  excited.  The  moment  he  enters  he  turnt  to  the  door, 
and  shouts  off.) 

Clear  out,  I  don't  want  any  of  you. 

(SUSAN  follows  him  on.    VIRGINIA  goet  to  him.) 
73 


T4  GRUMPY.  [Ao*  IT. 

VIRGINIA.    Ernest 

ERNEST  (turning  wildly  on  her).    Jinny  !    Tell  'em  to  go  away- 
tell  'em  to  leave  me  alone. 
VIRGINIA.    Merridew,  leave  Mr.  Ernest  with  me. 

(MERRIDKW  and  SUSAN  exeunt  B.    VIRGINIA  leads  ERNEST  to  * 

chair  c.) 

ERNEST  (exhausted — leaning  "back,  VIRGINIA  near  Mm,  below  tatk 
c.).  I'm  BO  heartily  tired,  Jinny — and  yet  I  can't  rest. 

VIRGINIA  (Icneelt  H.  of  him).    You  must. 

EENEST.    I  can't — I  mustn't — till  I've  found  it. 

VIRGINIA.    Found  what,  dear  ? 

ERNEST  (taking  no  notice  of  VIRGINIA).  The  whole  business  will 
come  out — I'm  done  I 

VIRGINIA.    Tell  me,  Ernest,  what  is  it  you  mean  ? 

ERNEST  (looking  fixedly  at  her — putting  his  arms  round  her).  You 
— Virginia — little  Jinny — you — I'd  got  it  all  quite  clear  in  my  mind 
— I  was  going  to  marry  you — and  we  were  going  to  work  jolly  hard 
and  make  heaps  of  money,  and — now  it's  all  gone  I 

VIRGINIA.    What  do  you  mean,  Ernest  ? 

ERNEST.  When  I  arrived  here  last  night  I  was  in  charge  of  a 
valuable  diamond — when  you'd  all  gone  to  bed  I  saw  a  shadow  on 
the  blind,  then  I  saw  an  arm  through  that  door — the  lights  went  out 
— we  struggled — I  don't  know — and  to-day  when  I  came  to  my 
senses — it's  gone ! 

VIRGINIA.    The  diamond 

ERNEST.  My  chief  in  London  will  send  some  one  down  here — 
sure  to — "  Well,  Mr.  Heron,  where  is  the  diamond  ?  "  "  I've  lost 
it !  "  (Laughing  wiMly,  rises,  and  goes  to  fire.)  Lost  it !  1  wish  to 
God  the  fellow  had  killed  me,  then  there  might  have  been  some 
excuse. 

VIRGINIA.  Hush — hush — you  must  forget  all  this.  (Follows 
him.) 

ERNEST.  Forget  it !  I  wish  to  Heaven  I  could — if  I  could  only 
forget  it  for  a  moment — just  one  or  two  minutes — a  rest  from  it. 
(Below  R.  end  of  table.) 

VIRGINIA.    I'll  make  you  forget. 

ERNEST.  Nothing  will  ever  make  me  forget.  (Back  to  audience 
R.C.) 

VIRGINIA.  Yes  it  shall.  When  I  went  to  London  to-day  I  went 
'to  a  man's  rooms 

ERNEST  (taking  no  notice).  When  I'm  asked  "  Where  is  th« 
diamond  ?  "  and  I  have  to  say  "  I've  lost  it,"  it  means  I've  lo»t 
everything  worth  living  for ! 

VIRGINIA.     The  man  made  love  to  me.     (Going  to  him  R.) 

ERNEST.    Everything  worth  living  for — gone  ! 

The  man  made  love  to  me.    (A*uther  step  forward.} 


ACT  I?.]  OSUMPT.  75 

ERNEST.    If  only  Grumpy  had  put  it  in  the  safe.     (Gets  to  R.C.) 
VIRGINIA.    A  man  made  love  to  me,  and  I  didn't  stop  him. 

(She  it  now  below  B.  end  of  table.) 

ERNEST  (taking  a  step  or  so  back  before  it  breaks  on  him).    A  man 
made  love  to  you,  and  you  allowed  it ! 
VIRGINIA    Yea. 

ERNEST.    You  didn't  ?     (Roughly.) 
VIRGINIA..    I  did — it  was  horrid  of  me,  but  I  did! 

(Suddenly  ERNEST   has   her  in  his  arms,   and  holds  her  till  sh* 
can  hardly  breathe.) 

ERWEST.    If  ever  you  dare  to  let  a  man  make  love  to  you  again— 

I'll 

VIRGINIA  (gasping  for  breath).    Ernest  1 

ERNEST.     You  understand  now  1 

VIRGINIA.    Yes. 

ERNEST.    You'll  be  a  good  girl ! 

VIRGINIA.    Yes. 

ERNEST.    No  more  tricks  f 

VIRGINIA.    No. 

ERNEST.    That's  right. 

(Pause.) 

ERNEST  releases  her — and  grows  moody  again  VIRGINIA  takes 
handkerchief  out  of  her  bag  and  camelia  with  if.  Tfie  camelia 
fatts  on  floor.) 

What's  that  thing  f 

VIRGINIA.    Oh,  nothing.    (Crosses  L.) 

ERNEST  (crossing  L.).    His,  I  suppose  ? 

VIRGINIA.  Yes.  (She  throws  it  towards  tJtc  fire-place ;  it  falls  shorl 
and  drops  on  the  rug.) 

ERNEST.    Better  tell  me  all  about  it.    (Sits  L.C.) 

VIRGINIA.  Well — when  I  went  to  town  he  asked  me  to  go  and  see 
him — and — and — I  went,  and  when  I  got  there — he  was  inclined  to 
be  sentimental. 

ERNEST.    Go  on. 

VIRGINIA.  Well — then  he  was  going  away  later — abroad — and 
asked  me  to  go  and  see  him  off,  and  I  said  I  would — and  I  meant  to, 
but  after  I  had  left  his  rooms  I  changed  my  mind.  (During  the& 
wo  speeches  she  walks,  agitatedly,  round  c.  table.) 

ERNEST.    Why  ? 

VIRGINIA.    Well,  I  did.    (Crosses  L.) 

ERNEST.    What  made  you  ? 

VIRGINIA  (turning  to  him).  You — I  thought  of  you — and  I  knew 
how  horrid  it  all  was  of  me.  I  cried  in  the  train  till  I  looked  a  sight, 


70  GRUMPY.  [Aor  IV 

and  here  I  am  and,  oh,  Ernest,  do  let's  get  married,  and  then  TA 
settle  down.  (Goes  to  him  and  kneels  L.  of  him.) 

ERNEST  (solemnly).    I  wish  to  God  we  could  get  married. 

VIRGINIA.    Grumpy  wants  us  to. 

ERNEST.    Grumpy  ? 

VIRGINIA.    Yes,  he's  always  saying  so. 

ERNEST.    Is  he  ? 

VIRGINIA.    Yes,  every  night  almost. 

ERNEST.    Saying  he  wants  us  to  get  married  f 

VIRGINIA.    Not  in  so  many  words,  but  he  means  it. 

ERNEST.    What  does  he  say,  dear  ?  \ 

VIRGINIA.  Well,  every  night  when  I  am  in  his  arms  and  he's 
kissing  me  good  night,  he  says  oh,  what  a — oh,  what  a — what  a 
damned  fool  Ernest  is. 

ERNEST  (laughs,  then  after  a  pause  the  shutting  of  the  haU  door  is 
heard).  What's  that  ? 

VIRGINIA.  It  must  be  Grumpy  come  back.  (Crosses  below  table 
and  fetches  hat  and  cloak  and  then  up  to  door  L.)  He  mustn't  see  me. 
He  thinks  I'm  at  Aont  Sophie's.  I  shall  have  to  explain  and  tell 
Kim  everything.  I  don't  feel  I  could  do  that  just  now.  I'll  go  tc 
my  room — don't  tell  him  where  I  am,  Ernest.  (Going  to  door  L., 
opens  door  with  B.  hand  and  lets  it  swing  back  behind.) 

ERNEST.    He  won't  be  angry. 

VIRGINIA.    He  might  bo 

(Both  at  door  L.) 
STou  forgive  me,  Ernest  ! 

(She  holds  her  hand  out.  ERNEST  kisses  it.  She  goes  off.  ERNEST  is 
alone.  He  stands  by  the  table  as  he  was  wlwn  alone  in  ACT  I. 
He  is  thinking  of  the  diamond,  and  carefully  goes  through  the  same 
actions  as  he  did  before  the  robbery.  The  door  now  quietly  opens — 
ERNEST  sees  this,  and  is  for  a  moment  transfixed.  Then  JARVIS 
comes  in.) 

ERNEST.    Why,  Mr.  Jarvia.    (With  a  start.) 

JARVIS.    I  beg  your  pardon,  I  didn't 

ERNEST  (coming  to  himself).  Forgive  me — er — how  are  you  ?  I 
didn't  know  you  were  expected.  You  coming  through  the  door  at 
that  moment 

JAB  vis  (up  to  top  of  settee).  I'm  not  expected — and  I  shan't  be 
here  more  than  a  few  minutes,  anyhow. 

ERNEST.    Surely  you're  not  thinking  of  going  back  to-night  I 

JARVIS.  Oh  yes,  I  must.  I'm  going  abroad  by  the  early  morning 
boat — I — (crosses  L.c.) — was  going  to-night,  but  I  want  to  see  Miss 
Bullivant  first — there's  something  I  want  to  sav  to  fee*  before  I  go. 
They  told  me  she  was  here.  - 

BBXXST.    Oh  yes. 


Aon  IV.]  GRUMPY.  77 

(JABVIB  behind  table  L.  end.    MERRIDEW  enters  B.,  with  a  tray  con- 
taining decanters  and  syphon.) 

JARVIS.    Mr.  Bullivant  is  in  London — isn't  he  ? 

ERNEST.  Yes.  He  went  this  morning,  and  hasn't  come  back  yet. 
(Gomes  down.  To  MERRIDEW.)  Mr.  Bullivant  hasn't  come  back  yet, 
has  he  ? 

MERBIDEW.    No,  sir. 

[Puts  whisky,  etc.,  on  L.  of  table  C.  and  crosses  below  table,  sees  copy 
of  "  Daily  Telegraph  "  lying  on  floor,  picks  it  up,  and  puts  it  in 
music-ixibinet ;  then  he  notices  camelia  lying  on  skin  rug  tr»  front  of 
fire,  picks  it  up,  and  is  about  to  throw  it  in  the  grate  but  there  is  no 
fire.  He  hesitates,  and  then  seeing  a  bowl  of  white  flowers  on  the  table 
he  puts  it  in  among  them,  arranging  them  and  moving  them  about  a 
little  so  that  the  camelia  is  unnoticeable  with  the  rest.  This  is  unseen 
by  the  two  men.) 

ERNEST  (to  JARVIS).    Cigarette  1 

JABVIS.    No,  thank  you. 

ERNEST.    I  must.    I  haven't  had  a  smoke  since 

JARVIS  gives  ERNEST  a  light.  While  MERRIDEW  is  putting  the 
camelia  into  the  bowl  there  is  silence  between  the  two  men  ;  ERNEST 
lighting  his  cigarette,  JARVIS  holding  the  match.) 

I'm  glad  to  have  this  chance  of  seeing  you  again.  I've  wanted  to 

tell  you  how — er — very  grateful  I  am  for It  was  devilish 

good  of  you  to — er — to  do — what  you  did. 

JARVIS.    I  merely  did  what 

ERNEST.  Oh,  I  know.  You  were  up  all  night — rushing  here, 
there  and  everywhere — doctor  and — it  was  good  of  you.  And  I  say 
— if  ever  I  can  do  anything  for  you,  you  know — and — er — er — well, 
you  know. 

(Exit  MERRIDEW  B.) 
JABVIS.    Thanks — yes. 

(Pause.) 

ERNEST  (sits  R.,  on  settee).  Deuced  funny  your  coming  in  at  that 
door,  you  know  !  I  was — er — I  was  just  standing  by  the  window — 
as  I  did  last  night — an  arm  came  through  the  door — nothing  eke — 
•aw  nothing  else. 

JARVIS.    You  saw  nothing  ?     (Is  pouring  himself  out  a  drink.) 

ERNEST.  Nothing  but  the  arm,  and  then,  when  you  came  through 
the  door  just  now,  it  was — er — it  was  funny. 

JARVIS.    Yes. 

ERNEST.  But  here  am  I  talking  all  about  myself.  You — er— 
you  want  to  see  Miss  Bullivant  ? 


78  GRUMPY.  IAOT  IV. 

JARVIS.    Well— yes — I  did 

(Pause.) 

ERNEST.  She — er — she  told  me — something  when  she  returned — 
I — er— expect  it  was  yon. 

JABVIS  (after  a  moment).    What  did  she  tell  you  ? 

ERNEST.    Well,  she  told  me  that— er (Pause.)    Do  you  know 

that  Virginia  and  I  are — er — well,  we've  made  up  our  minds — 
we're— er — well,  we're  engaged. 

JARVIS.    I  didn't  know.    (Drinks.) 

ERNEST.  Well,  you've  been  to  awfully  decent  to  me  that  I 
thought  I'd  tell  you.  (Pause.)  It's  a  bit  rough  on  you,  but — er— 
well,  these  things  happen,  don't  they  ?  And  now  I'm  afraid  yonr 
journey  here  has  all  been  for  nothing — and  your  time  so  short,  too — I 
say,  I  am  sorry. 

JARVIS.  It  must  have  seemed  rather  odd  to  you,  my  coming  at 
this  time  of  night. 

ERNEST.  Oh,  I  understand.  Besides,  I  don't  think  we  stop  to 
consider  the  time — in  these  cases — I — er — I'm  a  lueky  beggar,  ain't 
I  ?  I'm  sorry  for  you,  but  in  a  way  I'm  glad.  It's  good  to  know 
other  men  are  keen — and — she's — she's  ripping,  isn't  she  1 

JARVIS  (gets  c.)    How  did  you  know  that  I 1 

ERNEST.    Well — she — she  told  me. 

JARVIS.    Told  you  I 

ERNEST.  She  didn't  say  who — but — well,  I  saw  quite  by  accident 
a  flower. 

(This  at  once  arrests  JARVIS'S  attention.) 

And — er — I  asked  her — and  she — she  told  me.    I  didn't  know,  of 
course,  that  you — er 

JARVIS.    What — what  became  of  that  flower  ?     (Going  to  settee.) 

ERNEST  (carekssly).    The  flower,  why  I (Then    suddenly 

terious.)    Why— you're  keen  on  it,  eh !    She  threw  it  away. 

JARVIS.    Threw  it  away  ? 

ERNEST.    Yes — just  there. 

JABVIS  (looking).    Here  ?    (Going  over  to  jvre-jHace.) 

ERNEST.    Must  be  there  now. 

JABVIS.    No,  it  doesn't  seem  to  be— — 

ERNEST.    Some  one  must  have  taken  it. 

JARVIS.    But — er — who  1 

ERNEST  (almost  unconsciously).    Could  Virginia—— 

JARVIB.    You're  sure  it  was  here  ?     (Stitt  looking.) 

ERNEST.  Now,  I  wonder  where  the  devil  it  can  have  got  to  1 
Virginia  might  have — I'll  ask  her — or  p'raps  you  might  like  to  ask 
her — (crosses  up  L.) — yourself. 

JARVIS.    Would  you  mind  ! 
'Course  not 


A.CT  IV.]  GRUMPY.  79 

JARVIS  (crotting  B.).     I'd  rather  like  to  ask  her  for  the  flower 
myself  if  you're  quite  sure  you  don't  mind.    (Exits  R.) 
ERNEST  (stands  a  moment  looking  after  him).    Poor  beggar! 

(Turns  and  walk*  to  where  she  threw  camelia,  and  looks  on  the  floor. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  enters  through  window  o.,  followed  by  RUDDOCK,  vho 

takes  his  hat.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Ernest  1  Down — madness  1  My  dear  boy,  I 
;an't  tell  you  how  glad  I  am.  But  this  is  madness.  (To  RUDDOCK 
dho  is  taking  off  his  coat.)  What  the  devil  are  you  doing  with  my 
coatt 

(RUDDOCK  exits  L.  with  coat  and  hat.) 

Ton  must  have  quiet.    Rest  and  quiet.    (Going  down  to  door  B.) 

ERNEST.  There's  no  quiet  for  me,  sir — you  know  I've  lost  the 
diamond. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Eh !  Yes,  yes,  I  know.  Where  is  Virginia  ? 
(At  door — opening  it.) 

ERNEST.    You  don't  realize,  sir — I've  lost  the  diamond. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Yes,  I  do.    Where  is  Virginia  ? 

ERNEST.  She  was  here  a  moment  ago — she  ran  away — afraid  to 
meet  you. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Afraid  to  meet  me !    (Comes  o.) 

ERNEST.  Well,  she's  been  in  one  of  her  scrapes,  you  know,  and 
oh,  it  wasn't  anything  serious — and  she's  very  repentant — it  was  the 
merest  flirtation.  She  simply  got  to  the  faded  flower  stage. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Faded  flower  ?    (Above  table.) 

ERNEST.    Well,  she  had  a  flower  of  his  in  her  bag. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (very  anxious).  Yes,  yes — was  it — er — what  sort 
of  flower  was  it ! 

ERNEST.    Er — a  camelia  ! 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (scarcely  able  to  speak).  Camelia — did  you  say 
camelia  ? 

ERNEST.    Yes. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Where  is  it  now  !    (Going  L.) 

ERNEST.  Er — she — er — (looking  towards  fire-place) — threw  it  over 
here. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (hurriedly  going  to  fire-place  and  searching).  Orer 
here  1  You're  sure  she  threw  it  here  ? 

ERNEST.    Yes,  but — er (Crosses  to  E.C.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Somebody  must  have  moved  it. 

ERNEST.  Yes,  but  there  was  nothing  at  all  serious.  Virginia 
told  me  all  about  it. 

MR.  BQLLIVANT.  Somebody  must  have — who's  been  here  I  Ah  I 
(Be  sees  decanters  on  the  table.}  That  ass  Merridew  !  He's  been  in 
here,  hasn't  he  ?  With  the  whisky  and  soda.  (Going  up  c.) 

ERNEST.  Yes — but,  sir,  you're  not  going  to  be  angry  with  Virginia 
about 


80  GRUMPY.  [Aor  IV. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (to  ERNEST).    Here,  find  Merridew. 

ERNEST.    But  I  assure  you 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Do  as  I  tell  you,  send  Merridew  to  me.  (Uf 
c.)  Ruddock  1  Ruddock  I  Where  the  devil  do  they  all  get  to  ? 

(ERNEST  exits.  MR.  BULLIVANT  starts  searching  for  the  camelia,  goef 
to  coal-box,  then  fire-place,  lifts  up  rug,  turns  paper  out  of  paper- 
cabinet,  then  up  to  easy-chair,  then  over  to  table,  empties  waste-paper 
basket  on  to  table,  then  putts  out  chair  in  front  of  table,  gets  on  hit 
knees,  looks  under  table.  As  lie  is  doing  this  JARVIS  enters.  MR 
BULLIVANT  hides  behind  table,  but  after  a  second  gets  up  on  his  knee; 
and  watches  him  over  table.  JARVIS  searches  settee,  and  isjustgoin$ 
to  table  when  he  comes  face  to  face  with  MR.  BULLIVANT.  The$ 
stare  blankly  at  each  other  for  a  moment.) 

(Blandly,  without  rising).  Ah,  Mr.  Jarvis.  Charmed  I  Charmed  1 
Looking  for  something,  weren't  you  ? 

JARVIS  (surprised,  but  assuming  pleasure  at  meeting  him).  Mr. 
Bullivant !  I'd  no  idea — I  thought — I've  just  been  told  you  wert 
in  London. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  So  I  was,  but  I  came  back  to  look  for  something 
— so  glad  I'm  here  in  time  to — to  welcome  you.  You've  paid  me  * 
great  compliment,  Mr.  Jarvis.  No  sooner  do  you  leave  us  than  you 
return.  Charming  of  you. 

JARVIS.     I  really  must  apologize  for 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Not  at  all — not  at  all — it  must  have  been  some- 
thing very  important  for  you  to  come  all  this  way  for  it. 

JARVIS  (decidedly).    Well,  yes,  it  was. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Ah,  I  thought  so. 

JARVIS.  When  I  got  back  to  town  I  missed — a — a  little  souvenir 
— it  was  of  no  value  to  anyone  except  to  myself — matter  of  sentiment, 
you  know 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Charming — sentiment  so  rare  and  refreshing  in 
these  days — so  you  came  back  to  look  for  it  yourself  instead  of 
writing  and  having  busybodies  prying  into  your  romance — eh  ? 

JARVIS.     Yes,  yes,  that's  it. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Charming — charming,  so  here  we  are,  you  and 
I,  both  looking  for  something. 

During  the  foregoing  they  both  look  around  for  the  camelia,  trying  to 
hide  ike  fact  from  each  other.  They  finiah  close  to  table  L.  By  this 
time  JARVIS  has  taken  up  the  bowl  which  contains  the  flower  fromthe 
table.  MERRIDEW  now  enters  R.) 

(Seeing  MERRIDEW — instantly).  When  you  were  in  this  room  just 
now,  did  you  see  anything  on  the  floor  ? 

(JARVIS,  with  bowl  in  hit  hand,  listens  eagerly.) 
MERRIDEW  (R.).     Oh,  a — a — camelia,  sir. 


ACT  IV.]  GRUMPY.  81 

JABVIS  (L.    Staring  at  MEBRIDEW).    Yea. 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (c.  Looks  at  JABVIS,  then  to  MERBIDEW;.  Yes. 
yes. 

MEBRIDEW.    Yes,  sir. 

MB.  BDLLIVANT.    What  did  you  do  with,  it  1 

MERRIDEW  (a  little  nervous).    I — er — I 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Yes,  yes,  come,  quick  1  What  did  you  do  with 
it? 

MEBRIDEW  (desperately).  1  put  it  in  that  bowl,  sir.  (Pointing  to 
bowl  in  JARVIS'S  hand.) 

(In  an  instant  JABVIS  has  his  hand  in  the  bowl.  At  the  same  moment 
MB.  BULLIVANT  hits  the  bowl  out  of  JABVIS'S  hand,  and  it  fatts  to 
the  ground  and  breaks  into  piecet.  The  flowers  are  scattered  about 
the  floor.  Like  lightning  they  both  make  a  dash  at  them,  MB.  BULLI- 
VANT getting  the  camelia.  As  JABVIS  grabs  for  it  MB.  BULLIVANT 
quickly  puts  it  behind  his  back.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (smiling).  Oh,  oh,  Mr.  Jarvis — oh  no  !  Findings 
keepings  1 

(JABVIS  stands  sullenly — unable  to  do  or  say  anything.) 
Don't  go,  Merridew. 

(JABVIS  make*  a  move  for  the  window.) 
Merridew  !    After  him — quick  I 

(Enter  DAWSON  c.,  meeting  JABVIS.) 
Tell  Mr.  Ernest  I  wish  to  see  him. 

(MERRIDEW  opens  door  B.    EBNEST  enters.) 

(To  DAWSON.)    Tell  Miss  Virginia  and  her  maid  Susan  to  come  to  me. 
Ah,  there  you  are,  Ernest.     Sit  down  1 

(MEBBIDEW  glands  c.,  by  window;  DAWSON  goes  L.  and  opens 
door,  is  met  by  VIRGINIA  coming  on  ;  she  enters  wonderingly.) 

VIBQINIA  (seeing  JABVIS).    Mr.  Jarvis,  why,  when 

MB.  BULLIVANT  (who  has  gone  to  table  and  is  sitting  down.  To 
VIRGINIA).  Hush ! 

(SUSAN  enters  L.  DAWSON  exits  L.) 

(Seeing    SUSAN — producing    the   camelia  from   behind   his    back} 
Susan 

(SUSAN  comes  forward  a  little.) 

Is  this  the  camelia  you  gave  Mr.  Ernest  last  night! 
SUSAN  (looking  close  at  it).    Yes,  sir. 


81  GRUMPY.  [Aor  IV. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    You're  sure  1 

SUSAN.     Quite  sure. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    That  will  do. 

(SusAN  exits  L.). 
Erneott 

(ERNEST  rise*  and  goes  to  MB.  BULLIVAJTT.) 

IB  this  the  camelia  Susan  gave  you  last  night  I 
ERNEST.    Yes,  sir. 
MR.  BULLIVANT.    You're  sure  1 
ERNEST.    Quite  sure. 
MB.  BULLIVANT.    That  will  do. 

(ERNEST  sits  on  settee  again.) 
Virginia 

(VIRGINIA  goes  to  him.) 

Is  this  the  camelia  you  had  from  Mr.  Jarvis  this  morning  1 

VIRGINIA.    Yes. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    You're  sure  1 

VIRGINIA.    Quite  sure. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Ah  I  That  will  do.  (Looking  pleasantly  round 
at  them  all.)  This  is  really  very  interesting.  Virginia,  my  dear- 

VIRGINIA.    "  My  dear  " — something  serious  1 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Tell  Ruddock  I  want  him.  I  think  you  will 
find  him  La  my  room. 

(VIRGINIA  goes  out.) 
Ernest,  I  wish  to  speak  to  Mr.  Jarvia  alone.    Merridew,  don't  go. 

(MERRIDEW,  who  wtu  going  off  L. — stops.) 
Wait  outside  the  window. 

(MERRIDEW  is  going.) 
Merridew,  quite  close  outside  the  window. 
(ERNEST  goes  out.) 

MERRIDEW.    Yes,  sir.    (Goes  out  and  closes  win/low  after  him.) 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Now,  Mr.  Jarvis,  where  did  you  get  this  camelia 
from  ? 

JARVIS.    You — er — you  must  give  me  a  moment (Leaning  on 

mantelpiece.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (cheerfutty).    Oh,  there's  plenty  of  time— it's  not 
yet  midnight. 
,    JABVIB.    I — er — I  want  to  think— 


ACT  IV.  J  GRUMPY.  81 

MB.  BULLIVAUT  (pleasantly).    Yes.    Won't  you  sit  down  ! 
(JAB via  makes  movement  at  if  to  strike  Wm.> 

(Long  pause.) 

Sou  don't  seem  able  to  tell  me  what  you  think.  Shall  I  tell  you 
what  I  think  ?  Under  the  cloak  of  my  hospitality  you  creep  into 
my  house.  You  rob,  with  violence,  a  member  of  my  family,  and  in 
order  to  shield  yourself  for  that  crime  you  attempt  to  compromise 
one  who  is  dear  to  me.  For  that  the  law  gives  me  no  redress — for 
this  robbery,  however,  I  can  treat  you  as  I  should  any  other  ruffian 
who  enters  my  house  with  felonious  intent — I  can  hand  you  over  to 
the  police 

(RUDDOOK  enter*  L.) 
What  the  devil  do  you  want ! 

(RUDDOCK  holds  up  slippers  for  him  to  tee — B.  of  him.  It  on  his  knee* 
taking  off  MB.  BULLIVANT'S  boots  and  putting  on  slippers  during 
following  scene.) 

Talking  of  the  police ;  I  have  something  interesting  to  tell  you. 
After  I  left  your  rooms  this  afternoon — 

(RUDDOCK  is  untying  his  boott.) 

— take  care,  Ruddock,  take  care — I  called  at  Scotland  Yard — take 
care,  Ruddock,  take  care — to  make  a  few  inquiries — oh,  Ruddock  ! — 
(Striking  him  on  the  head  as  he  removes  boot.) — and  found,  as  I  sus- 
pected, that  you  were  known.  Mr.  Jarvis  was  known,  wasn't  he, 
Ruddock  ? 

RUDDOCK.    Yes,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  Yes,  you  were  known,  Mr.  Jarvis.  Yes — and — 
there  was  something  else  they  told  us  about  Mr.  Jarvis.  What  waa 
it,  Ruddock,  what  was  it  ? 

RUEDOCK.    He  was  wanted,  sir. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    He  was  what ! 

RUDDOCK.    He  was  wanted,  sir. 

Mt».  BULLIVANT.  Oh,  of  course — of  course — you  were  wanted, 
Mr.  Jarvis.  Yes,  you  were  wanted  for  some  little  affair  in — «r — in — 
we — where  was  it,  Ruddock  ? 

RUDDOCK.    Manchester,  sir. 

MB.    BULLIVANT.    Of   course — of   course — yes — in   Manchester. 

(The  clock  strikes  twelve  as  in  ACT  I ;  as  it  strikes  VIBCHNIA  enters.) 

VIRGINIA  (at  the  door — laughing).    Philippine,  Mr.  Jarvis.    Philip- 
pine.   I've  won  ;   it's  to-morrow.     (Goes  forward  to  him — smiling.) 
JARVIS.     So  it  is.    You've  won  after  all. 


§4  GRUMPY.  [Aor  19. 

VIRGINIA.    Ye§.    I  told  you  I  should. 

(Ms.  BULWVANT  with  a  gesture  caUs  VIRGINIA  to  him.) 

Ma.  BULLIVANT.  Philippine !  Ah,  charming — many  a  time  in 
the  old  days — ah,  yes — so  you've  lost,  eh  ?  Ah — ah,  Mr.  Jarvis — 
don't  be  downhearted — I  always  used  to  lose  ;  many  a  pair  of  glove§ 
• — or — or — bouquets  have  I  presented  to  the  fair  ones.  Sometimes— 
(slowly  and  carefully) — sometimes  it  might  even  be  a  little  bit  of — 
er — jewellery. 

(Pause.) 
fou  follow  met 

(Pause.) 

No  ?  Oh,  you  don't  follow  me.  Ah — pity !  We  were  speaking  of 
— er — Manchester,  and  the  more  I  think  of  Manchester  the  more 
vividly  I  remember  how  eager  those  friends  of  yours  were  to  see  you 
again. 

(Pause.) 

If  you  should  meet — and  they  were  to — er — discover  in  your  posses- 
sion any — er — anything  you  might  find  it  difficult  to  account  for 
it  would  be — er — awkward,  wouldn't  it  ? 

VIRGINIA  (who  is  puzzled).    Grumpy !    What  are  you ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (reproving  her  for  interrupting).  My  dear,  my 
dear.  You  follow  me  ?  Of  course,  Manchester  is  no  concern  of 
mine,  and  if  by  chance  you  have  anything  you  didn't  feel  quite 
comfortable  about — and — er — you  felt  you'd  like  to  get  rid  of  it — of 
course — Virginia  has  won,  hasn't  she  ?  And — (meaningly) — neither 
Mr.  Heron  nor  I  have  any  desire  to  mention  that  it  has  gone  astray. 

(Pause.) 
(JARVIS  smiles  knowingly.) 

Follow  me  ?  I  knew  it.  I  can  see  it  in  your  eye.  You  follow  m« 
now  ? 

(JARVIS,  after  a  slight  pause,  makes  a  move  to  the  window.     Rui>- 
DOCK  moves  in  front  of  it — bus.) 

JARVIS.  Perfectly.  (Accepting  the  situation  he  takes  the  packet 
containing  the  diamond  out  of  his  pocket ;  he  assumes  an  air  of  easy 
politeness,  and  speaks  to  Virginia  as  if  nothing  unusual  had  occurred. 
Grosses  to  below  L.  end  of  table.)  And  now,  Miss  Bullivant — about 
that  Philippine — of  course,  I  knew  all  along  that  you  were  sure  to 
win,  and  I  made  up  my  mind  what  my  forfeit  should  be.  I  hope 
you'll  like  it — but  I'm  going  to  ask  you  not  to  look  at  it  until  aftet 
I'm  gone.  Here  it  ia  1 


IV.  J  GRUMPY.  M 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  I'll  take  care  of  it  till  then.  (Takes  diamond, 
tken  hands  camelia  to  JARVIS.)  Philippine  1  (Crosses  behind  table  to 
lamp  L.) 

VIRGINIA  (wondering  and  half  laughing).  How  mysterious — you 
know  what  it  is,  Grumpy  ?  Thank  you,  Mr.  Jarvis — but,  really,  I — 
I  don't  understand. 

JARVIS.     Oh,  Mr.  Bullivant  will  explain — won't  you,  sir  ? 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  Yes,  I'll  explain — I'll  explain  !  (Pause,  then 
most  affably.)  Do  you  know,  you're  looking  er — worn.  A  little 
tired.  (Coming  round  below  JARVIS  to  R.  side  of  him.)  Eh?  Ah — 
so  am  I.  We  won't  either  of  us  be  able  to  run  about  as  w«  used  to 
do,  shall  we  ?  (He  signals  to  RUDDOCK.) 

RUDDOCK.    Nothing  more  you  wish  to  ask  Mr.  Jarvis,  sir  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (is  below  table  c. — severely).  Ruddock — on  more 
than  one  occasion  I've  had  reason  to  speak  to  you  about  this  habit  of 

yours  of  breaking  in  when  I'm  talking  to  a — to  a  gent (To 

JARVIS.)  Well,  no,  Mr.  Jarvis,  I  don't  think  there  is  anything 
more. 

JARVIS.  Ah  !  (Crosses  R.)  Then  I'm  just  in  nice  time  to  catch 
that  last  train.  (Puts  the  camelia  in  his  buttonhole  and  turns  to 
VIRGINIA.)  Would  you  mind  fastening  this  in  for  me  ? 

VIRGINIA  (a  littk  embarrassed).    I  don't  think  I  have  a  pin. 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (pleasantly,  but  very  firmly).  She  hasn't  a  pin, 
Mr.  Jarvis.  (He  draw  VIRGINIA  to  him,  and  then  crosses  to  fire- 
place.) 

JARVIS  (meets  ERNEST  as  he  enters).    Good  night. 

ERNEST.    Going  ? 

JARVIS.    Yes. 

ERNEST.    When  shall  we  see  you  again  ? 

JARVIS   (looking  significantly  at  switches — bus.).    1  wonder  i 

(JARVIS  exits  R.      ERNEST  sits  R.      RUDDOCK  follows  JAHVIS  off.) 
VIRGINIA.    What's  it  all  mean,  Grumpy  1 
(The  old  man  turns  slowly  and  regards  VIRGINIA  severely.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    I'm  very  angry  with  you.    (At  fire-place.) 

VIRGINIA  (a  little  anxious).    Grumpy. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    I'm  very  angry  with  you  indeed. 

VIRGINIA.    Grumpy  t 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  A  very  little  more,  Miss  Virginia,  and  off  you 
go  to  bed. 

VIRGINIA.  Oh,  Grumpy !  My  Philippine.  You  can  give  it  me 
now — he's  gone.  What  is  it  ? 

MR.  BULLIVANT  (as  he  hands  her  the  little  packet).  It's  a  diamond, 
my  dear. 

VIRGINIA.    A  diamond  1    Oh,  but  I  can't  take — (the  truth  begin*  to 


M  GRUMPY.  [ACT  IV. 

dawn  on  her) — and  Mr.  Jarvis  had  it — it's — it's  Ernest's  diamond 

(Going  to  ERNEST  wlio  takes  it;  she  turns  and  goes  back  to  MR.  BULLI- 
VANT.) 

ERNEST    (excitedly).    The    diamond  1 1    (To    MR.    BULLIVANT.) 
You've  found  it ! 

i    MR.  BULLIVANT.    Yes.    And  the  next  time  perhaps  you'll  put  it 
in  the  safe.     (Sitting  chair  L.) 

VIRGINIA.    Mr.  Jarvis  had  it — and  it's  all  been  through  my 
silly 

ERNEST.    Jarvis !    Jarvis !    (To  MR.  BULLIVANT.)    And  you've 

let  him  go ! 

(The  door  is  heard  to  bang). 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    That's  the  front  door 

VIRGINIA.    He's  gone 

ERNEST.    Gone  I 

(ERNEST  and  VIRGINIA  ruth  up  to  window  and  look  off.) 

Yes — there  he  is. 

VIRGINIA.  There's  some  one  with  him. 
MR.  BULLIVANT.  Met  a  friend  perhaps. 
ERNEST.  A  man's  got  hold  of  his  arm- 


MR.  BULLIVANT.  Ah — old  friend  perhaps — does  he  look  as  if  he 
came  from  Manchester  ? 

VIRGINIA.  There's  another  man  at  the  door  of  the  cab.  They've 
all  driven  off — what  does  it  mean  ?  (Down  to  MR.  BULLIVANT  on 
his  B.) 

(ERNEST  on  his  L.) 

MR.  BULLTVANT  (his  eyes  closed).  Poor  devil,  poor  devil  I  Come 
here,  my  dean.  (Takes  both  their  hands.)  Bless  you,  my  dears,  bless 
you.  (Sleeps  and  wheezes.) 

VIRGINIA  (in  a  whisper — winding  up  watch).    Tired  out  1    Kittens ! 

ERNEST.    But  the  diamond  ? 

VIRGINIA.     Hush — I'll  tell  you  later.     (Going  to  c.) 

ERNEST  (following  and  detaining  her).  To-morrow  morning  you 
order  your  toga — next  week  you  try  'em  on — week  after  the  alter- 
ations are  made,  and  the  week  after — you're  married. 

VIRGINIA,    Who  to  ? 

(He  stoops  and  kisses  her.) 
(RUDDOCK  enters  a.) 

Here's  Ruddock  to  take  Grumpy  to  bed.     (She  goes  softly  down  to 
RUDDOCK,   below  settee.)    He's  tired   out — you'd   better  get  tim 


ACT  IV.  1  GRUMPY.  t7 

straight  off  to  bed,  Ruddock,  and  when  he's  in  his  room,  Mr.  Ernest 
and  I  will  run  in  and  say  good  night. 

RUDDOCK.    Yes,  Miss.     (Crossing  to  L.,  putting  chair  in  place.) 
VIRGINIA  (whispering  to  RUDDOCK).    He's  very  kittenish,  Rud- 
dock. 
RUDDOCK.    He's  very  tired,  Miss. 

(ERNEST  and  VIRGINIA  go  off.  RUDDOCK  crosses  and  moves  chair 
below  table,  then  goes  to  MR.  BULLIVANT  and  knocks  him  twice  on 
shoulder,  and  then  gives  him  a  smart  tap  on  the  hand.  MR. 
BULLIVANT  wakes  up  with  a  start.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  What  the  devil  are  yon  slapping  me  for  ? 
(Rubs  hand.) 

RUDDOCK.    Bedtime,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVAKT.  Well,  that's  no  reason  why  you  should  slap  me. 
What  time  is  it  ? 

RUDDOCK.    Past  twelve,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    I  ought  not  to  be  up  so  late,  Ruddock. 

RUDDOCK.    No,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.    Everybody  gone  to  bed  I 

RUDDOCK.    No,  Mr.  Ernest  and  Miss  Virginia  are  still  up,  sir. 

(A  pleasant  smile  comet  over  the  old  man's  face.) 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  There's  something  I  wanted  to  tell  you,  Rud- 
dock. Something  important,  something  very 

RUDDOCK.    Yes,  sir — in  the  morning,  sir. 

MR.  BULLIVANT.  No,  not  in  the  morning — now.  I  want  to  tell 
you  now.  Help  me  on  to  my  feet.  Straighten  me  out.  Shove  me 
in  the  back  I 

(RUDDOCK  does  to  and  pats  him  as  in  ACT  I.) 

Don't  pat  me.  What  the  devil  are  you  patting  me  for  ?  Oh,  what 
was  it  I  wanted  to  tell  you  ?  Something  very  important,  something 
very 

RUDDOCK.    In  the  morning,  air. 

MB.  BULLIVANT.  If  you  dare  say  that  again  I'll — oh,  I  know, 
Ruddock — Ernest — Ernest  and  Miss  Virginia 

(RuDDOOK  smiks.) 

Ah — you've  noticed  it ! 

RUDDOCK.    Yes,  sir.  , 

MB.  BULLIVANT.    Dear  old  Ruddock — we've  always  wanted  it, 

Ruddock,  haven't  we  ? 

&UDDOCK.     Yes,  sir.     (Goes  and  opens  door  L.  and  returns.) 
rfa.  BuLLrvAJTT  (confidentially,  afl*r  looking  round}.    God  blew 


ft  GRUMPY.  [Aor  IV. 

the  dear  young  things.  I'm  so  glad  they've  made  up  their  minds. 
(Then,  as  they  are  c/oing  through  the  door.)  Oh  dear,  oh  dear,  I  don't 
i:now  how  I'm  going  to  get  up  the  stairs.  Oh,  about  that  chimney 
of  mine — did  you  tell  the  birds  ?  (At  they  pass  through  ike 
toor.) 

(The  CURTAIN  faUt.) 
flu  ACT  plays  24  mtnufet, 


CRUMPY 

Acts  L  2  and  4. 


Tor&en 


frvric* 


Befljsav 


EXPLANATION. 


1.  Table. 

2.  Small  chair. 

8.  Small  round  table  for  iyphona. 
4.  Settee. 

6.  Bookcase. 
8.  Table. 

7.  Camelia  plant  in  pot  on  stand. 

8.  Bookcase. 
«.  Safe. 


10.  Small  table  for  reading-lamp. 

11.  Arm-chair. 

12.  Coal-box. 

13.  Stand  for  music  and  paper*. 

14.  1 

16.    [Small  chain. 

16.  J 

17.  Fender,  fire-irons  and  dog*. 


PROPERTIES. 
ACTS  I  AND  IL 


Curtains  to  draw  at  French  windows. 
Blind  to  draw  at  French  windows. 
Whisky  syphon  and  glasses  on  No.  3 

table. 

Bell  under  stage. 
Bell  oft  L. 

Candlestick,  matches,  cap,  oft  i* 
Dressing-gown  off  L.,  and  slippers. 
Small  bag  off  B. 
Bradshaw,     pencil     and     magnifying 

glass,  on  table  0. 
Diamond,  tobacco,  pipe,  matches,  for 

ERNEST. 

Camelia  for  JARVIS. 
Flowers  on  table  o. 


Mirror  on  mantelpiece. 

Camelia  in  cigarette-box  for  RUDDOCK. 

Faded  cameUa  for  JARVIS. 

Balver  with   coffee,  baked  apple,  and 

cup  and  saucer  and  plate — 2  spoon* 

off  B. 

Coat  and  hat,  off  L.,  for  GRUMPY. 
Motor-horn  ready  ofl  B. 
Cushion  on  settee  a. 
4  camelias  on  tree  (for  Act  II.). 
Shawl  on  table  up  B.C.  (for  Act  II). 
Curtains  back  and  windows  open  (for 

Act  II). 

Poker  and  tongs  off  dogs  (for  Act  II). 
Dogs  knocked  over  (for  Act  II). 


LIGHTING. 


This    scene  should    not    be    very  light. 
Ughta  to  work  with  switch  below  door. 


Bed   in    footlights    with    white*. 


GRUMPY 

Act  3 


1    Settee. 
S    Small  tabl*. 
8   Arm-chair. 
4    Table. 
8    Cabinet. 

6.  Screen. 

7.  Table. 

8.  Chair. 

i.  BookcaM. 


EXPLANATION. 

10.    Writing-table  and  bookcase. 

Small  chairs. 


10. 
ll.\ 

12  I 

13  f 

' 


16.  Palm  on  stand. 

14.  Brass  fender  and  fire-irons. 

17.  Standard  Lamp. 


PROPERTIES. 
ACT  in. 


Tantalus. 
Syphon  of  soda 


Diamond  for  JARVIS. 

2  cigarettes  for  JARVIS. 

Written  letter  and  camelia  for  KEBLB. 

Flowers  in  tissue  paper  on  table  B.C. 

Dotty  Telegraph  on  table  &.O. 


Rose-bowl  and  jug  of  water  on  desk  up 
o. 

Ash-tray  and  matches  on  mantelpiem. 
Ash-tray  on  table  L. 
Handkerchief  for  KEBLB, 
Door  bell  ready. 
Cushion  on  settee  B. 


LIGHTING. 

Lights  full  up  throughout. 


ACT  If. 

Wfckky  •yphon,  glasses  OB  tray,  off  a. 
Faded  camelia  for  VIBGIXIA,  in  bag. 
Bella  aa  in  Act  I. 

Bowl  to  break,  with  white  flowers,  on 
Paper  on  floor  down  L.,  Daily  Telegraph 
Pencil  and  magnifying  glass  on  table  fife 
Slippers  off  L. 
Door  slam  off  & 


HOTEL  UNIVERSE 

Play  without  intermission  by  Philip  Barry.  Produced 
originally  by  the  Theatre  Guild  at  the  Martin  Beck  The- 
atre, New  York.  5  males,  4  females,  i  exterior  scene.  Mod- 
ern costumes. 

One  of  the  most  striking  and  original  plays  ever  written  by  an 
American,  and  on  the  occasion  of  its  production  in  New  York  it 
aroused  heated  controversy.  It  is  the  most  ambitious  and  brilliant  play 
Mr.  Barry  has  ever  attempted,  and  is  concerned  with  the  baffling 
problems  which  every  adult  human  being  is  at  some  time  forced  to 
face.  The  characters  seem  hardly  to  exist  at  all  in  relation  to  other 
people,  which  is  surely  the  reason  why  Mr.  Barry  discovered  (some- 
what as  Chekov  discovered)  that  to  invent  a  plot  for  them  would  be 
to  deprive  them  of  the  kind  of  reality  he  was  after.  These  people  are 
essentially  introspective,  centripetal,  literally  self-seeking.  And  what 
are  they  after?  Just  an  answer  to  the  question  that  every  thinking 
human  being  must  ask  himself — and  vainly:  What  is  life?  What  is 
death?  Where  are  we  going,  and  why?  What  is  the  meaning  of  past, 
present  and  future?  Published  only  in  bound  form. 

"A  glittering  play  of  unreality  and  magic  to  quicken  the  pulses  and 
stir  the  minds  .  .  ."  Richard  Lockridge,  N.  Y.  Sun. 

(Royalty  on  application.)  PRICE  $2,00  per  copy  (in  cloth). 


THE  FARMER'S  WIFE 

Comedy  in  3  acts.  By  Eden  Phillpotts.  Produced  origi- 
nally by  Charles  Coburn  in  New  York  City.  9  males,  13 
females.  2  interiors.  Modern  costumes. 

This  delightful  comedy  of  English  people  was  one  of  the  long  run 
successes  in  London  before  coming  to  New  York.  The  story  is  concerned 
with  Samuel  Sweetland,  a  Devonshire  farmer  and  a  widower,  who  de- 
cides to  marry  again.  Aided  and  abetted  by  his  housekeeper,  Araminta, 
he  makes  out  a  list  of  the  various  eligible  women  in  the  county  and  pro- 
poses to  them  in  turn.  But  they  all  refuse  him,  and  in  the  end  he  finds 
at  home,  in  Araminta,  the  one  woman. 

(Royalty  on  application.)  PRICE  75  CENTS. 


REBOUND 

Comedy  in  3  acts.  By  Donald  Ogden  Stewart.  Produced 
originally  by  Arthur  Hopkins  at  the  Plymouth  Theatre, 
New  York.  7  males,  5  females.  Modern  costumes. 

Sara  Jaffrey  is  twenty-eight,  pretty,  charming  but  unmarried — when 
we  first  meet  her  in  the  home  of  her  sister,  Mrs.  Crawford.  Bill  Trues- 
dale  is  much  in  love  with  Evie  Lawrence,  but  she  throws  him  over  for 
the  rich  Lyman  Patterson.  Sara  and  Bill  immediately  become  engaged 
and  are  married  shortly  after. 

We  next  find  them  on  their  honeymoon  in  Paris,  where  Bill  is  be- 
ginning to  show  early  symptoms  of  being  a  neglectful  husband — even 
failing  to  show  up  to  meet  Sara's  father.  It  appears  that  Evie  and 
Lyman  have  turned  up  in  Paris  on  their  wedding  tour  and  Bill  has 
been  spending  the  truant  time  with  his  old  love.  This  devotion  to  Evie 
grows  into  alarming  proportions  despite  Sara's  pleading  with  Bill  until 
she  realizes  love  is  not  a  thing  to  be  begged  for  but  a  thing  to  com- 
mand. She  switches  her  methods  and  Bill  rebounds  back  to  her  arms 
with  every  indication  of  being  a  devoted  husband. 

"The  best  light  comedy  written  by  anybody  hereabouts  in  ten  or 
twenty  years."  Heywood  Broun,  N.  Y.  Telegram. 

(Royalty,  fifty  dollars.)  PRICE  75  CENTS. 


THE  ROYAL  FAMILY 

Comedy  in  3  acts.  By  George  S.  Kaufman  and  Edna 
Ferber.  Produced  originally  by  Jed  Harris  at  the  Selwyn 
Theatre,  New  York,  n  males,  6  females,  i  interior. 
Modern  costumes. 

A  tremendously  interesting  and  fascinating  story  of  a  great  family 
of  the  American  stage.  The  Cavendishes,  with  which  "The  Royal 
Family"  concerns  itself,  comprises  three  generations.  First,  there  is 
Fanny  Cavendish,  wife  of  the  deceased  Aubrey  Cavendish,  "the  first 
actor  of  his  day,"  who  at  seventy  is  planning  her  tour  for  the  coming 
season.  There  is  her  brother,  Herbert  Dean,  a  pompous  player  now  in 
his  decline;  Julie,  her  daughter,  is  at  the  crest  of  her  career  as  a 
Broadway  star,  Tony,  her  son,  having  forsaken  the  stage  for  Holly- 
wood, rushes  home  only  to  flee  to  Europe  to  escape  the  attention  of  a 
Polish  picture  actress.  Soon  he  is  back  again  in  New  York  seeking 
refuge  from  a  lovesick  Balkan  princess.  A  granddaughter,  Gwen,  just 
building  into  important  ingenue  roles,  jolts  the  family  by  marrying  a 
non -professional  and  forsaking  the  stage,  but  only  temporarily. 
Through  it  all,  Fanny  Cavendish  rules  the  household  with  her  courage 
and  a  sharp  tongue.  Though  her  children  are  idols  to  the  public,  they 
are  defenseless  under  the  withering  fire  of  the  old  lady's  sarcasm. 

(Royalty  on  application.)  PRICE  75  CENTS. 


BERKELEY  SQUARE 

Play  in  3  acts.  By  John  L.  Balderston.  Produced  origi- 
nally by  Gilbert  Miller  and  Leslie  Howard  at  the  Lyceum 
Theatre,  New  York.  7  males,  8  females,  i  interior.  Modern 
and  Eighteenth  century  costumes.  Plays  a  full  evening. 

Peter  Standish,  a  young  American  architect,  has  inherited,  so  it 
seems,  an  old  English  house  in  which  one  of  his  ancestors  had  played 
an  important  role.  Taking  up  his  residence  there,  he  discovers  that  he 
can  walk  back  and  forth  through  time,  that  he  can  step  into  the  shoes 
of  his  ancestor  and  live  the  life  that  man  lived  in  the  Eighteenth  cen- 
tury. He  accepts  the  challenge  of  the  adventure  and  finds  himself  en- 
tering the  old  drawing-room  dressed  in  the  costume  of  the  time  but 
still  essentially  himself,  and  he  plays  the  game  as  well  as  he  can.  Much 
charms,  but  much  also  shocks  him.  His  knowledge  of  the  future  some- 
times trips  him  up,  but  the  platitudes  of  the  Nineteenth  and  the 
Twentieth  centuries  are  brilliant  epigrams  to  those  about  him.  But 
despite  his  success  he  is  not  really  at  home. 

"Berkeley  Square"  is  the  finest  play  of  the  season — a  play  that  casts 
a  spell."  J.  Brooks  Atkinson,  New  York  Times. 

"Unusual  in  flavor  and  right  in  entertainment — deserves  the  atten- 
tion of  every  playgoer  who  wants  to  buy  an  evening  of  complete  be- 
guilement."  John  Anderson,  N.  Y.  Evening  Journal. 

(Royalty  will  be  quoted  on  application  for  cities  and  towns  where 
it  may  be  presented  by  amateurs.)  PRICE  75  CENTS. 

HOLIDAY 

Comedy  in  3  acts.  By  Philip  Barry.  Produced  originally 
by  Arthur  Hopkins  at  the  Plymouth  Theatre,  New  York. 
7  males,  5  females.  2  interiors.  Modern  costumes.  Plays  a 
full  evening. 

Holiday,  with  Hope  Williams,  was  one  of  the  outstanding  successes 
of  the  New  York  theatre,  and  later  done  in  motion  pictures  with 
Ann  Harding.  It  is  the  story  of  a  young  man  who  is  engaged  to  a 
girl  of  great  wealth  and  social  standing.  But  he  refuses  to  "make  good" 
with  her  father,  preferring  to  enjoy  life  as  a  holiday  and  an  independ- 
ent venture  in  happiness.  Because  of  this  the  two  separate,  but  at  the 
end  the  girl's  sister  realizing  that  the  young  man  is  right  and  her  fam- 
ily wrong,  confesses  that  she  is  in  love  with  him  and  agrees  to  go  away 
and  marry  him.  A  delightful  and  brilliant  comedy. 

"One  could  ask  for  nothing  better  (except  that  it  is  dangerous  to 
laugh  so  hard)  than  a  stageful  of  Philip  Barry  characters  indulging  in 
his  special  brand  of  happy-go-lucky  nonsense." 

Robert  Littell,  N.  Y.  Post, 

"It  is  continuously  gay  and  amusing,  blissfully  mad,  and  stunningly 
sane,  all  at  the  same  time.  .  .  ."  John  Anderson,  N.  Y.  Journal. 

(Royalty,  fifty  dollars.)  PRICE  $2.00  per  copy   (in  cloth). 


University 
Souther 


